Raheem's Rants and Raves

Sadness Reincarnated

2008-02-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

I lie here at 4 in the morning, eyes heavy and yawns forcing their way through more frequently than...well something that happens quite frequently.

So then why am I awake?

First off, know this. I try. I honestly do. I try to make the madness stop. And I thought I was moving in the right direction. I was concentrating on the things that were happening in my life in a more positive manner, I was establishing myself all across the town, I was recreating and living the life I should have lived upon first coming back to this fair city.

But still, I find myself recently brought back down to the depths I was at months ago...when I lost someone.

I'm sure you're sitting here thinking to yourself "Ah crap...here we go again..."

But the fact is i'm sad all over again and frankly it scares me. No not in that "I can't control it so i'm going to go do something drastic and stupid" scary. More of an "I don't know what else to do and i'm just so desperate to find some kind of consolation in the aftermath".

And I do partially understand why I'm feeling so low at this particular time of the year. You see, not that I was keeping track or anything but our one year anniversary would have happened a little less than a week ago. Now I know it sounds nutty that I still think about dates and stuff like that, but the only reason i know is because of how we met and the two people we....

Wait, I don't have to explain myself.

The fact is, everyday I find myself reminiscing about what I was doing this time last year; The cold walk through Nuit Blanche, taking care of her on Valentine's day (don't even get me started on how sad i'm gonna be on THAT day), hell even digging her car out of the snow, these are all memories that have really done a number on me (see: fucked me up badly).

And I don't know how to stop. And I don't know why I'm so sad now. Why the hell can't I move on? This is absurd. I still remain so strongly attached to her after so long. I heard news today that she's moved and is apparently happy in her life. How much of that is true, I don't know. Have a feeling she's moved in with that other guy. Poetic Justice just doesn't exist in this world. I'm angered at having so many of my general views on how the world is shattered by a mere 6 month relationship.

It's hurtful and it's frustrating.

I miss her.

And I don't know why because she treated me so badly.

I need to get away from here for a while. I'm tired of still holding onto this emotional burden.

I'm sick of always asking "Why me?"

I miss her.

Not doing the tagging thing this blog Tali, won't really fit in with the general mood of this update.

Anyone who says there's something beautiful in sadness has never had their heart broken.

Twas the night before Christmas...

2007-12-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

And all I want is to not feel loss. I have so many good things going on right now, but I just can't appreciate them. And I think I know why.

All I want is love, a family, a feeling of desire, both being desired and also desiring that one. This is probably why I am still struggling with my loss despite all that has happened since. Because nothing, absolutely nothing can compensate for the emptiness of love...nothing.

Damn it.

-----------------

Aside from that, all is busy. Opportunities left and right however, opportunity has constantly arisen in my life and usually does not pan out. Potential is a nice way to remain somewhat optimistic in life, but when you're consistently unable to capitalize on that, it has an adverse affect - you can no longer feel the optimism that is vital in capitalizing. It's a catch-22, but I think i've gone through all that before....again.

I feel like a broken record. At least I'm consistent with my complaints.

Go See Across the Universe and I'm Not Here.

How I feel....

2007-12-06T21:47:00.001-08:00

Bleh......

Things that make you wonder....

2007-11-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

I was doing my usual reading of the English dictionary and I stumbled upon something that made me really question who runs shit in the English language.

pre·tense /prɪˈtɛns, ˈpritɛns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pri-tens, pree-tens] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. pretending or feigning; make-believe: My sleepiness was all pretense.
2. a false show of something: a pretense of friendship.
3. a piece of make-believe.
4. the act of pretending or alleging falsely.
5. a false allegation or justification: He excused himself from the lunch on a pretense of urgent business.
6. insincere or false profession: His pious words were mere pretense.
7. the putting forth of an unwarranted claim.

----

Now if the pretense means something false, why do use the term 'false pretense'? Would that not just be something true? All this time it's been ok to speak in double negatives? Or is this just a lawyer trick (because the phrase is fairly commong lawery-speak) so confuse matters.

So from now on, if someone uses the phrase, they better mean it the way it should be used. Kinda like people who use the word 'literally' in an un-literal way. But that's another story...

Bleh...

2007-11-22T19:03:00.001-08:00

Just when you think you're moving forward, your mind refuses to let go of the things that are needed to be let go of. The moment I let myself believe I have made strides, something clicks in my mind that pulls me back underwater and I once again feel myself scratching and clawing my way to the surface of a new chapter in my life, struggling to breathe in new life. Much of it has to do with the weather as today was the first true winter's day, complete with heavy snow flurries and frigid temperatures. With that, my time in Montreal has come full circle. I came here in the middle of winter, and here we are again, thus signifying a completion of my time. My fondest memories of my job and especially my ex were in winter - a time when things were at their greatest and when I felt alive and renewed in spirit, especially after the fiasco of Edmonton. This time around, I feel...different. Again, I should be anxious about things, but.....this feels like a void that simply can't be filled. How do you replace something that is one of a kind? Sure, loves come and go, but each person is unique and special in their own way.

Anyways, it was just a downer, feel hopeless kind of day. They'll happen every now and then.

These lyrics really struck me. It's a song I heard once months ago, and it always stuck with me before during and also after the break-up.

National Product - Collision

Don't call me back, you said
I won't answer from that number anymore
Or at least until my will runs out
Then we're back in the same place
Racing down the same road once again
This wasn't supposed to happen

This curse is getting worse
You climb so high
It's such a long way to fall
Fine mess you can't assess
You just wanted for things to be simple that's all

I understand but I'm not fine
You've recruited the next in your line
But I leave the door wide open as you get inside

This road has caught fire
Miles of red pass under the tires
We paint the junked parts
Invisible blood stains from transparent hearts
Buckle your seat belt and shut those eyes
We race for collision blinded to bright yellow signs

Ask why we call it goodbye
It's a sick addiction to beating walls
Obsess, ignore the lesson
I wanted to cut all my losses that's all

We sing this lullaby
To sing with open lies
A tribute to mending once severed ties
The melody of years
Is music to my tears
Sweet dissonant harmony fills our ears
And we sing along to wasted songs

Lessons learned...

2007-11-18T20:36:00.001-08:00

Why do I continue to drunkenly vomit in sinks as opposed to toilets?

I swear I won't do it again.

So I went to a...

2007-11-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

So last night I go to check out DJ Vadim and Abstract Rude at this club and sure enough, true to any hip-hop show and the stupid stereotypes of unprovoked violence, a fight breaks out. Seeing as I was helping work the door, and seeing as there was the absolute minimum amount of security (read: none),I was left to break the thing up. Now let me tell you, this wasn't just a fight of two or three guys pushing or shoving, this was an all out, punches flailing, bloody, 'smash-through-the-doors' dance. It's unbelievable how strong a couple of guys could be when the adrenelin is surging through them in the heat of the moment. One guy was in a headlock and it took four of us to coerce the other guy to release him. Anyways, once the punks were all removed, the show went on without a hitch, but still the conversation didn't sway too far from the "opening act" if you will.

Sure enough, I get home around 3 and look down at my new jeans and see blood splattered all over them. My new jeans! Blood! It could have been beer or some other kind of beverage, but blood? Someone else's blood? Some random drunk douchebag's blood? Maybe the clashing of colors of the blue and the red will start a new fad? God I hope not. That'll mean I have to get involved in more fights.

I've been trying to make amends for my scarf faux-pas on Friday, but I still can't shake the image of that sad, lonely accessory lying there on the ground. I am still haunted in the wee hours of the evening of the visual of the scarf subtly falling from that guy's shoulders onto the ground nor can I block out the sounds of the scarf calling out to me, crying, in a child's voice, begging me to reunite it with its owner. And then I start to question how come I'm hearing this voice (oh yeah, i'm certifiably crazy). But I've been doing my best to be a good samartian because yes I do believe in Karma. I do believe everything evens out. My ex will get hers and I will get mine (only one will be a positive while the other....well good luck to her). Anyways, I hope the scarf forgives me and that all the people i've tried to help over the last 48 hours appreciate the help.

Does anyone else believe in Karma?

I'm terrible...

2007-11-09T16:23:00.001-08:00

I must say i'm disappointed in myself.

So there I was, end of the day and I'm running to catch my metro. The person in front of me frantically trying to catch the same train inadvertantly drops their scarf just prior to boarding. So there I was in a dilemna. I could pick up the scarf and give it to the person (who decided to risk grabbing a train further down the line) or I could just get on and be a dick. Well I went with option B. It's not like I could convince myself or anyone else that I didn't notice it because, well it was right there in front of me! It would have been impossible to miss. Stevie Wonder himself would have noticed it.

What makes matters worse, I have been there before. Just this past winter I lost a good scarf in what must have been the same scenario (I got out of the station and realized my scarf was nowhere to be found...I was crushed). So how could Iet this situation elevate to where it did seeing that I know the emotional loss that goes along with losing an item of clothing like that. What was my rush? I couldn't have waited for the next train?

Actually, when I boarded, the doors did not close for a good 30 seconds. So I had ample time to pick up the scarf and give it to the person who dropped it, who I saw sitting in the next cart, completely oblivious to this loss. But no...I stood...contemplating what I should do. All the while I am staring at this accessory just moaping there, waiting to be returned to its rightful owner.

And then the doors closed....

I'm such a jerk. I had a chance to do something good, and I didn't and for no good reason.

But it gets sadder.

As the train starts to move, a guy who was running to catch our train, picked up the scarf and mistakenly gave it to the person who he felt dropped it. I did not see the aftermath, but it didn't matter. This person went out of their way to return a proper to someone who they did not even know was its rightful owner. I could have given it to the person who I KNOW lost it, and I didn't.

I hope Karma's not a bitch.

Happy Halloween

2007-11-02T04:54:00.000-07:00

Trick or Treat....I've been trying to trick myself for far too long. Eventually I'm gonna have to start treating myself. Be forwarned readers who tell me to stop being so whiny and moapy in my blog, DO NOT READ.

I'm workin on it. I really am. I don't want people to get the impression that I'm just some sad case who is somewhat pathelogical. While that may be true, perhaps the most frustrating aspect of this whole thing is that I really am trying to move on. In reality, what I have accomplished since the ending has been, not so much astonishing, but commendable in that I have at least tried to preoccupy myself almost to an extreme. I've done everything by the book. I've surrounded myself with friends, tried to right the wrongs I feel are plaguing me and my mood, I've just been trying to be a more productive and thus visible figure in society. These are all things that should have at least left a dent in that void left by her.

The problem is the word "should".....

Dr David Burns recognizes the words "should" and "supposed" in his book "Feeling Good" and explains that we live off of these internal expectations that everything that we feel or attempt both inside ourselves and out need to follow a specific path in order to achieve results. I should have gotten better by now, but I haven't, at least not in my mind. I should have more pride in the things I've done, but I don't, regardless of what I have done not just after the break-up, but even before. The point is, I have a problem with doing things, anything, whether business-related, social, emotional....I place a high level of expectation upon these things I do, and when what I had hoped to accomplish does not come, my frustration, my anger, my sadness, all the negative emotions that led me to do these things in the first place increase tenfold.

And that is the place I'm in now.

I'm not in a better position now than I was 2 months ago. Sure there is a still an immense amount of potential and possibilities on the table, and perhaps for a brief moment or two post break-up, this potential was enough to at least help me forget the reality of the situation. However, I am an impatient person. And eventually potential could become a negative connotation if the impending positive results never do come. In other words, a person can only get so excited about years and years of potential opportunities that don't ever blossom before the notion of a good thing coming fails to ignite even the slightest flicker of hope. You work hard at achieving things and, like the relationship, sometimes working your tail off to make things work don't lead to the results you want.

The problem with that is that when the transition from positive potential to cautious cynicism happens, one becomes reminded of the traumatic experience that led to the life-changing potential in the first place (if that is indeed why someone does make a drastic change in their lives - a fairly common occurence). Personally, I'm trying to make so many different things work, and because I have always had this "things will fail eventually" mentality, it is difficult for me to stay positive. I've been doing that for years, I did that with my ex, I know it's something that I need to change. Some of the things I'm working on requires a very slow process while others I was led to believe will pay dividends immediately ( although perhaps their idea of immediately differs from mine). Bottom line is, as I've said, I'm eager to move on and try to right all these little wrongs that have mademe the frustrated 30 year old that I am, but I'm having a difficult time holding onto hope. Persistence has never been one of my strongest attributes. And of course, with the frustration building, my ability to try and be as positive as I can about the break-up and the aftermath is simply not there.

Lately, I've been having a real difficult time dealing with it. Why? I have no idea. Again, I cannot express this enough. I would do anything now to be able to remove her from my memory bank and go back to the mentality I had before I met her, when I first arrived back in Montreal. I had no concern of creating a social life or finding someone. I was dedicated and focused towards finding myself career-wise and finding out who I was. My priorities changes dramatically when my heart decided it didn't want to be ignored, and now it's making it's presence known by constantly reminding me, "hey...never ignore me again. I'm not going to ever let you forget that I am still the most important thing that you have to keep satisfied." But the bottom line is now my senses have teamed up with the heart, sending instant messages and reminders of sights and sounds and even smells. I'm being sabotaged by my own bodily functions. Now, ambition is secondary to emotional affirmation. This was the very last thing I needed to happen to me. But much of it was my fault so I have to accept some responsibility. There were so many signs throughout that warned me of the dangers. And while I didn't necessarily ignore them, I certainly did not properly forsee emotionally what was going to happen. Now i'm paying the price.

So what's the next step? No idea...I really am just going to try and maintain the path I'm on and hope for the best. With the holidays right around the corner, I'm sure if I can't find a way to move past my difficulties, it's going to be a particularly difficult December. I just am sick of feeling so lonely and empty and bleh. Instead of typing it out i'll just say see blogs Sept and Oct all over again.

What's a lovesick fool to do? Minutes don't go by where conflicting emotions play tug-of-war in my head.I'm angry, i'm sad, i'm scared. The one emotion I know I should be feeling is the one that I'm not - and that's relief. I knew for the first three months that I shouldn't have been in it, yet I stuck around and for what? Convenience? preoccupation? A false illusion that being in a relationship wouldn't eventually lead me to a deeper love for the person? I was foolish to think I wouldn't fall into that trap just like i'm foolish to think that I'll never fall into that trap again. It'll happen, i'm sure, but I believe in the notion that things happen when you least expect them. Well I'm always on the lookout to perhaps prove to myself that it can and will happen again. And if that's the case then things are never going to happen. So I can't necessarily believe in that cliche anymore. The only good thing about that notion is that a person who is down on themselves can fall back on the idea that they don't necessarily have to go out and make things happen. In fact, quite the opposite. The less you try not to make things happen, the greater a chance of it happening. That's simply not true though, at least not in real life. A person always has to make things happen. Life is hard work. You get out of it what you put into it.

Besides, is finding something intimate really what I want right now? It may seem that way on the surface, but deep down, as much as I hate being lonely and missing the person I love, wouldn't it be more beneficial to concentrate more on me and being the best me I can be? Probably. I just anxiously anticipate the day that I don't have these sad thoughts prevailing and that I can see my ex and realize that I am glad we aren't together (and believe it too). But I won't be able to do that so long as my mind and my heart won't let the image and sadness disappear. Someone just make it stop. I would rather be enjoying this very important time in my life rather than being miserable about something that's been finished for almost a quarter of a year, or roughly the amount of time I spent in Edmonton (wow, it's been that long? I am fucked up if i'm still THAT hung up on her).

Sorry for the long drawn-out post of ultimately a whole lot of babble and nonsense, but it's just sometimes I need to write and write and write without really paying attention to what is being said. I don't even have a desire to go back and reread because I already know, for me, everything makes perfect sense. Those of you who find it erratic and incoherent, consider yourselves lucky.

Writing this in German

2007-10-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

My whole computer is coming up in German because of the damned internet, so right now i'm posting an Erstellen (I think). Well,I've been here a couple of days now, and i'm doing everything I can to be positive and upbeat. But, and this is aggrevating, it seems the harder i try to look at things in an enthusiastic manner, the harder my mind, and my thoughts and my imagination does what it can to give me reminders of why I shouldn't be enthusiastic. It's frustrating, it's like I just wont allow myself to be happy about anything. It's stressful enough being here and trying to set myself up, but for some reason i've been extremely depressed about the ex amongst other things ever since I left. It's just not fair. I try so so hard to move on, but I'm not letting myself. I'm fucking myself up and I don't know how to stop it. 2 months...2 MONTHS it's been and i haven't gotten any better towards how i'm dealing with it internally. My head, won't let me forget it even for a second making it constantly fresh in my mind. Even in Berlin, everything reminds me of her, whether it's doing what i'm doing (she would nevr approve) to it being close to where she was born to even staying in a hotel( I went with her on ONE trip). This trip is important to me and i have to be in a good frame of mind, so what happens? I get hit with the thing that saddens me the most. I should be happy happy happy, but instead i'm sad sad sad and it's not fair that i'm sabotaging this glorious trip and glorious opportunity by being distracting by something i should be glad to be done with. Fuck her but mostly fuck me for being what I am.

Anyways, Berlin is an interesting place with a drastic contrast between the old and the new. The old beautiful archetecture and the new eye-opening structures, the lights, the glitz everything. Germany is Germany. Anything foreign, especially outside of North America just seems not so much desolate but very outdated. I don't know why, it's a beautiful city, but I just have that mentality.

Things are going well as far I can tell. Maybe I would feel more confident about things if I could shake this constant negativity. I feel like i'm losing the battle no matter how hard I fight. It's like trying to tear down a brick wall with my fists. I pound and pound away, but I do no damage.

I am still in love with her.

What is wrong with me?

Germans and Mormons and....

2007-10-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why, but every time i am on the verge of going on a trip, I get extremely saddened about that whole issue (yes....that issue - still). Maybe it's the geographical gap or maybe it's because going away was something we spent a lot of time talking about. I' m pathetic. Here I am on the verge of a new adventure in Berlin, I mean this is freakin' Europe! Yet, once again the excitement and anticipation isn't there. Instead it's a sadness. That same goddam sadness that's plagued me for not just the last couple of months, but for years and years (although I do admit that this particular time period is specifically hurtful and difficult to deal with). The funny part is, I don't think it's my heart that hurts and causes this infinite melancholy. Don't get me wrong, there is still that painful void that will be there for quite some time, but it is not my heart that is sabotaging my drive and positiveness. This is now something going on in my head. This is me being unable to disassociate this girl from anything in my life, whether aesthetically or whatever. This is a serious issue that isn'T just something that goes away with time. In fact, the opposite is coming true. I've been sabotaged by my own cynical imagination.

Anyways, boo hoo Raheem.....I'll check in post-Berlin

Playlist for the sorrow

2007-10-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

If there is anything good about being among the ranks of the broken hearted it's that we usually have a sensitive ear to very poetic, meaningful music. So here's some songs that have been making the rounds on my ipod recently:

Birthday Boy - Ween (although I prefer the Mary Lou Lord version if you can find it)
Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
It Makes No Difference - The Band
Heart of the Matter - Don Henley
lifeline - Ben Harper
Driving Wheel - Tom Rush (although try and find the new Chris and Rich Robinson version)
She Talks to Angels - Black Crowes
Lie To Me - Bon Jovi (shaddup you)
Must Have Been the Roses - Grateful Dead (find a version with Donna though)
Life's a long song - Jethro Tull
Doin Something Wrong - Magnolia Electric Co.
Starlight - Muse
Rhinocerous - Smashing Pumpkins
Stuck in the moment - U2 (as previously mentioned)
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Have a Little Faith in Me - John Hiatt

Now keep in mind, this isn't a list of good whiny songs to help remind me of my history. In fact, most of these songs are actually good kicks in the ass about moving on. But they're also good sorrowful tunes for that not so top-of-the-world mood. If people still actually listened to and particularly burned CD's, this would be a good collection to cry yourself to sleep to (not that I do that cuz it's gay, right?). Note the exclusion of the particularly gothic, paint your nails black, deathly tunes like The Smiths or the Cure or even Nine Inch Nails. Those are all good groups for when you're feeling up and want a little shot of reality. But when you're down and you put on some Joy Division or Morrisey, you just wanna scream out "Jeez....just shaddup already you crybabies!".

Dawning of a new era....

2007-10-06T22:54:00.000-07:00

Not quite sure why the title. Just felt like starting off with a bit of optimism. This is the first Saturday night, and actually only the second night I've stayed in for the evening in almost 2 months! Weird feeling, but last night's evening of drunken debauchery ended in the wee hours of this morning. Truth be told, I would have gone out tonight had there been something to do, but I know I would be going out for the wrong reasons. Why do I need to go out? I've realized I have been trying to convince myself that the lifestyle I had with the ex was one that I need to maintain long after the halting of the relationship. I do like going out, but how social I've been is little more than a fascade. Who am I trying to impress? Am I hoping to run into her one time with my group of friends so she can see what she gave up? Am I trying to convince myself that I do not need her to be social and popular? If either of these is the case then I've done a fairly pisspoor job of achieving either of these. Truth be told, I feel lost outside of hte relationship because my whole social life was invested in her. I wanted it because it was a great opportunity to develop a new life for myself out here outside of the old friends and people I used to be acquainted with. It wasn't just her, I realized it was everything my life became because of her being in it. New friends, new places, new social class so to speak. Everything wasn't stale the way it normally is when I come back to Montreal - grasping at the friends I had once who have moved on to their own lives and social circles. I want that new circle, not trying to rehash friendships with people I honestly don't necessarily want to rely on for tough times (like this one for example). I'm starting to realize I'm more upset not for losing her (although I am thoroughly heartbroken from that), but because I lost that new circle, even if they were mostly her friends. It was something different, a new, more mature lifestyle, one that I had secretly longed for but always seemed to get sucked back down towards the white trashedness of the people in my past.

I still notice the difference in myself though that were caused, either directly by the relationship and social style, or indirectly in that I had always wanted it and this was an influential factor. I notice myself dressing better, not being the goof I used to be every time I came back to Montreal for a visit. I see myself desiring things that I never would have envisioned. For example, property, or fancy furniture and retro art paintings and such on my walls. I've already mentally decorated how my place will look, now I just need to find both a place and the financial resources that will give me the opportunity.

But still, is this all me? How do I know who I am now? Do I want to continue trying to be someone I have no experience being because that is who I am, or am I just trying to hold onto whatever it is that I once had with her and by emulating, so to speak, the mentality and appearance of that lifestyle I once shared with, I am refusing to let go. Is it possible to be both, some of who I was and who I wish to be? They are completely contrasting personalities, like I'm bipolar or something.

Regardless, I just wish I knew more about me. I've been in every situation within the last year and a half. I've been in San Francisco in all its superficial yet aesthetically overwhelming glory and at the same time I've done the sublime and desolate Edmonton thing. It's a tug of war between what appeals to me more and what is more attainable thus less frustrating at not being there. I want the power, the autonomy, the image, the social acceptance, but at the same, i want that core group of people in my life that accept me and appreciate me for me, for being the real me. People who just don't give a shit about where I work or what clothes I wear. People who respect my individuality, not my desire to stand in with the flock of sheep who all try to attain the same thing therefore have no indivuality at all (as if they are afraid of standing out). Unfortunately my ex was indeed that - scared of standing out, of being associated with anything that doesn'T exactly fit in with the image of her social and professional standings. Am I trying to make it so that superficiality will never be an issue again? Only time will tell. It's like I'm suffering through a thirdwaythrough-life crisis. I still catch myself blinding thinking and hoping to run into her in an ideal setting for myself (dressed to the nines, surrounded by good people in a good setting etc), but I tell myself, what will that prove? If I know how bad a person she is and how poorly she treated me, why do I still need to prove anything to her? Sure there's always going to be that desire to make her feel guilty and full of regret over what she gave up, but so what? She still gave it up and I would be foolish to extend a hand and offer her an opportunity to make amends should that impossible situation arise. But still, it would be a shallow yet satisfying feeling knowing that she feels that way (which I'm sure she doesn't given how quickly she moves from boyfriend to boyfriend).

But this isn't about her anymore, this is about me and who I am. And I'm trying to find what makes me happy to be me.

Aside from that unexpected rant, things are going smoothly, so to speak. I have a ton of work I should be concentrating on (isn'T that why I overburdened myself, for the distraction? Thanks a lot brain!), but I'm being the same old Procrastinator I've always been. Now though, I'm letting more people down as opposed to just myself. Ok, that's not entirely true. I'm doing my work, but I am annoyed at myself for wasting the last few days, opting to wallow in unjust misery.

I've decided to coin a quote for every blog. Some may not make sense, some may not be catchy or roll of the tongue. But hey, beats complainin'!

"We are all just magicians, but instead of using props and wit to fool, most people use repression and denial"

Got it? Quote it on your facebook page.

2007-09-30T22:23:00.001-07:00

I'm too lazy to correct it, but yeah...i know, arises isn't a word. Arose would be a better choice

Riders in the storm....

2007-09-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

I've gotten into the habit of taking walks at night. Gives me an opportunity to ponder things without the distractions. There's this great spot not too far from home which sits in a very secluded spot up at hill at a fairly large park. It's one of those 'you don't realize the view until you climb the slight hill' kind of places which overlooks a vast area of Montreal. It's like getting the best of every world - you have your connection with nature, alone-time and an opportunity to see what this wonderful city has to offer. It's something for romance, self-reflection and to be miserable. The ups and downs of emotions can all be elaborated at this very spot.

Do they help? I don't know, but it's cheaper than going out and drowning my sorrows on a nightly basis.

Tonight I was able to sit at my usual bench late in the evening and do my usual wallowing in self-misery, but today i didn't feel so miserable. I mean I tried to, i did, and the emptiness is still there, and will probably be there for quite some time. But there has been a transition from a sharp, direct pain to a dulled, numbing one. Is that a good thing? Does that mean i've moved on? I don't know.

I've read so many websites that offer advice and such on dealing with what i'm dealing with (apparently, I'm normal as compared to others) and basically, what i should be looking forward to is the day I stop hoping to run into her. I know that sounds stupid and one of those 'no-shit' pieces of reason, however it makes a lot of sense. I see myself doing what I read; looking for her car, checking emails, those kinds of things. I want them to stop. I've moved on to angry and would be very inclined to making her feel terrible as opposed to trying any kind of reconciliation. As I told a friend, if the opportunity arised, I would very politely tell her that she does not deserve to have me in any capacity in her life.

Anyways, this wasn't a blog about her. This was just a written affinity about my newfound passion for taking walks at night. Would I prefer to do them with that special someone? Obviously....but sometimes it would still be nice to be alone and out and about. There are no expectations, no one can find me, it's a chance to disappear without really disappearing. Whatever emotions become prevalent and choose to be expressed can easily be expressed without me caring. And it beats hiding inside these 4 walls.

I had more to say, but it's just a bunch of jumbled words in my head. I wish I were more profound tonight as a lot of what I'm thinking would be pulitzer prize worthy.

Damn....this isnt want I wanted to do.

2007-09-25T19:19:00.001-07:00

Well...I knew once I got started on this blog again, it would become my inanimate, non-alcoholic security blanket that I don't know will help speed up or slow down the process of moving on. I stayed away from writing her for a while because I knew what it would become. This placebo-therapeutic effects of writing to no one in particular, I dont know if I'm doing myself any favors or if I should be concentrating harder on ignoring everything. But it's like the old story, the moment you know you're not supposed to think about something, you can't get it out of your head. This is the case with me. I try and try and try and try to put my mind at ease, and tell myself that everything will be for the better. The problem is, I'm trying to convince my head of something it already knows. It's not the head that needs convincing - its the heart. And as all of those who have gone through break-ups and heart-ache know, you cant convince the heart because the heart doesnt listen to anything that makes sense. The heart is a separate entity - one that does whatever it can to avoid listening to the cold hard facts. The heart doesnt care how the rest of you is treated or what is right. The heart only cares about two things - the heart and the moment. The heart doesnt think about reprecussions or consequences. The heart only deals in the present and what it wants. It's stubborn and strong-willed. It is forgiving and patient (at least it is for me - i cant say the same for the ex). So trying to convince my heart what the rest of me, I think knows, is virtually impossible. The only way to convince your heart is to make it forget the past. Once the heart stops living in the past and concentrates on the future, I will be once again up to my old trick and being depressed for depression's sake.

So ladies and gentlemen....for now this will be known as RaheEMO's Rants and Raves staring Raheemo and the cast of thousands (the pieces of my shattered heart - I know, talk about a drama king).

So I try to keep myself as busy as I can with school, preparations for other work along with the job I have now. But still....my mind is one-track. I've spent so much of my life thinking of miserable things and now that, at least in my mind, this is the most miserable thing i've had to go through (I'm sure I've said before, so don't say it), it's like easy fuel for my constant miserable mental imagery. I mean I really don't want to go through the explicit details of everything, but for those who know the story understand that everything I had to go through was unusually cruel and not the standard break up based on the prelude and the aftermath. I'm not going to say she's a bad person, but she does leave a lot to be desired. There are some selfish, spoiled, needy anctics about her - characteristics that she not only adamently denied having but indeed loathed in those she surrounds herself with. I've seen her discard friends because of such issues and at the same time i've heard her discard any desire of being with the person she is now with because he too possessed many of these qualities. However, as i've come to realize, she perhaps exhibits these qualities the best - extremely needy in every sense of the word and unable to deal with adversity when it comes to emotions. While there is nothing wrong with being this insecure, the unfortunate downfall of this is that she shows little regard for the people she meets along the way, tossing them aside when she feels they no longer serve a real purpose in her life. That was what she did to me months ago when she met this other guy whom basically courted her in every sense of the word, and she allowed it, embracing this attention like a plant embraces the afternoon sun. Yet, as much as I tried to explain this and the resulting uncomfortableness that dwelled deep in the belly of my soul, she chose to dismiss this notion, instead tossing anything i said out the window. At first I was naive enough to believe her sincerity and convictions towards these qualities, however, as I learn later, it was merely a shield - an ability to be in complete denial of what kind of a person she was. Instead of listening, she chose to convince herself of only what she wanted to believe - which, clearly, was not the truth. And that is perhaps a real thorn, because it was so clear, so easy to be able to see how things were progressing in their relationship and regressing in ours, at least in my eyes. She, being the person she is, chose to ignore reality, instead concentrating on only what makes her happy, regardless of who's expense. She was able to do what she wanted because of her uncanny skill of repressing everything, while I was forced to watch everything in slow motion. And there was nothing that could have been done primarily because she refused to listen to reasoning.

And while this seems like i'm being unfair to her, all that I say is 100% accurate to how things went. She got scared, found an escape exit and took it, leaving me behind in the burning building. And now i'm constantly suffocating and the smoke is currently preventing me from seeing beyond what is right in front of me. And unfortunately what is right in front of me, what is right in front of my heart is the memories of her and I. And until the smoke clears up, that's all I can see.

And I want to call her and tell her all this, and make her feel guilty, and make her realize what kind of a person she is, but it would be pointless and frankly i'd be too scared. I'd be scared of hearing her voice and falling back down the cliff that I've at least been able to climb even if just a little bit, and scared of her being happy. Maybe later when I can forgive her what she put me through, I will be able to wish her all the best, but for now, my heart feels she deserves to feel bad, to not be happy because of who she is. Unfortunately though, it is because of who she is and how easily she can detach from any emotional attachment that tells me that she's already moved on. The price of being in love with someone who clearly wasn't in love with you, despite her claiming otherwise.

What does any of us really know about love?

Lovers in a dangerous time....

2007-09-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

Hello from a stranger in a strange place. I know it’s been a hair short of eons since I’ve posted here, and I know I made solemn vows to be a more consistent poster, but what can I say? Bottom line is I’m back. Why am I back? Two simple reasons; One, a good friend of mine is always asking when I’m going to update so I figure I owe it to her. The second reason is the same reason why everyone writes blogs and something I’ve mentioned before in this very blog – out of sheer sadness and hopelessness.

Yes, since the last blog, I don’t know when that was, but things have been a ball of empty promises and broken hearts. Since I’m not looking at the blog now, I can safetly assume that the last things I wrote are about how everything was slowly starting to fall into place and that all of the bad things I’ve gone through over the last little while was just a challenge, a period of constant adversity, a long dark tunnel in which the light at the end was more than just a means of escape but a moment of heavenly clarity that would have made me realize that good things do indeed come to those who wait. Well, at the time, it made sense, but in hindsight, I realized that this teaser of goodness was not the light at the end, but the ultimate challenge – the true test of how much I am willing to survive in order to maintain this karma-esque belief about good things and how every human does indeed have their day. I sit here now questioning my beliefs as well as myself and my ability to be all the things I want to be. Should I be doing this? Perhaps but perhaps not. It’s not healthy for me to be doubting myself over things that were beyond my control (for the most part), however, sometimes it takes these deep moments of reflection and hurt to make you understand who you really are and what it is that makes me happy or unhappy to be me.

The ultimate question I need to ask is, who exactly am I? Clearly this is not a question I can answer in the emotional state that I’m in. Right now, I’m more disappointed in myself for not being someone else for other people. I know that this is a terrible way to view who I am and how comfortable I am in my skin, however there is some truth that my own ways should not be concrete. I believe in working together with a person, with compromises and sacrifices and hard work and digging deep down into one’s own soul in order to find out just how special that person is and how committed they are towards spending their lives with that person. I am a traditionalist in the belief that any two people can work so long as the passion is there and they are willing to look deep into the other’s eyes to see how important they are to them. I believe in unconditional love and the very notion that love does not grow or die with disagreements or different beliefs. Love is something that is there and exists regardless of external factors. Love is not something that dies because the head disagrees. Love is unexplainable and thus cannot be rationalized with lists filled with pros and cons. Love is not always going to be something that makes you feel secure 100% of the time or makes you feel like you’re the center of the earth, however love, real love, genuine love, is something that can exist which makes two people want to be better people because there is that something there, that unspoken bond in which you are both genuinely happy to be with the other.

Clearly by my rambling, as you can all figure out by now, my relationship came to abrupt halt not too long ago. Basically the relationship was over a month ago, but looking back now at how things turned out, one could easily make a case that this relationship was doomed months ago. Without getting too deep into details (because most of you have heard enough), the bottom line is that, at least in my opinion, she fell early, and got scared because I didn’t move as fast as she. Instead of confronting me in regards to everything, she ultimately pushed away,becoming close to another guy despite my constant pleas of uncomfortableness. She allowed herself an opporunity to remove herself emotionally in our relationship by both using him as a new focal point, and concentrating on the few things I didn’t do for her as opposed to the many many more things I did to. I would be a fool if I sat here and said I didn’t play at least a minor role in what happened, however, seeing as how things turned out, there was nothing I would have been able to do to prevent the reality of things. Despite what she said, I would never have been good enough for her nor would she accept who I am. It’s sad, and in a way, I feel bad for her constantly searching for this love equivilant to the mythical fountain of youth, however, the way she trampled my sense of secureness, confidence, pride in what I’ve accomplished so far out here and most importantly my heart, I can never ever forgive her despite the weak notion that if she came back to me begging for another opportunity, I don’t know if I would be able to decline. It is a tragic and unfortunate tale that no one should ever have to go through yet feels almost necessary for self-discovery. My only real anger stems from how I seem to be the one most hurt despite the one who did the most to make things work. It’s a cruel yet simple twist of fate in which three people were involved and the one who showed the least got the most while the one who put everything on the line walks away as the broken-hearted victim. I hate to believe in the cliché nice guys finish last, but in this case, I truly believe that it exists. Far too many doses of reality came from this relationship that crushed so many of the preconceived yet probably naïve (see: romantic) perceptions of the world. As I said about unconditional love, every good time, every bad time, fights and frustrations and anger and silent awkardness, they all meant as much to me as did the good times (and believe me those existed too!). Not a moment goes by where I do not feel like part of me died because of this. Everything I see, every song I hear, everything is a reminder of this love because she was, for a while, a huge, perhaps the only thing in my life. And I can sit and look at say a shirt where she complimented or, a hairpin on the floor or a pair of shoes that i went walking in with her. I see her everywhere. People say to concentrate on the bad times and things she did to me, well, unfortunately, even those things and times still fill me with utter sadness because they still remind me of how much I love her.

This did a lot to me, not just from a love standpoint, but in every sense of what I accomplished. Like I said, I shouldn’t ever question what I have accomplished, especially feeling as fragile and insecure as I do now, however, so many of the factors that contributed to the end were always things I questioned myself. Lately I’ve been thinking about how I wasted so much of my 20s putzing around doing God knows what. I knew then it would come back to haunt me, and I suppose now is that time. I mean it’s good to be going through this as at some point as sooner or later I was really going to have to evaluate who I am and where I want to go in life. And to be honest, the relationship gave me a glimpse into the lifestyle that I never considered to be one I wanted. It was like a sneak preview into how I want to be, and now that I’ve had my taste I am eager to do what I have to in order to once again rejoin the rank of the obnoxious and snobish. Problem is, it’s a long long process and the way she made me feel at the end, it’s as if I’m much further than I thought.

In summary, it’s the age-old dilemna in which someone could be madly in love with someone yet still be unhappy in the relationship. It’s one of those cruel jokes that exists that hardens a person’s soul. Her past, and her previous relationships have clearly hardened her soul and removed her want to make something work regardless of how much or how little we had in common. It’s sad, I’m sad. It’s one of those situations where I will be able to look back in sometime down the road and realize it made me a better person for how I was able to overcome such pain along with what I managed to learn about myself. But for now, let’s just say it’s not something that fills me with much happiness and pride. Too many hurtful things, too much selfishness on her part for me to look back on this and simply say “oh well.” I have no qualms admitting I am hurting and feel empty and void of optimism. This will pass and when it does I will come out a stronger person in my ongoing quest for the upswing of karma.

But this is also a clear example that life is not fair. People get away with the cruelest things, not just her, but a third part of the equation whom, in my mind, isn't even worthy of a name in my blog, let's just call him Fuckhead. If I were to believe that people get what they have coming to them, then I would love front row seats to his demise. But sadly, it probably wont happen and everyone walks away and lives happily ever after. I'm just hoping that I do too....eventually.

Am I fuelled now by anger? revenge? spite? embarrassment? Perhaps all of the above and some. However, if this motivation sticks and I do tough out these bad times and walk away a more prosperous person, then at least I can say it was worth it. But for now, my heart will hurt and my head will play funny tricks on me. It's undeserved self-punishment that just adds insult to injury.

Aside from all that. Life is busy. Starting a second job with Corey, going to Berlin in October, started at Concordia last week in journalism and PR. I don't know if any of this will lead to anything, but at least i'm trying to be productive as opposed to destructive.

Everyone would be much better off in this world if the notion of emotions did not exist. I'm jealous of robots.

Morals,morality, Pat Morita....

2007-05-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Hello out there in cyberland, I am Raheem, some of you know me as Bif, others as Jesus. But please, I'm just plain Yogurt.

Spent the weekend travelling from Montreal to Toronto to Buffalo and back again all in a 2 day span. Finally had a chance to see Corey's Condo (tres impressive) and my fat stupid cat who remains exactly as I remember him - fat and stupid (and a cat, but I guess that's obvious enough).

Anyways, down in Buffalo, I was met with a moral dilemna in which I was able to test just how committed I am to a relationship I don't feel like I should be in. Thankfully I did not have to make the decision...the beard did that for me. I guess some people like the lumberjack look, others don't. I have another chance at the end of August as I head down to hang out with my boy Bret Michaels down at Darien Lake.

It was an interesting Saturday night as we drove down in the late afternoon, arrived at the house at around 8 for a house party. First off, these people are old acquaintances whom, with the exception of one, I had not seen since the Bangles were popular. Let me tell you something about Buffalonians...they can drink. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't intimidated and could have, if I wanted, held my own. Anyways, after an evening of drinking, well into the early hours of the morning, we decided to find a hotel or a motel, anywhere to sleep so we could all go shopping in the morning. Sure enough, for some reason, bumfuck Buffalo is the hottest place to hang-out on Memorial Day weekend. I dunno, is Buffalo the BBQ hotspot for summer holidays? Eventually, after driving around, we ended up crossing the border back to Hamilton where we got in around 4 or so. Needless to say we never went back to buffalo the next day.

This story seemed more interesting in my head.

I'm sick and tired of talking with rappers and not understanding what the hell they're saying. Does that make me racist? I mean I know I am, but that's not the tell-tale sign, is it? Anyways, I'm excited about my interview with Les Claypool on Tuesday. What the hell do I say to the greatest bassist and the nouveau-jam pioneer?

There are the albums I've heard over the last week or so that should be checked out; Return of the Magnificent - DJ Jazzy Jeff, United Abomination - Megadeth, Fire up the blades - 3 inches of Blood (June 5), Dream Theatre (I forget the name - June 5), For whom the beat tolls - Canibus (June 5)

I've now becomg the new unofficial model for Adidas. I've somehow decided on buying Adidas shoes three weeks in a row now topped by Sunday's 200 dollar bonanza at an Adidas outlet store in Toronto. I'm bringing back the 70's Tennis Pro look if it's the last thing I do. Bjorn ain't got nuthin on me.

Anyways, there's a link for a guy I want to pass along. Most know where I work and if not, it's not important. However over the summer there is this guy, Chad Nance, who is touring the US, going from jam festival to jam festival writing about it, describing it, living it....Anyways, he is writing a blog on the entire experience and if you want my opinion, he's such a kick ass writer, it's not even funny. I'm hoping to meet up with him in Minnesota in July, so we'll see what happens. The link to his myspace page is

http://www.myspace.com/weirdloadjambandsnamerica

.

Um....i'm gonna go eat ice cream.

Not only is there a man in the cabinet....

2007-05-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

Have I talked about my love of R. Kelly's Trapped in a Closet epic? This is perhaps the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. R. Kelly is a genius. For those who haven't had the pleasure, check out you tube and watch the 12 different chapted of this fascinating story. Apparently the next 12 chapters come out some time in the summer. I'm excited. Also if you want to go even further, try and rent it just for Kelly's commentary. I honestly couldn't make up some of the shit he says! Just remember...Bridget is allergic to Cherry.

Busy busy what with the girlfriend freaking out about her bar exam and my plethora of work interviews. Check out the upcoming SKUNK for chats with NY legend Necro and Poison's Bret Michaels. Coming soon, interviews with DJ Jazzy Jeff (Who's new album is phenomenal!), Canibus, Fiction Plane (Sting's son) etc.

Hockey season is tragically over, at least it is for me as the sharks are ousted prematurely for the third straight season. It's tough to swallow but i'm becoming desensitized to playoff disappointments.

Got some stuff stolen in Vancouver...bummer. Hope they like my Europe pictures.

Word

Oops....

2007-04-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

Whoops, I've forgotten to blog. I think i'm starting to think of blogging as stupid. It's supposed to have some kind of therapeutic value, and I will 100% agree with that sentiment. But I also understand why it's not coincidence to blog more when you are down and less when things are looking up. Maybe that's just the way we are - miserable at heart. I mean we (and I mean we as in the collective group of like-minded bloggers) have no problems writing about the bad things that happen not just in our own lives, but just in the world in general (why is their war and poverty? why do we feel the way we do?). However, when things are moving in a generally positive direction, it becomes more and more difficult to sit down and rant, hell not even rant, but just maintain an everyday or everyotherday journal of our lives. That's not to say my life is swimmingly marvelous. I've come to expect that I will never fully be 100% content no matter how things are going, nor will I ever fully experience the positive emotions of the good things because of something inside of me that must have short-circuited thus preventing me from fully appreciating the good things in life. On a more shallow level, my relationship isn't ideal, I don't make much money and my living conditions aren't envious. All in all, not too much has changed between Edmonton and here. If anything, I've come to terms with mediocracy and I don't let myself become frustrated with dillusional visions of grandeur.

But this isn't about me, it's more a subjective view as to why we blog. And going back to my sentiment that "blogging is stupid", I think i'm caving into the stigma of bloggers as whiny emo kids on the verge of committing some attrocity at some random educational environment (I'm not naming names). I may have been like that before but now, not so much.I do all my ranting and bitching to my girlfriend (which is counterproductive in so many ways, one of them being she is the reason of so much of my banter and, well, I guess you can figure out what comes next). Plain and simple, I have nothing to say. I could blab on about my thoughts on the NHL playoffs or the "better late than never" appearance of summer (snowstorm to 23 degrees in less than a week, talk about extremes), but this is all trivial and forced. All this crap is more something to keep the kiddies happy as opposed to anythign else.

But then again, what is the point of a blog in the first place? Am I just stereotyping a blog as a channel to moan and complain? IS that all it can be? Certainly not if you've been reading since the beginning. Most (rather all) of my early blogs were nonsensical ramblings about arbitrary bullshit. Very rarely did I delve deep into my life. Then, as my life got more miserable, it turned from various comical musings to "my life sucks balls,boo hoo...". It continued that way and now as I read back on many of the entries, I wonder where I lost track of my original theme - stupidity!

I have business cards now. If someone would have told me my first business cards would have been from a cannabis magazine, I probably would have agreed.

The gardening season is upon us. That's going to be my new therapeutic way of release. That and building business card castles. I'm trying new things in gardening this year, new for me anyways. Instead of buying beginner plants, i'm actually going to try some veggies straight from seeds. I'll keep an update on how that turns out. Right now (as of April 21), i've sowed cucumber and green onion seeds. Germination should begin, so i've been told, in about a week. Keep your fingers crossed. This could be the closest I come to having a real family.

Hmmm...did I do anything interesting over the last month? Not really, saw some people from highschool and elementary school, watched some hockey. Really, I didn't do anything exciting. Probably the gardening thing.

Did I forget to mention that Bret Michaels is my new best friend?

Stuck in the Moment

2007-03-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

It's unusual for me to take any kind of significant value out of a U2 song, but somehow this particular song got "leaked" onto my i-pod and something in the lyrics struck a chord. I don't know if it was the particular ambiance of the moment, walking through the cloud-saturated haze of a winter-humid early evening, walking in the moment I guess, or perhaps the moment of serenity currently comforting me. Either way, I thought about the notion of being stuck in a moment and not being to get out of it, and I honestly feel that out of all of my problems, all of the problems in the past, this notion, this "being stuck" is perhaps the one "character flaw" that really prevented me from excelling and maximizing my potential. I don't know how this is going to sound on paper as opposed to the fluttering thought traffic-jam constantly littering my mind, but this is something that has plagued me for as long as I know. I really do dwell on the things people do, or say to me, and I do not let these moments go quietly into the night. I let them seep into me, like poison into my veins. No matter how trivial or minute, these normally insignificant moments remain permanently etched into my mind and continually build up the emotions that I attach to these moments (rage, sadness,regret). This has been a problem of mine for years. Maybe I always tried to be ignorant and push out the stand-out moments in the past, but i guess the truth is that I let them band together. Picture a rubber band ball, and each of these "small" moments is just another band to add to the ball. I can never get out of these moments, i can never escape them. They just linger around, making odd appearances at times when I am fortunate enough to have my mind clear (kind of like commercials during the show). Anyways, how it hinders me is that any time moments in the present come up which pose some kind of a conundrum, an "issue", then I go through my lil rolodex of past moments and decide which best relates to my current problem. However, instead of using this past moment to help assist in the solving of said problem, I tend to go back to dwelling on the past problem, while adding the new problem to the ever-expanding rolodex.

Anyways, U2, good band I guess.

You know who isn't a good band? Megadeth. When did metal God Dave Mustaine become such a egomaniacal born-again prick? I mean yeah, he is in metal, and that's basically what the metal mind represents, but his egomaniacal bs is much more evident now than ever before. You would never see Juri Lane or Tico Torres pull out that much attitude (and lord knows they can!), so what gives Dave a right? No story, just wanted to point it out.

You know who are cool? young guys wearing elderly people clothing in the middle of say a Florida summer carrying shotguns.

This blog seemed so much more meaningful in my head. I'm going to start a videoblog. Fucking hell.

Facebook....

2007-03-14T18:31:00.001-07:00

is kinda dumb. Still not dumb enough for me to become an active participant in.

Reversal of Fortune

2007-03-09T18:03:00.000-08:00

It's amazing the difference between the way 2006 ended and the way 2007 has begun. Today as I was walking home from my now paying job as an editor (and some), it really began to sink in how much I have been given since I returned back to Montreal. Last few months of last year were a complete write off for me. I was down and out, feeling completely hopeless and useless. Now, everything has changed. Good fortune has hit me at times where only the lucky get lucky. Vegas introduces me to Rob and Len (who, as I know is reading this, cannot fully fathom the appreciation I have for him ¨for helping me out and still continues to do so - I owe that SOB a beer or 10), who help me get me foot in the door in my industry, go to a party even though I was 99% sure I wasnt going to go only to meet the girl I am currently with....it's amazing how things changed. And now today, I am given a cheque as a token of appreciation for the work that I have done (with other bi-monthly cheques to follow AKA a paycheque). Who would have thunk it?

The way I now look at it, last year, most of it not just the last trimester, was a test - a challenge to test my patience and ability to overcome adversity. And I almost failed. I was close to pushing my King over and saying "I surrender". In fact, many times I did say those words, but I just wasnt ready to push the piece over. And now...now I'm a working man in the field I want to be in, spending some nights with newfound friends and most other nights with my girlfriend (who for some strange reason loves my beard...can it get any better than that?).

Anyways, I just felt compelled to express this moment of epiphany.

Hopefully this sense of satisfaction won't dull too quickly.

I've been Tagged

2007-03-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

What the fuck does that even mean?

Oh...I gotta list a bunch of weird facts about me and apparently I gotta send this on to a bunch of other people. But I don't know any other bloggers (All my friends are either not-computer saavy but mostly, just aren't literate in any sense of the word) so I'm just gonna expose myself and leave it at that. Sheesh, I feel like an only child refusing to carry on the family's genes due to my unwillingness to breed....breed what a terrible word.

1) I never forgave my mother for throwing out my collection of Transformers. Deny it all you want, even I'm not that irresponsible to lose an entire fleet of decepticons and autobots. Sure maybe they could have had their final battle, turning my closet into a model cybertron, but I stopped believing that when I turned 24. I know it was you mom...and I have been emotionally scarred.

2) Growing up, I really wanted to be an NHL Enforcer. Some people dream of scoring the big goal in game 7 of the stanley cup, or leading the league in points. Not me. I wanted to set a league record for penalty minutes in a season. I wanted to be a Hanson brother, but in the NHL. I wanted to lead the league in PIM AND suspensions in the same season.

3) When I'm in the shower...my singing choices tend to fall into the 80's easy listening variety. I'm talking Chicago, Paul McCartney (Circa. No more lonely nights), Solid as a rock etc...I'm talking about those songs on Kasey Kasem's American Top 40 that peaked at like number 9.

4) I'm convinced i'm mentally unstable...but no one believes me. I also believe in unicorns.

5) I know all the words to the entire Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock's It Takes 2 album...not just the song but the entire album!!

6) I've had my name written in the credits of various porn magazines as 'editor'

7) Fuck....7 is hard, let alone 10.

8) I'm not very good with commitment. Wait, that's not much of a weird fact. Fuck off, i'm trying.

9)I prefer it to be too hot outside than too cold. But both kinda suck.

10) I still watching wrestling

Yeah, i know, some of them were pretty lame, but what can I tell you...I suck balls.

B.E.T.

2007-03-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

So I decide to take a night off from doing anything because the storm that blew through Montreal (and the rest of the East Coast so I heard) was pure havoc. I already spent the day drudging through what seemed like 4 feet of snow to work and back again leaving me a lethargic procrastinator opting to wuss out on the world by staying in the warmth shelter of home. Needless to say, the girlfriend wasn't too happy about that, but to be honest, she never seems to be happy about anything when i'm not there. I guess my stunning good looks exceed any of the issues she may have with me (and there are plenty of those, believe me). But that is neither here nor there. In other words, our tumultuous relationship shoud at least have its own isolated post.

Anyways, I drift off early on the couch, like I normally do, but this time instead of waking up and staggering off to a real bed, I decide to untangle the webs in my head by watching a little TV. Apparently the last thing I was watching must have been some ghetto movie (The wood? Bout it Bout it? Fat Burger? Who Da Man? There's simply too much variety in the genre) because the channel the tv happened to be showcasing BET (or Black Entertainment Television for you cracka-ass honkies). Instead of turning it away (mostly because the remote fell on the floor and I was in no state of consciousness to fully understand the concept of reaching down and picking it up), I decided to watch all the wonderful art in all it's glory. Fortunately for me, I was able to wake in the nick of time for BET Afterdark (no, its not porn nor is it anything similar to the Peach Pit after dark). I got to witness about a dozen or so, really bad...and i can't stress this enough... unbelievably repetitive R&B videos - all with the same "synopsis" if you will. The video would always star some dude walking down the street, or a curb or whatever, trying to keep up with some girl, while he's singing to her. I swear to God, every video followed the exact same format. He would follow, sing all around her, do a few skips and some brief dance movies, while she walks away "pretending to ignore him" (or playing hard to get, who the fuck knows?) all the while smiling and giggling at the guy's relentless attempts. Sometimes the girl would throw in a line here or there or if she was really lucky she got to sing the chorus in some capacity (but only the real lucky ones). A couple of the videos, I was fortunate to witness, contained "spontaneous" break-outs of group dances, as if the guy would sway the girl into walking in the direction of his posse which happens to be strategically placed in a certain area of the city, acting incognito until the two were in sight. And then one of the memebers of the posse would give out a hand signal or something preparing everyone for the enevitable dance soon to happen:

"Ok crew....here they come. Remember, we have to make it real tight, otherwise she wont buy it. And if she splits, then chances are we'll get canned. And I can't afford to get fired, what with the new hottub being installed and those seasn tickets to the Clippers almost in my grasp."

Thankfully, none of the dance routines hindered the girl's impression of the guy so I am assuming no one got the boot. Still, I hope they were getting paid overtime, because according to a couple of the videos, the homies and homettes had to be waiting in the "trenches" well into the evening. That's dedication.

Anyways, God bless you BET and more importantly, God bless those unoriginal R&B video producers (maybe there's only one! That would make a whole lotta sense. He would be one RICH producer). Once again BET has climbed up the charts on my list of favorite channels, up from number 6 to number 4

Here are the standings:

1. Toon
2. TSN
3. Comedy
4. BET
5. Oxygen
6. Fox

Stay classy San Diego

Update

2007-02-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

Yeah, look at me. The moment I get busy in my life, I completely abandon you faithful readers who take time out of your busy schedules to read my words and sometimes mock me. Anyways, what's been going on the last few days.

Work is, well work. I'm enjoying it, but still feel there is a bigger answer out there than what I am doing right now. That isn't to say I am not planning on staying here or even pursuing something in Publishing, I'm just saying that I hope to have a more integral role in the shaping of our magazine at some point. I would like to at least put my stamp on the creative direction. Even still, I'm still showing up, even on days like today, where the weather was simply awful. I'm talking -30 degrees, massive amounts of snow on the ground, people not able to come in left and right - just a complete mess all over the city. If there were anywhere else but Montreal, the city would be in complete shut-down mode. But, seeing as this is the great town of Mount Royal, this is just another Thursday.

Aside from that, it was a crazy hectic week. Last Tuesday I had my first date (if you want to call it that) with this girl I met at a party a week prior. I ended up staying the night (nothing naughty, it just got late and we were just having a good time). The following couple of days was a matter of trying to catch up on sleep, seeing as I had a whole night to make up for. And that's especially hard to do when you spend 10 hours a day staring at a computer screen, trying to find out if the words are in the right order or even if they're spelled right.

The weekend came and that was just one activity after another. Friday night, my buddy Paul came in from Ottawa and a bunch of us went off to catch the Arcade Fire down at the Ukrainian Federation. Small show, very cool ambiance. Just knowing that anyday this band is going to absolutely explode sooner rather than later gives you small chills in knowing you just witnessed something that you can tell people years down the road. Later that night, after much celebration, our good friend M proceed to end the evening by vomiting red wine and tequilla profusely on our table. IT was like something out of a movie, where the blatantly fake hose is positioned to give this high-powered guyser effect. But there was no guyser, and the effect was there. Took him home, ran off to the girl's place, and spent most of Saturday with her.

Once I finally got home the next day at 5, I quickly changed and had dinner before my step-father, brother and I ran off to catch yet another Arcade Fire show. This one was vastly superior to the one the night before. Maybe it was the crowd participation. Perhaps it was the intimacy of the show. It could have even been the fact that I was able to bring along a couple of family members who really wanted to go. All In all I think it was just an amalgamation of everything making it one of the better shows I've been to in a while. Anyways, a night of rocking out, chilling with the band afterwards and then some drunken Karaoke sounds like a pretty complete night to me! I honestly think my rendition of I would Die for U would make even Prince envious.

Saturday I got to hang out with my friend Kat in the West Island (or the "Dub') for the afternoon. Got to check out the old neighborhood, and even did some shopping at good ol Fairview. Man has that place changed a lot. I know it's been a decade since I've been there, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, was what I remembered, save for the Fairview Deli (best crushed ice in the biz) and the Laura Secord. But for a while, I was truly flipped out because nothing made sense. OF course, it took me a while to realize that we were walking through a new section of the mall that wasn't there when I was growing up. It was a fun little day but even skipping down ol' nostalgia lane couldn't prevent the exhaustion from the weekend from grabbing onto me. The night ended quietly, even though, for the first time in a while, I could have gone out and partied on a Sunday.

Now, I am in the midth of another week. Valentines day was yesterday and I made the ultimately commitment to my girl - I opted to take care of her (she's a lil under the weather) rather than watch the grand finale of Beauty and the Geek. I know, I know, where the hell are my priorities? No matter because I know it is also on on Sunday night. If it weren't chances are I would have stayed home last night. Classy, ain't I?

Hmm...what else

I eat Asparagus now. Where the hell did that come from?

Every city I have lived in over the past year is getting glorious weather while I am suffering through another ice age. I can't win, can I?

Good luck to Corey and his new move happening as we speak.

Peace

Stupid things that bug me

2007-02-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing is more annoying than wrestlers who overact when getting hurt. I mean seriously, if someone punches me, i'm not gonna fall down and start having uncontrollable seizures.

In Mourning

2007-02-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

Today is a sad day in the history of music. Billy Henderson, lead singer for the great motown band the Spinners' is dead at 67. A lot of you are probably thinking, why does this guy care? It's not like this guy has anything to do with the movie Spaceballs.

Au Contraire is how I will respond.

In fact it was the Spinners' who performed the spaceballs action theme, you know the one where mega-maid goes from suck to blow and everyone is trying to grab the last escape pod ("Come back you fat bearded bitch!") That song, along with the dink dink song are perhaps the two most recognizable songs from the movie, and the song's zaniness (I guess a better word would be ludicrousness) will forever be synonymous with the spaceballs era. You will be missed.

Speaking of Spaceballs, apparently, there was a limited edition version of the soundtrack released on CD this past December in recognition of the movie's 19th (??) anniversary. Only 3,000 copies released, but each copy is jam-packed with spaceball goodness. Here is the track listing:
Track listing

1. Spaceballs - Main Title (02:30)
2. Long Ship / Dark Helmet Entrance / Evil Schwartz / Planet Druidia (02:22)
3. Wedding #1* / Here Comes The Bride / Retreat* (01:40)
4. Hail To The Chief (00:12)
5. Bad Ship #1 / Beam Bad Ship / Luggage Down / Matched Luggage / Bad YearBlimp / Sharking The Ship (02:24)
6. First Desert / Deser Playout** (00:50)
7. Love Theme (01:06)
8. Desert, Thirsty, March, Falls / Bad Ship #2 (01:44)
9. Dink March (Colonel Bogey March) (00:25)
10. Into Cave / The Cave (01:25)
11. The Schwartz / Power Of Schwartz (00:31)
12. She Will Come (01:31)
13. Yogurt's Goodbye / Bad Ship #2 (00:46)
14. Taking Her In / Lonestar & Barf Enter As Guards / Lonestarr-Corridor / After Stunt Doubles (02:54)
15. Bad Ship After Rambo (00:12)
16. Mega Maid (01:34)
17. Tymp Hits / Schwartz Switchoff (00:32)
18. Entering The Ear / Down The Ladder / Hand Print #1 / Hand Print #2 / Lonestarr & Helmet Fight #1 / Lonestarr & Helmet Fight#2 / Lonestarr & Helmet Fight#3 (04:38)
19. Post-Explosion Barf (00:22)
20. Keep It for Yourself / Romance (00:58)
21. 2nd Wedding (00:53)
22. Yogurt's Goodbye / Liquid Schwartz (00:59)
23. Fanfare For Prince Lonestarr* / Kiss / Big Finish* (01:22)
24. Spaceballs - Main Title (w/o Sound Effects) (01:42)
25. SpaceBalls - Vocal by The Spinners (03:42)
tracks 26-42 SPACEBALLS - THE ALTERNATES
26. Spaceballs - Main Title (alternate) (01:51)
27. Druidia Landscape (00:20)
28. Ladder Down / Matched LuggageLuggage (00:50)
29. Love Theme Alt (01:10)
30. Love Theme DB* (02:15)
31. Love Theme DG1* (02:37)
32. Love Theme DG2* (02:25)
33. Love Theme Rev* (02:21)
34. Love Theme Rec Ver (01:14)
35. March / Col Bogey Inst (00:40)
36. Power Of Schwartz / Yogurt's Goodbye (00:58)
37. Mega-Maid 1st Version (01:33)
38. Mega-Maid 2nd Version (01:34)
39. Schwartz Switch Off / Entering the Ear (01:42)
40. Yogurt's Goodbye (00:35)
41. Kiss / Big Finish (01:19)
42. Spaceballs - Main Title (alternate#2) (01:55)
tracks 43-45 SPACEBALLS - ALBUM VERSIONS
43. Love Theme (02:21)
44. Winnebago / Mega-Maid (02:23)
45. Main Title (First Take) (01:44)
* not used in final version of film / ** composed by Kenneth J. Alford

If this doesn't rise your shwartz, then you have no business reading my pathetic blog.

Anyways, my birthday is only 7 months away, think about it....

A Wave of emotions...

2007-01-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

a few das ago, I was jumping for joy because of the release of world renowned rapper Mystikal from prison. He was serving a 6 year sentence for "allegedly" forcing his hairstylist (or "corn-row uh...twister) to perform sexual acts after she (at least I hope it was a she) apparently wrote more than 80,000 bucks (wow, thats a lotta cheddah) worth of bad cheques.

Well now, I find out that my boy Mysti wasnt release, but instead moved. He still must serve the last roughly 4 years left on his term. Im deeply shocked and saddened. I hate the legal system, especially when it bring my homies down.

Speaking of homies, check out this site. Its guaranteed to give a chuckle or two...unless of course you are a racist.

Apparently I am begrudgingly being forced to attend this thing called cook-dating next week. What it is, its some kind of singles event in which you go, pair up with someone, and cook and eat a meal. I personally have no interest in going, but this is a thing created by a co-worker, and they are desperately looking for more guys because now, according to them, the gals out-number the pals 10-1. Shucks, Ill do anything for a pretty face (and a dollar, but thats a whole other can of worms).

Check ya later.

Rumble Predictions

2007-01-30T17:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't do so hot in my wrasslin' picks ending up getting 2 of 4 in the matches and picking the obvious winner of the actual rumble. So I was picking at 60%. Wow, that's about my average from high school. I guess not much has changed.

I've had the same damn lunch in my bag for the last 5 days now because I keep being treated by my co-workers. Wow, in my week of work, i've already been treated nicer than my entire time in Alberta. I guess people do make a city.

Bleh

Slow Weekend

2007-01-28T11:17:00.000-08:00

HAd a nice relaxing weekend of doing virtually next to nothing, or, basically trying to stay warm. Friday night I was looking forward to an early night but ended up going with my buddy Mike to a house party. It was fun and all, but without Kid N Play, it just felt like something was missing. Anyways, chillaxed there until about 3 in the morning, quick bite to eat at Lafleurs ( can you believe that was the first time I've eaten there since coming back? Shocking!). The funny thing was the Mike and I were talking with these two girls at the party for like literally a couple of hours. We all said our good-byes, nothing more to it. Next day, I wake up and find an MSN messenger request for one of them to be added to my list. By the end of the day, I shit you not, I had four different girls added to my MSN list. Granted, two of them were from work, but still, I find that impressive. Maybe I'm just easy to impress.

Anyways, Saturday, didn't go to Snoop Dogg, which I'm kind of regretting now, especially after reading the review. Oh well, i'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities to rub elbows with the rich and famous. I've already had a good run of celebrity shmoozing so far during this calender year, so I can afford to blow an opportunity or two.

Today is more of the same.

Mullet Update: I'm getting very close to being able to tie my hair in a ponytail. Any week now i'm gonna have the mullet I always wanted which would basically mean I could kiss hooking up with another girl anytime soon. I'm having second thoughts about growing it. I mean it would be nice to have short hair again as opposed to the jew-fro i'm sportin now. But alas, I have made the commitment, and it would be foolish of me to back out now, being so close to this rather pathetic goal.

What else what else...

Transformers movie less than 6 months away. I'm practically having to change my underwear every time I think about how kick-ass this flick is gonna be.

Royal Rumble tonight. Should be a snoozer, but i'll give my run down and prediction of everything that will happen:

Hardy Boyz Vs MnM
- I truly believe, with Jeff Hardy ready to move on to other things, that MNM will be victorious. MnM need to continue to solidify themselves as an elite tag team, while Jeff and Matt need to be on their own (translation: They both suck so the combined suckiness of the two is just too much suck for one team).
Winners: MNM (Nitro the pin on Matt)

Lashley Vs Test (ECW Title)
Please, if Test wins, i'll stop watching the one or two ECW programs I accidentally stumble upon a year.
Winner: Lashley

Batista Vs Kennedy (Smackdown Title)
Unfortunately, because Batista was on the shelf for so long, they are going to milk his title reign for as long as they can, at least until he gets injured. So, once again, a better, more charismatic wrestler is forced to job to this old piece of shit.
Winner: Batista (but Kennedy would be a much better champ IMO)

Cena Vs Umaga
Ok, I am honestly picking Umaga for the win and this is my theory. The great Khali will interfere in the match thus helping Umaga win. Then in the Rumble, Cena will be the one responsible for knocking Khali out of the match thus starting a feud of infinite crapiness.
Winner: Uuuuuuumahga

And last but not least, the rumble itself. With lots of good possibilities like Edge, Orton, Taker, Mike the Miz, the field is absolutely wide open. So i'm gonna predict the final 4, and their elimination order. The last four will be RVD, Taker, Orton and Edge.

The first to be eliminated will be RVD, as he is only there as a representative for ECW. Following RVD, I believe Orton will be mistakenly knocked over the top by a spear from Edge (was it by accident? We'll never know). And when Edge is looking over at his partner, Taker will pull the choke slam, last ride, tea-bagging, etc....

Unfortunately Taker is gonna win, and then Batista is gonna come out and there will be a staredown, and then Orton and Edge are gonna come in and attack and the two faces will knock them out, and then they start brawling and blah blah blah....

I'll repost tomorrow to see if I came close on any of these.

bored...

2007-01-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

at work, Friday and there's nothing for me to do now. Apparently I will in the long run be in charge of the music section of SKUNK Magazine, but only time will tell.

Free opportunity to hang out with Snoop and Ice Cube again (Courtesy of SKUNK), but I may just decline and keep it low key this weekend. Surprisingly it wouldn't be my first time chatting with the D oh Double G. Me n Calvin are tight, even from back in our days in the crips.

Other than that, loving the people I work with. Very laid back and relaxed, yet still a shitload of work still manages to get done here. I guess production through intimidation is overrated. Small office, cluttered with magazines everywhere (they also dabble in the adult mag area) but still there is an unbelievably efficient method to their madness. Hey if it's been good for 3 years, then who am I to criticize?

Anyways, I'm about to do a total revamp of www.myspace.com/pennacs which, for now will be the myspace affiliate of the music section for that magazine. So any suggestions of what should be changed would be greatly appreciated (even though, yes, I do have some ideas of my own. I'm not just looking to plagerize).

Lastly...it's fucking cold here. I've had to deal with some cold weather in the last few months, and it doesn't get any easier. How long before summer hits?

If I could be P.C. for a second....

2007-01-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

So I was reading this article on cnnsi.com about the "historic" hiring of Mike Tomlin as the new coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was wondering what was so historic about it and what I found out was that it was because he was the first black coach in the team's thousand or whatever year history. This coupled with so much hooplah about Dungy and Lovie Smith being the first black coaches to square off in the big game got me wondering...why is this still such a big deal? Why is it so historic for a black man to coach a football team? There have been several black coaches in the history of all sports, so why is it still such a big deal when another one gets hired or two square off against each other? Is this just the white man's way of balancing out the karma scales of thousands of years of oppression, slavery and racism, by giving exaggerated accolades to those who break through the still apparent colour barrier? I mean shouldn't we be beyond this idea of a colour barrier by now? If we all didn't stress the existence of this barrier, would there even be one? Besides, by stressing this importance in the world of athletics, aren't we just supporting the stereotype of blacks being good in sports? If and when someone like Obama is elected not as president but even as the Democratic hopeful in the upcoming election, that would be something noteworthy and something to be considered as a positive step towards true equality. But trying to convince me about the importance of blacks in coaching positions in the NFL is not something I would consider as having great significance in history. I don't think that in a thousand years down the road, January 20th or whatever will be considered "Mike Tomlin Day" or the Lombardi trophy will be renamed the "Smith-Dungy Bowl".

Fuck the media is all I have to say.

Our tax dollars at work

2007-01-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Found this random article quite amusing. It goes to show where our priorities are in the world of science.

Charles Q. Choi
Special to LiveScience
LiveScience.com

Sun Jan 21, 7:45 AM ET

The old adage that "no two snowflakes are alike" might not hold true, at least for smaller crystals, new research suggests.

Snowflakes are created when snow crystals stick together. Some contain several hundred crystals. Scientists investigate how snowflakes form because of the possible influence they may have on global climate. In addition, researchers now believe ice crystals in the atmosphere, which typically are snow crystals too small to fall to the ground, play a key role in ozone depletion, possibly by acting as a catalyst to break down ozone.

Ice crystals in the atmosphere are also believed to influence the production of lightning, by helping electric charges build up in clouds.

How many snowflakes?

The number of cubic feet of snow that falls on the planet each year is about 1 followed by 15 zeros, which is a million billion, estimates cloud physicist Jon Nelson at Ritsumeikan University in Kyoto, Japan, who has studied snowflakes for 15 years. Similarly, all this snow weighs about a million billion kilograms.

A typical snow crystal weighs roughly one millionth of a gram. This means a cubic foot of snow can contain roughly one billion crystals. A rough estimate of the number of snow crystals that fall to Earth per year is "about 1 followed by 24 zeros," Nelson told LiveScience. "If another scientist says that I'm off by one or two zeros, then I won't quibble."

Most snowflakes are less than one-half inch across. The smallest may be only about one-tenth of a millimeter across, or four-thousandths of an inch, Nelson explained. Under near-freezing temperatures, light winds and unstable, swirling atmospheric conditions, large and irregular flakes close to two inches long can form, according to the National Snow and Ice Data Center in Boulder, Colo.

5 degrees of separation

A snow crystal begins as a dust grain floating in a cloud. Water vapor in the air condenses on the dust grain and the resulting droplet freezes into a crystal.

A water molecule consists of two hydrogen atoms bonded to an oxygen atom. The angles at which the hydrogen atoms bond to the oxygen atom favor snow crystals to form as hexagonal or six-sided prisms. Ice then grows in branches on each side of the snow crystal.
Snow crystals grow fastest near 5 degrees Fahrenheit.

"So, a temperature rise may cause a growth spurt if the crystal is below 5 degrees F, or it may cause a slowdown in growth if the crystal is above 5 degrees F," Nelson explained. "As to why 5 F is so special, no one knows. However, theory suggests that it has to do with the way the water molecules cluster on the ice surfaces."

Very likely similarities

The exact form each snow crystal takes depends heavily on tiny changes in temperature and humidity it encounters as it falls, resulting in extraordinary diversity.

"It is probably safe to say that the possible number of snow crystal shapes exceeds the estimated number of atoms in the known universe," Nelson said.

Still, while "no two snowflakes are alike" might hold true for larger snowflakes, Nelson figures it might ring false for smaller crystals that sometimes fall before they have a chance to fully develop.

"How likely is it that two snowflakes are alike? Very likely if we define alike to mean that we would have trouble distinguishing them under a microscope and if we include the crystals that hardly develop beyond the prism stage—that is, the smallest snow crystals," Nelson said.
"Good luck finding them though," he added. "Even if there were only a million crystals and you could compare each possible pair once per second—that is, very fast—then to compare them all would take you about a hundred thousand years."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All I can say is wow.

Anyways, last night was a cool night. Got an invite to a secret Acrade Fire show at some run down church in the middle of Montreal. Only about 100-150 people were there and a heck of a lot more who braved the cold weather were left standing empty handed outside. I must admit I wasn't a big fan of theirs but the live stuff really altered my perception. Not to say I'm gonna go out and buy everything Arcade related, but now i'll at least consider checking out their live show next month.

So, i'm now the newest worker for Skunk Magazine. Editing, random fact-checking, some writing, and just basically i'm the office slave. But hey, it's a start.

Beat it.

Guess who's sick again?

2007-01-18T19:33:00.000-08:00

Well, after wandering around sin city for five days with only one night of decent sleep (not having to listen to Mike snore was a bonus), and even after just getting over a bout of pneumonia, my immune system has apparently given up on me and isnow just allowing me to get sick at pretty much any day of the week. Not like I don't deserve it, the combination of booze, gambling and porn stars will make any warm blooded male opt to stay awake as much as humanly possible. This was my last big hurrah before I really gotta hunker down. And sure, like everyone else, you always think about the things you don't do as opposed to the things you do do. So, I will summarize all the fun things that happened during this fiasco.

First night at the Venetian was, and I never thought I would say this, way too over the top for me. The money, the booze and the women were flowing freely, and unfortunately the only one I was able to get my hands on was the booze. After travelling all day, it was best to crash out at an early 4 AM because at 8:30 tomorrow morning, it was time to work.

"Haha, your job sucks, wanna screw?"

Thursday was the first of two hectic days of working. Walking around and asking starlets to begrudgingly give out all of their real info for the purpose of, ah who cares, it was demeaning because I think I was the only person at the convention that these gals weren't nice to. Ok, it was only a couple of them, the rest were pretty cool. It was mildly amusing getting Vince Neil's info because that guy has become old and just plain pathetic. Dude wouldn't even put his date of birth on the paper. Like anyone can't just go and look up to see that you're a couple of years away from seniors discounts. Later that night, Corey got us into the Club Jenna party at the Palms, and the affluentness and sheer superfluousness of the evening was indescribable. Stars dancing with stars, Ron Jeremy shmoozing with Gene Simmons, it was not your everyday kind of party. Once the booze changed from free to 13 bucks a glass, we knew it was time to go. I already took fair advantage of the "open bar" and still had to work the next day.

Friday, more or less the same thing

"Oh my God, there's a quarter on the ground and no one is picking it up!"

The rest of the weekend was a matter of grasping the absurdity of what is Vegas, by Sunday I was sick of the whole affair, of course a lot of that probably has to do with my current situation not exactly being ideal for a trip to such a place, but hey, I go when I'm asked.

All in all, it was a fun little get-away and it was good to see Corey again. Add in little bonuses like the pinball museum, and not getting clocked at the tables like I normally do, and it all adds up to a much better voyage than I first gave it credit for.

Scenes at 6 in the morning en route from Vegas.

2007-01-16T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I take my usual red eye flight back from Vegas and there's this girl who happened to have caught my eye at the Vegas terminal. Me, being in a fairly exhausted state, had nothing to say to her at the time and I kind of let the whole notion slide. There were plenty of good lookin' birds in the airport and instead of making a fool of myself prior boarding, I'll just do the 'dirty old man' thing for now. I figure I'll try and chat her up when arriving in Toronto, giving myself some more time to think of something clever and witty to say in the meantime. Time flies and of course I forget about her for a while as I try and catch a few zzz's. Fortunately she's also catching a connecting flight at Pearson so I don't have to try and catch her running out of the building. Her gate, C25, happens to be right next to mine and her flight, like mine, is delayed by a bit and thus my window of opportunity increases from 15 minutes to an hour. My procrastination sets in and with it comes doubt. However, little things here and there tell me to take advantage of the situation. Little incidents like her always getting up and walking down the row i'm sitting in even though it is always out of her way. I caught her peeking in my direction a few times, so I figured I had nothing to lose. I wait around for a little while and eventually use this gem:

"I've just spent the last 6 hours trying to think of some thought-provoking question to ask just to have a reason to talk to you, and unfortunately the best I could come up with was ' Was this your first time in Vegas?' "

She politely smiles and says "Yes".

That's it. She looks away and around, I get the hint and save her the trouble and save me some face. Was she generally not interested or was she just as shy as me? I'll never know

Oh well. It would never work out between an Ottawan and myself anyways.

More from Vegas to follow

Oh we miss you so Corey

2007-01-09T23:55:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about it and I wonder what happened to the career of the great Corey Hart? Lets flash back to 1983. A youthful and vibrant 21 year old by the name of Corruthers (Corey) Hart was making waves all across this vast land with his melancholyingly exuberent smash hit sunglasses at night off the platinum debut album first offence. It didnt take long before the rest of the world caught up to what Canada already knew - that Corey Hart had superstar written all over him. 1984 brought forth a Grammy nomination for best new vocalist only to lose to another superstar in the making - Cyndi Lauper. But it was 1985 when Corey solidified his status as the premier singer in the world. Boy in the Box was more like a greatest hits album than just a studio album. From the title track all the way down to the sexy ballad everything in my heart, this album was everything it needed to be. But one particular track really garnered worldwide adoration for the Canadian sex symbol - a track that teaches all that they are capable of overcoming adversity even in their darkest hour - Never Surrender.

At the height of his career, Corey had it all. He was offered everything from soundtracks to blockbuster hits to opportunities outside of his medium, as an actor. He was first offered the opportunity to sing The Heat Is On for the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack as well as Danger Zone for the Tom Cruise hit Top Gun. However, proving his patriotism to his own, he declined all offers stating that he would only sing his own material. Rumour has it he was also offered the role of Marty McFly in a fantastical journey into the future, however he politely declined, making way for Michael J. Fox to establish himself as one of the premier actors of his generation thus solidifying Canada as a hotbed of entertainers.

However, as fast as his meteoric rise to the top, so too was his fall. His follow up to his first two albums was unable to meet the lofty expectations put upon it. What is worse, the most successful hit from the album wasnt even written by him, but instead it was the Elvis Presley hit Falling in love. Ensuing unsuccessful albums like Young Man Running, Bang, and Attitude and Virtue, while having modest success in his local Canada, failed to garner any enthusiasm outside.

Now, Corey prefers to remain out of the spotlight as he continues to write and produce music for Canadian artists. Corey, his wife, French Canadian star Julie Masse, along with their 4 kids live modestly in the Bahamas.

In summary...

2006-12-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

As I near the end of my Albertan experiment, I feel it's important to dwell on some of the finer memories I will have from this place:

-Throwing up in my secretary's sink after the Christmas party

-Living it up in Rimby with Lisa

-Pulling donuts in the company parking lot with Travis' cube van

- The frequent visits to the Power Hour

- Losing my shoes and my license at the same party

- Watching T get all wound up over his crack smoking girlfriend

- Brett getting the whole lot of us into the Sidebar and having our drink tab taken care of my the bar

Yes, not a lot as far as memories to move on with which is probably for the better. I ain't in the kind of place that is known for happy memories and happy times which is why coming here was both the best and the worst move i've ever made. If I had done this at the beginning of my trek to finding myself, perhaps I wouldn't feel this way, but after 8 or so months of living out of a suitcase, it becomes draining. Hopefully the next place, wherever that is, will be a tad happier. I think I am entitled to being happy at some point. Or maybe not, maybe I don't deserve to be.

I have so much I want to write but I don't feel putting it down in word form really does justice to how it feels up in my head. Even if I were to warrent the frustrations and the shame, unfortunately very few, if any of you reading would understand. People tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to suck it up and all that, but it's hard when the only thing you consider yourself in life is a burden.

I have spent the last couple of days having troubles breathing, something I thought was due to complications from the pneumonia. And while that may be true, I also think a lot of it has to do with what is goign on inside of my head. I constantly feel the walls of opportunity to living a normal life closing in around me, and no matter how small the room gets, the walls still feel like they're moving in. Every now and then I feel myself reaching lower and lower points even though each time I didn't think feeling lower was possible. I have alienated myself from everyone I know, I have become merely an afterthought, a quasi-charity case in which peopel like to drop kind words and try to solve all of my problems by telling me to snap out of it, but they can all kiss my ass. I'm beyond salvation at this point. I no longer feel emotions, just a constant pain in my chest and a lingering sentiment of clausterphobia even in wide open spaces. I am at a loss, and as far as I'm concerned, I have no where to turn. And even if and when I find my next destination, this entire process will just be repeated over and over again. The irony, I'm a person who doesn't really want to live, yet at the same time, scared to death of anything related to dying. I have isolated myself from the outside world, so this is my only real outlet, the only friend I have, the only thing I can trust, because unlike all of you, this doesn't judge me.

See you in the next county

What the hell?

2006-12-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

Who the hell gets pneumonia on Christmas?? Can I safetly say I've had the shittiest Christmas ever? Out all night on Friday, start feeling ill on Saturday, before I know it i'm in the freakin hospital getting examined. Before I know it i'm staying overnight on Christmas eve. Surprisingly the place was fairly packed for what the evening was. Anyways that sucked and it got me thinking, if anything bad happened to me at my friend's place while i'm still there, no one would be able to help me until he got back. Meaning, if I had something serious happen to me like today or tomorrow (or Sunday for that matter), i wouldn't be found until like the 8th of January. That would suck. What a lonely helpless feeling that was.

Anyways, all things considered I wasn't nearly as miserable as I should have been considering the cirumstances, but that's how my holidays went.

Was planning on leaving like yesterday or something but today was the first time I felt healthy enough to go out and face the outside world. Still don't know where i'm going but life's a bitch so what can I say.

well then....

2006-12-22T13:55:00.000-08:00

Now what?

Yesterday was officially my last day on the job and now i'm starting to realize I gotta pick somewhere new to go ASAP. Yukon maybe? How about taking another gander into the states say Minnesota or Milwaukee. Dunno...

Anyways, Merry X-mas or soon to be X-mas y'all.

2006-12-16T16:31:00.000-08:00

Apparently it's Chanukah. Guess i'm a lousy Jew or something, so happy Chanukah to those who know better.

OK scratch that....

2006-12-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

OK, so the shelter thing was a stupid idea. At least now I know that i'm not cut out to be a homeless bum. That's gotta count for something doesn't it?

Anyways, back at my buddy's house. No more homeless for me, at least not here and now.

I work until the 22nd of December and then i'm outties.

Peace.

Freedom

2006-12-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Well now i've gone and done it, just when you thought things wouldn't be bleaker, I've done even more stupid things to really derail any chance I had of getting back on my feet.

First off, before I go into my recent events of stupidity, let me just say that this is my blog, and this is my only outlet for how I feel on the inside (well, my only other outlet, I do have another blog out there that is far far darker than this one). If my words sound whiny and attention grabbing to you, well then I surely just don't give a fuck. I don't bullshit on this, and what I write is exactly the truth. Yes I hate my life, yes I wish i had never been born, yes I choose to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for some weird reason and yes I feel hopeless and i'm just waiting for the end (I won't initiate it though). That's me in a nutshell. Sorry if you people don't like it but this is the truth. This is what you're stuck with which is why it is so imperative for you all to be out of my life. None of you deserve to deal with my severe issues and I choose to block you all from them. You may not like it and you may be worried well so am I. I won't lie, I'm scared to death of myself and what I have become. But mostly i'm just scared to death of living and turning 80 realizing that I wasted all of my time. Everyone gets older and everyone grows up, and, especially for those really close to me, the more I notice it, the more depressed it makes me. So the choices I make now, do I necessarily believe in them? Absolutely not. Are they the right decisions? Probably not. But I made them, and I will continue to make stupid, irrational decisions because that is what I have decided to be.

As for some people who felt it necessary to do their own rant as to their take on my writings, we're in two different worlds darling. You have no idea what i'm going through and I can fucking guarantee that.

As for what I have done, well today I quit my job to pursue my career in alcoholism. Ok that's not entirely true, but i did quit my job because I didn't feel like working any more. 3 months of hard hard labour, overtime hours, late nights and enormous amounts of stress, and absolutely nothign to show for it. No money, barely a dent on my bills, and an even higher level of self-doubt than before. Good showing.

So what am I going to do for money and such? Well that is helped by my second irrational decision. I moved into a homeless shelter. I kept all my stuff at my buddy's house, but just my stuff. Me, I sleep on a crummy cot with the rest of the city's drub. So people keep asking me for an address, guess what? I don't have one. Joke's on you.

So tomorrow is another day, a day I don't have to worry about doing anyting because, well I don't have to worry about anything. Actually that's not true, I work until the end of the week so I can have some pocket change for the rest of my life. I also have a 500 dollar westjet credit if anyone is interested. I'm not gonna use it since i'm stuck here.

So there ya have it. I'm now living the life physically that I have been living mentally. I'll try to keep you posted, but they don't really look kindly towards my kind (homeless bums) in fancy cafes.

back off

2006-12-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

My rants are my rants and I don't need people telling me what I need after reading what I write.

I don't want help, I don't want sympathy or worry, I just want people, everyone, the world to leave me alone. I'm miserable, I'm always going to be miserable, and there aint' a damn thing anyone can do to change that. I don't want to spend time with friends or family during the holidays, instead I'm going to sit at home for the entire 10 days and watch TV. Oddly enough, i'm at my happiest when I'm at my most miserable, not that that means much.

But I am my own person, what I choose to do with my life is my business and no one elses. All I can hope for is that whoever reads this accept the choices I make.

So please, leave me alone.

Minor Setback

2006-12-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, this rant isn't gonna make a lot of people happy but i feel that, since this is my blog, i am entitled to say what I want to say.

First off let me say that, when I was back in Montreal and went to see someone, they told me that my main issue is that I didn't feel reliant enough on myself and that once I went out and started working somewhere I would feel better about my abilities and would only look ahead and not back. Well, I've been out busting my ass for the last few months and I can honestly say that I am not happy. Nothing has changed, if anything my situation has gone from bad to worse. Working has made me realize how much I hate working and when a paycheque goes in less than a day and you still owe money all over town, than what's the point? I'm uncomfortable in every situation that I'm in, whether it home life (doesn't matter where, here, Vancouver, Montreal...), or in my working life. I hate being everywhere and I hate being me in the situation that I'm in. Face it, i'm done. Looking back on the last, say 4 weeks, and I can already foresee how the rest of my life is going to go. I'm just never going to be happy nor comfortable being who I am. I don't even know who I am anymore thus trying to figure out what I want is virtually an impossible task. I've come to this realization...again...that I wasn't meant for this world. I know it sounds stupid and cowardly, but bottom line is that every day I look forward to less and less, and my outcome of every day that follows becomes bleaker and bleaker. I hate being here and there, I hate goign to work but I go to avoid home life, and I go home, even though I hate it there, just to avoid work. And I go to both places to avoid having a social life, which I have none, which I refuse to partake in because of my own confident deficiencies. I speak with family, and, ever since being back in Montreal, I've realized that I have become the one that everyone feels awkard around because of my insane fragility. I'm the one that everyone expects to off myself and they're all, i'm sure, just waiting for that phonecall from someone that they know is going to come sooner or later. I'm not the son or the friend that people want to help, i'm the one that people just don't want to have to deal with anymore. And who can blame em? I don't want to deal with me anymore. I'm tired, i'm tired of being tired. I hope people don't get too put off by this rant, but this is how it is being me on a daily basis. I just, plain and simply, don't want to be here anymore. Not here as in Edmonton. I mean here as in alive. It's just not worth all of this anymore. It's been a steady decline for as logn as I can remember and i'm at a point where I spend every day wondering how the world would be if I weren't in it. When I saw a shrink, he asked me if I ever wondered that and I lied and told him no. Well, truth be told, it's all I think about. The only happy times are when with family, yet when I'm with family, I am at my most miserable. This is going to be my last rant for a while because I need to get away from this, from myself, from...everything.

So to all of those reading this, don't worry about me, i'll be fine. I just want to let you all know that I appreciate everything you all have done for me.

Cheers

brrr.....

2006-11-29T17:31:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, it's cold out here. I've been through some pretty crumby weather in my life (the 20 years I spent in the frozen Montreal winters come to mind), but the last few days out here have really taken my knowledge of cold weather to a new low. It hasn't just been cold, it's been cold where you feel it in your bones. This is the kind of cold that when you wear a scarf, the moisture from your breath freezes near the top causing you to stick. You end up pulling this wool off of your skin only to find that it takes quite a lot of yanking. Now THAT'S cold. It hurts, especially during my long walks to and from work (about 35 minutes each way). No amount of clothes can compensate for the chill, it's just something you have to bear with.

But honestly, I don't know how much more of it I can take. I really think i'm starting to come to the end of my stay out here. I can't stand my roomate anymore, and I don't know if I want to make any kind of commitment to an apartment. I want nothing holding me down, unless I am truly comfortable in staying. I still plan on trainign for the fire fighter exam, and i guess i'll wait and see how that goes before I make my decision, but as of now, it doesn't look like Alberta is where I want to be either. So I guess it's time to start thinking about my next destination.

One such option is Toronto because I may go to Ryerson for a certificate. I figure, since all I want now is a career and not just a job, I may as well train and educate myself at much as I can for when the opportunity to be in my field arrives. I was hoping to save up more money while out here, but with bills and living expenses, it hasn't been the gold mine i was hoping.

Speaking of which, I'm seriously considering nixing my trip back East for the Christmas holiday. As much as I really want to be with family and away from all this for a couple of weeks or so, I don't know if it is such a smart thing to do financially. I already have my ticket for out there which cost me close to 600 and now that fares have been severely hiked for the Christmas rush, it'll cost me another 600 to come back. It almost makes it too easy to just stay there since I'm probably really going to want to when I go. It'll be too hard to come back and I may just stay here over the break and tough it out for a few days. Yeah, it'll be absolutely miserable, but the money could be put to such better use (at least that's what Royal bank, Visa, Fido and student loans keep telling me). Sigh, who knows what'll happen. All I know is I've been working far too hard for the money I make (I've worked 32 hours the last three days) yet I feel like absolutely nothing is getting accomplished. I'm not any closer to being debt free than I was a couple of months ago, I haven't gotten accustomed to the lifestyle out here and now with winter here, I just don't have what it takes to survive the frozen tundra. I'm just wasting time paying interest and counting down the days. Not exactly the life I was looking for.

Bleh....power hour is calling my name. Going away for the weekend with a couple of friends, so I'll be gone til Monday or so.

0 for 3

2006-11-22T17:07:00.000-08:00

What a lousy weekend for football

First the Michigan fiaso
Then Sunday both the Redskins and the Als lose
And now, I find out that I was 9-1 in my big football pool only to lose the next 6 games causing me to lose the week by 2.
I suck

It got cold out again, this time really really cold. I hate cold weather. And to make matters worse, I'm supposed to go further up north with a couple of friends for the weekend. May just cancel out and lounge around the warm apartment.

I met a nice girl last night at the laundermat. I've always wanted to do that. You see it in movies alot and it always seems like such a romantic way to hook up with someone. Alas, she had a boyfriend, but it was still fun to pretend for 90 minutes.

I had so much to say, but i forgot it all. Oh well

Til Next Year

2006-11-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

Damn, Michigan couldn't quite pull off the upset (if you want to call it an upset) of top ranked Ohio State. What a bummer, I was very superstitious yesterday, doing only things I thought would help make the game swing in our favour. But it was all to no avail. They thoroughly got outplayed by the Ohio State offence, once again havign trouble containing a mobile quarterback. The game looked very similar to Michigan's loss to Vince Young and the Texas squad a couple of years back in the Rose bowl. Either way, Michigan is still either gonna get a rematch against those hated buckeyes or, no worse than an invite to the rose bowl anyways. Either way, BCS all the way for the Wolverines. Too bad though, good game ruined by, and yeah this is one excuse out of many, poor poor turf at that stadium plus a couple of poor throws by Henne (The game would have been completely different had Henne been able to find Manningham who was streaking down the field unguarded late in the third. Bottom line, Michigan got beat against their strongest weapon, the front 7 and the running game. For a team that averaged 29 yards rushing against, they got whooped by that Buckeye running game. Oh well, they were underachievers last year, and yesterday played like it again. Even still, they're still, as far as what many knowledgable announcers say, the second best team in college football so a rematch may not be so far fetched, especially if Notre Dame can beat USC next week.

But enough sports, except for the grey cup today. Go Als!

Had to spend way too much money on a ticket back to Montreal but it's worth it. I would lose my mind being stuck here over the Christmas break. But still, half a pay cheque for one way. Damn holiday mark-ups. First the no bereavment fares and now this, no loyalty I tell ya.

Borat - great movie
Stranger than fiction - not so much

Should be getting my licence stuff on Monday or Tuesday which officially marks the end of my BC tenure.

Got a nice email back from my man Jonathan Ames in New York, I would love to do some kind of collaboration with him.

Wow, er I got nothin to write about.

Update

2006-11-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

Well, so far no shoes and no licence. Looks like i'm gonna have to pay tribute to them and move on.

My shoes were a wonderful pair. They were black skaters with the DC symbol in blue on the side. They were very nice shoes and, for the most part, able to withstand the harsh winters up until this point. I bought them when I went to Vegas with my some friends for a bowling tourny. Oh well, they will be missed. Next time i'm in Vegas, I'll go back to the outlet mall and pick up a new pair.
RIP

My licence was, for the most part, my best friend. We did everything together, went to the bars together, drove around together, we were for the most part inseperable. But now that it is gone, I feel empty and alone. I simply can't drink without it (literally, I needed it to prove my age) and now i'm stuck carrying around my passport, which isn't as good a friend, but is still a good drinking buddy.

Getting paycheques are unfufilling. That is the realization I came to today. Cheques are, unless you're on salary, always less than what you expect, and in my case, because almost everything I make goes to bills, is always the least exciting part of my week. Why? Because little of the money goes to me for my own pleasure so basically i'm working for free. And also, once you get paid then you don't have hours worked that aren't accounted for.

It's funny, Alberta is the most depressing province i've lived in and surprisingly, my depression is still at it's lowest point. I thought I've been able to cope with it for the last month or so, but now it's hitting me again harder than ever. Once again, I am feeling lost and for the most part, at the point of giving up. I keep thinking that I wish I never had gone out to Vancouver. I think it was t he absolute worst mistake I could have made. Absolutely nothing good came from being there and I wasted so many good years of my life. Yeah i'm working, but it's deadend and it's nothing I feel proud enough to talk about. There is no good coming out of working and i'm just getting older. If I just stayed in Montreal, chances are I would be someone by now. But unfortunately I played the wrong cards and now i'm on the verge of another breakdown. I pat myself on the back though because as low and as miserable as I always seem to be feeling (and i'm talking always, 24/7), I still function as a normal member of society. I'm just holding out hope that some good will come my way in the near future. I'm getting older and as far as i'm concerned, my future is getting bleaker while my past is getting more and more regretful. I already know I wasted an entire decade and i'm afraid if i don't break out of this funk soon, I'll waste the next one as well. Someone send me a sign, what am I supposed to do.

And on that note, i'll speak to you all later

The Lost and Found Party

2006-11-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

So Friday night, I had planned all along to come home, and just let my body relax for the evening and then go nuts on Saturday, but, as usual with me and peer pressure, that didn't exactly happen. I'm not sure if i mentioned it before, but the upstairs neighbors all happen to work in bars and all have a tendency to drink and party all night. Many times I find myself guilty of wandering upstairs only to stumble down many hours later wondering what I went up for in the first place. Well Friday was no exception. I hear the familiar clunk clunk clunking of shoes hitting the hardwood floors and after much contemplation (alright very little contemplation) I decide to grab the last two rickers reds in the fridge and wander on up to see what was going on. Well, before I know it, i'm running downstairs frantically trying to find my wallet and to lock up. You see it was Bannerman's birthday (don't know him either, but what a killer party/birthday name! "Hey it's Bannerman!", "Bannerman's plastered again", or "Oh man, It's your turn to go bail out ol Bannerman" - it's like a character out of Seinfeld), and sure enough that was reason to drink like fools, something I've become fairly accustomed to doing on a more frequent basis. Well anyways, we all hit some bar close by and it is absolutely packed. We don't get back until a little after 2:30 in which most of us are fairly intoxicated. Well, I don't know how this happened, but I think someone took my shoes. I'm deadly serious, I was ready to go home and noticed my shoes were no longer at the door. So I can finally say I've lost my shoes at a party.
But there's more. As I'm filling out my fire fighters form, I went to find my Driver's Licence because they asked for the number and something seemed a little, how should I say, off. So i'm looking at the picture on the BC licence, then at a mirror and then at the picture again. Hmm...this Michael Smith Character doesn't appear to be me. In fact, he is quite ugly where as I am a beautiful beautiful person. Sure enough, I nabbed the wrong licence, which is quite sucky because I don't know how to get mine back. You see, I was hanging out with this girl, and she decided she wanted to go out for a cigarette and I felt compelled to join her for some more intimate time. The smoking area at this particular bar was outside in the back and to get out you have to give your licence to some bouncer in back. For what reason, I have no idea, but I also didn't feel the need to question it as I had other goals in my mind. Anyways, I just came back and grabbed the first BC licence I saw, because I figured there wouldn't be another. Well, how wrong I was. I'm tempted to go back right now to find out if they still have mine, but I don't know if i want to set foot in a bar right now. Yesterday I was a complete mess and today I'm roarin to start boozin again.
So as of today, Sunday, I am yet to see the return of my shoes and i still haven't gone back to get my licence. Talk about being on the ball. Works out that the girl who was all over me, also had a boyfriend who was at the party/bar. Anyways, before I knew about their relationship, he and I had been talking about doing some work as a technical writer and he was going to help me out. Now I just feel bad, but I also didn't initiate anything. It does take two to tango after all. Too bad though, I was going to ask this girl to come with me to my office Christmas party after my previous date cancelled (family visit my ass). Well, back to the drawing board.
I'm still bitter about my bingo miss
My creative juices are starting to flow again, thank god.
Gotta start finding a new place to live soon, so if anyone has any ideas, feel free.
I didn't think it was possible, but i'm starting to get used to this cold weather.
Favorite drink nowadays? Green Tea Latte, thought you should know
YEah, I finally got a phone again!
Well, i'll keep you updated on my missing stuff, hopefully I'll have some good news sooner rather than later

Bingo, no go

2006-11-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I went with a couple of friends to bingo and came frighteningly close to winning a whole load o cash, but alas it wasn't meant to be. You see, in the middle of all the frantic number calling and checking going on (these people take their bingo pretty frickin seriously), there are all these bingo volunteers (yes, even bingo needs free help from time to time) walking around selling cards for special mid-card events. For example, there is one called bonanza which happens at the beginning and middle of the entire night (approx 4 hours long) and weird designs are needed in order to win a fair amount of money. Another is speedo (classy) in which the bingo caller is just pounding out numbers a mile a minute. In this game, you need to fill up the entire card (aka a 'blackout' for all you know-it-alls) and honestly, with the hectic pace, doesn't take long to happen. I, personally would never even try this because I have a hard enough time just keeping up with the normal pace and any faster would force me into a number-crunching seizure in which i may never fully recover. The particular game that always catches my eye is a game called satellite. With this game, not only do you play against the people in your parlor, but against other bingo-freaks throughout this great province, and the numbers are called out by this phantom figure who appears on the television screens throughout the hall (we in the know call him Jesus). Anyways, the way this works is, depending on the date (if it's the 16th, you fill in all the even numbers on your card, if it's like the 3rd or the 17th, all the odd numbers are filled in). The point of the game is to fill up your entire card and the payout can be quite handsome, even more so if you can fill up your card within a certain amount of numbers. filling it all in within 12 numbers gets you an additional 5,000 on top of the prize amount, 11 numbers 10,000 and within 10 numbers, 25,000. The top prize aside from these is usually around 12,000 so even if you don't get it inside of 12 numbers, you're still walking away a big winner.

So me, my buddies Travis and Lisa all get our cards, and I fill in my numbers, no big deal. I noticed one of my cards had a fair amount of odd numbers marked off (it was the 9th). 10 numbers were left to be specific, but again, like the realist that I am, I put it to the side without a thought and continued with the other crazy bingo game currently happening. You see, the satellite doesn't start until 9:00, and when that happens you can literally hear a murmur of excitement spreading throughout the 250 or so gamblers sharing my breathing space. It must be like this in all the bingo halls in Alberta because, it doesn't matter at what point you are in a game, it all grinds to a halt the moment 'Jesus' is ready.

So Satellite starts, I grab my group of cards and begin marking off the even numbers as their called. B4, G52, O68, all these even numbers are being called off on my good card ( I didn't even notice the other cards at this point). Sure enough, like a sniper, each number is being picked off one by one. I kid you not, the first 9 numbers called took off 9 of the ten numbers on my good card. I am sitting there, i'm sure miles ahead of everyone else in the entire region, not just the particular parlor I was sitting in. I mean the chances of having 9 numbers out of 9 taken off on a card is unbelievably rare. So, one number left, if he calls it next I win close to 35,000, 2 numbers 25,000 and so on. I am sitting here, my heart is pounding a mile a minute. I'm doing all this thinking, as if the game stopped in between the 9th and 10th numbers called. Well, real time was much shorter and sure enough, 'Jesus' continues shouting out numbers. One by one, numbers are called, none that I need. I've been cursed again but still no one in the entire province has claimed the jackpot yet so there's still hope. Number after number is called, none matching the one unmarked spot on my card with the numbers and letter O72. Sure enough eventually three bingos, one from Edmonton, one from Calgary and one from Red Deer all steak their bingo claim and steal the money right out of my pocket. I was crushed, This was a lower than low feeling. It was as if the Gods were playing a trick on me. Well, there was still hope to win the parlor prize since each place still had a winner for the game, although not nearly as lucrative (about 200 bucks). First number called, nothing, second third forth...

"Bingo"

Someone shouted it out and again I was left with empty pockets. Sure enough, the very next number called was mine. I was left with a chance to chat with my fellow bingo-ers about the fish that got away.

Oh well, Next week i'm due.

Sigh....

2006-11-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

I'm bored. Plain and simple. My brief love affair with the province of Alberta is already starting to wear thin. My patience for my high expectations is surprisingly short as a month has gone by and I am already looking around for my next destination. Is this what I am destined to do for the rest of my life? Am I just the type who goes around from place just to get a taste of what it has to offer? I can't even think about how many different places I have done that in throughout this past year. See there's two ways of looking at it. One, I like moving from place to place as it keeps me on my toes, it allows me to get to know a new place every month or two, and it also forces me to go out and be a productive member of society. It's also a bonus because from time to time, my location experiments influences me to write about what has transpired throughout my brief time in wherever i'm in, some writing is 100% factual, others are heavily influenced by my brief experiences (hey, if everything that was happening in my stories were true, I would probably have never have left the first place I trekked to). In addition to all that, it allows me the opportunity to escape myself and my past. I no longer am constantly reminded of the failure I was, even though my current positon in life is not exactly envious.

On the other hand, moving around from place to place is an incredibly lonely thing to do. No matter what, your isolation from everything is magnified a thousand times. Being in a new place constantly forces you to go out and make a name for yourself, to create some kind of public acceptance that usually takes years to develop. It's not like it is in the movies where some random stranger will inexplicably show up in a town and by the end of the night has been offered several financial possibilities, has slept with the most gorgeous woman in wherever they are and has basically become known to the point where they can return to the scene of the crime and be instantly recognized. Well, that doesn't happen. In reality, it is a slow, painstakingly self-doubting experience. You begin to question your abilities to find yourself, even though all things considered, I've been pretty successful out here. But, that isn't what i'm looking for. I'm trying to find a place where I know I will be pretty happy and pretty comfortable ten, twenty, fifty years down the road. On the other hand though, it may not be the place that helps me make that decision but the people in it. Out here, I can give or take the cold weather, the hard blue-collar like attitude and the strange infatuation with really crappy Canadian rock (what's up with all the theory of a nickle-fault cover bands out here?), but up until know, I really doubt that I can stay in this place for much longer. That, i'm sure, like everywhere else, has to do with the fact that I know very few people. Some people have a knack for become mr. or mrs. social, but others, like me, struggle with that, especially when in a completely foreign place. You see, I had issues back in Vancouver with some of the people, many of whom I choose not to talk to ever again, but the issues still haunt me. They haunted me in the states, and they haunt me back in Canada. I am ready for a family life. I want that part of my life filled, mainly so I don't have to think about the "what if's" of the past. When my grandfather passed, it gave me a whole different perspective, and in fact a shot of reality. The older generations are falling fast and with that I move up a notch, everyone moves up a notch. Soon, I will no longer be a grandchild to anyone. Time flies, and it feels like I'm standing on a moving elevator with no way of getting off. Eventually the end comes.

So this is my dilemna. Am I willing to stay in a craphole like Alberta long enough to try and make something happen, or am I destined to roam around the world thus giving me virtually no chance of ever fufilling what I truly crave? If I stay here, I will never fully achieve my potential in every capacity; ambitiously, romantically and financially. If I go, the city will just be another notch on my belt. Which wins out? Only time will tell.

Still planning on going out East for Christmas, don't know if the boss gives a week off or not. I would rather quit the job than be stuck here alone for the holidays. That would be the absolute last thing I would need. I dont even think i would make it.

Went to home depot today, saw a sale on Christmas lights....tis begun.

Peace out y'all

Balls to the Wall

2006-11-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

Man, I know I have spent a majority of my life living in places where the winters get cold, but still, having to endure this cold Alberta snap is seriously starting to take its toll on me. Maybe I'm just getting older and bitchier, but I can no longer seriously handle the miserably cold weather. You know, the kind of weather that freezes the snow already on the ground allowing you to crunch your way through only to slip on the clandestine icey patch embetted somewhere in there. This is t he kind of cold that forces you to wear as much clothes as you have (on my walk to work and back, I wear two sweaters, a hat and a scarf or pretty much all my winter clothes out here). No matter how long you walk for, you still come home to find your face bright red and your nose a leaky faucet. Ok, maybe too explicit, but you get the idea. Anyways, it has been absolutely freezing out here. Everyone I talk to here tells me that this is just a phase that will pass as quickly as it blew in, sort of like mother nature's way of warning us that winter is well on its way. Well, and I am no Alberta expert or anything, so far it has blown in, and has shown no sign of leaving anytime soon. If you ask me it is here to stay. And of course, a lot of people I talk to and who I make mention to of how cold it is, tell me something to the effect of " Cold? This is warm! Wait til winter hits." Yeah, that makes me really wanna stick around. What can I say, I'm climate-influenced. Maybe that's why I keep moving around, because all the places I go have shitty weather. All my long term locations were either too cold or too rainy. I need to move to a club med, that's what I need.

Too make matters worse, I did a good amount of partying and drinking over the halloween weekend and now i'm paying the price. I managed to get myself sick as a dog (I know I know, nothing unusual for ol Raheem). But waking up at 6:40 every morning and dragging myself to work for a 9 hour day certainly takes a lot out of me when I'm healthy so imagine how tough it is feeling like crap? Oh well, adversity builds character and all that jazz. Just gotta be healthy for the weekend with a small office party on Friday and then a friend's friend is in town for a fight on Saturday. Gotta make sure I'm healthy enough to drink til i'm sick.

Nothing crazy for halloween. The loud upstairs people had a party so I went up and ended up staying til 3 in the morning. Apparently two of the three people living up there work in bars so we just rumaged from place to place gettin free booze. I'm such a mooch.

What else what else, Forest Fire Fighter training begins soon and the physical exam is in early January, or, I believe, the same weekend that I was supposed to go to Vegass for the BYO punk rock bowling tourny. Gotta make up my mind soon I guess.

pfft....two more days til the weekend.

Brutal

2006-10-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, another long work week has come and gone and now the weekend is here. Oh wait a minute, I'm fucking working tomorrow from 10 til 5. So much for getting hammered like the alcoholic I am. Oh well, I'm still gonna get drunk. 7 Hours of time and a half means an extra 150 bucks in my pocket. Drinking money. Gonna make me happy at the Purple Onion where highballs are only a buck. Good times.

Checked out the hockey game on Monday. Rough fucking day that was. Drove from New Jesery to Montreal. Got on a plane, flew to Calgary. Took a red-eye bus to Edmonton. Walked home from the bus stop (which was more or less EXACTLY right next to my work), ate some breakfast, walked back to work. Total time in transition - 19 and a half hours. Total amount of sleep - zero. So get to work, boss comes back to me and my buddy and says he got his quad stuck in a sinkhole and if we managed to get it out, hockey tickets and drinks on him. Fuckin' right. We got it out. Lousy game, but the beer and the eye candy made it worthwhile. Besides, can't complain about getting ripped off.

Paid 800 bucks to visa. That should keep them fuckin' happy til I pay em another grand next week.

How does one go about getting their stuff back from people they had no intention of ever speaking to again? What's more important, pride or electonics?

Peace

Let it snow...

2006-10-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

First good snowfall of the year and it was actually quite beautiful walking to work this morning. Sure it was cold, but if I don't get used to it soon I won't last very long here. Maybe that's for the better though because I've been here for almost a month so it may be time to move on to a new destination.

Grandfather had a stroke last night and it doesn't look good. I don't know what is more upsetting, the fact that a close family member is in serious jeopardy as far as health goes or just the stoic view that that generation is starting to fall like flies and now my parent's generation becomes the one that is the next to go. I know, it's a shitty way to think but I can't help it, that's the way I am. I think about these things all the time. I try not to be a fatalist, but in reality, the only sure thing in life is death. How miserable to think about in that the only for sure thing in this world is that we will all die. Love is not a sure thing, happiness, success, fear....these things are subjective - death is the only guarantee.

Hit a straight flush in Video poker a couple of days back winning a grand total of.... wait for it.....14 dollars. Still that helped pay for my liquor tab for the night (it helped....barely).

Blah...work makes me write less.

Home On The Range

2006-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I finally found out the perfect way to release some stress (non-sexual that is, overall this would be the 32nd most perfect way) - hit the gun range. Me and a couple of buddies decided to give it a try and fire off a round or two. Man was it worth it. We were given berrettas with tiny little .22 bullets and told to let loose and boy did we ever. I was hittin my bullseye left and right, literally, I was only able to hit around it. Man, it was a small gun, but man did it pack a powerful punch. Tough to get a good grip on those things when they're firing but it took about 10 shots before i was able to get a better handle on it. I even got to live out my dream of firing a gun sideways because it always looked so cool on TV. Way tougher to control this way, especially with only one hand on the gun. Needless to say I didn't even come close t o hitting my target. I would make a shitty sniper. What made things easier was I just focused on my target and imagined all the things that were pissing me off in this world. God it felt good when I made contact. In my head I told them, "Yeah, that's what you get for raining on my parade". It didn't really make any sense but it gave me some satisfaction. I'm gonna go back this weekend and try something a little heavier.

Man, i'm sick of work. I'm glad the weekend is here already. YEah I know, complain complain, I'm allowed to now that i'm a working man.

I got some more crazy thoughts back in my head:

I think one of the things I would love to do before I kick the bucket is go to a live taping of Jeopardy. No, I don't want to actually be on the show (well I do but that's not what this dream is about), I just want to sit in the audience and hoot and holler with everyone else. You know, sit on your hands, desperately trying not to blurt out the few answers you know. And when the daily doubles come, there's your opportunity to go apeshit. I would be elbowing the person next to me and whispering, "you know the person winning? I taught them everything they know". IT wouldn't matter if I actually knew the winner or not, the importance would be how impressed this loser I would never see again would be with my lie. Yeah, i'm a guy with important goals in life. Price is Right would be good too because you can be way more obnoxious. The problem with that however is that you can't really stick out as the loud asshole on the show because you're just being like everyone else.

I decided if and when I have a kid, I'm going to convince whoever the mother is (don't wanna say wife, that wouldn't be very modern of me) not to name the baby. Seriously, ( was thinking about names and how there's a thousand different options but really their only goal is so one can identify with someone else. I'm thinking people name their babies really stupid things just as an opportunity to stand out (i'm looking in your direction Gwenyth Paltrow. Ok I'm not really looking in your direction because I don't really know which direction you're in, but, you know). Well, what would stand out more than a baby that didn't have a name? How would you address it? Would you call it Ms. or Mister Shakur? Maam or sir? Would everyone just give it their own name (because chances are the baby when it grows up wouldn't be too keen on having weird parents who would do something so mean as a way of expression)? Well, when it happens, we will find out the answer to all of those.

I'm tempted to call one of those 1-800 chat lines. Who is on those things at all kinds of ungodly hours? Why do the people in the ads look like their having so much fun? Wouldn't it be kinda difficult to get that comfortable with someone on the phone who you've never met and is actually calling a payline to meet some people? I dunno, I kinda find that pathetic, but then again the girls in the ads are always hot and really, when has an ad ever misled anyone?

Friggin sharks blew a 3 goal lead yesterday those sonsobitches. If they lose to the Canucks tonight, I know who I'll be aiming at at the range.

Tempted to go fuck off to New Hampshire for a little while to work on some magazine, but don't know if I want to go back there again. Besides, I still have to see what is going to happen with my forest fire boot camp. So many choices for a change.

Laterr

enough already...

2006-10-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and tired of people always telling me to "keep my head up" or "hang in there" because "good things will eventually come my way". I've come to learn over the years that this is complete and utter bullshit. This is gonna be one hell of a rant so grab a cup of whiskey and get comfy.

Did I lose some kind of competition or something? How come with practically every goddam person I know, good fortune has always stumbled upon them? Whether it be jobs, friends, relationships (casual or longterm) or just plain happiness, everyone I know has managed to get that free pass to bliss every once in a while. It may not be often, but I have noticed that everyone I know has had one such positive freak occurance at least once in the time that I have known them. I just want to know when is it finally going to be my turn? I'm sick and just plain tired of always havign to overcome adversity. I've had to deal with adversity all my life and I am just annoyed at this point. I can't ever remember a time when I wasn't swamped with adversity. It's to the point where I am almost comfortable with it in my life and if things were actually going smoothly, I would feel nervous. Well, once again, adversity has gotten the better of me. Three different time zones and I've felt beaten up mentally and physically in all three. Adversity is like debt (which incidently I have a lot of) - if you ignore it, it just builds up to the point where you just get overwhelmed and quit. Well that's where I am.

This is also why I stopped talking to certain people in my life. They, as long as I have known them, have rarely had to deal with the same level of stress and adversity as I. I'm not saying that haven't come across these situations every now and then, everyone does. What i'm saying is that good things happen to a lot of people whether they deserve it or not. Sure there may be a crisis here and there, but for the most part, good fortune always seems to find them. It's like I'm the negative karma that balances out everyone's positive luck. Maybe that's why I stopped talking to them. Maybe I have decided that they no longer deserve the freebies. Time to take off the training wheels.

And myabe that is why I am embarking on this journy with the people I am with. Hard working/ down on their luck/ fate-don't-give-a-shit-about-them kinda people. People like me (except for the hardworking part of course). Maybe we're alll waiting for each other's karma to help us out. We're waiting to get the positives from each other's negatives before the well runs dry.

But seriously, getting back to my original point, if one more person tells me to "hang in there", I will hang myself and leave a suicide notesaying that I took everyone's advice too goddam literal. I've been hanging in since I hit puberty and I'm almost 30. For all those who gave me this cliche, what makes you so sure that there is a light at the end of the tunnel? I take all the right steps yet still seem to be going backwards. People said get a degree and the doors will open. Bullshit. Apply for jobs and you will find one. The only thing I got were rejections. Ask her out , you will have a great time. Yeah, thanks for the call back. I have about as much fate in what people tell me as I do in what I tell myself. Do me a favour and stop giving me advice and just let me be. I'm putting my life in the hands of fate and destiny. Now we will truly see if I am due any kind of good fortune. You want to help? Send cash or cheque care of me. Watch the overdraft though on my account. Or you can always just pay my bills and get the creditors off my back for a change. What are they all goign to do when fido finally cuts me off (which should be shortly based on their phonecalls). Then I will literally be unreachable. Jokes on them.

And for everyone reading this who sees some sort of familiarity in what I may be talking about and their lives, yes I am talking about you. Stay out of my life. Seriously, I want you all gone forever. You are all just reminders of the cruel games played on us.

I've become numbed..not comfortably though

Where's Waldo?

2006-10-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well after stumbling around for the better part of the last 6 months, I have now managed to make it to the colourful (and by colourful i mean white trash [or "bread"]/ blue collar) world of Alberta. Now officially in my third time zone in a week and to be honest, I have no idea what time it is. How did I end up out here? Simple, I managed to catch a plane to Vancouver where my buddy and I promptly picked up and drove to Edmonton in no less than 12 hours. Nice drive but I have so much shit on my mind that I didn't get to thoroughly enjoy it. Anyways, when i did stop to smell the roses, I tried my hardest to fully appreciate what it was. And it made me realize; cities like vancouver or San Fran or Montreal or New York or whatever, they all have their pros, but dont appeal to me. I need to be in a place like Edmonton to fully appreciate what hard work can generate. Everyone in the rich cities take everything for granted (even though they tend to think otherwise). They make bad decision, do rash things and dont take chances. Lame...hopefully I can escape those standards and better myself in some way.

Anyways, I took all my standard courses, said hi and bye to my dream girl, and am now trying to establish something. We'll see what happens.

I got hooked on the green tea latte at star bucks. Good stuff.

Place around the corner has dollar high balls....christmas is now officially from 8:00-9:00 every night.

Hockey season tonight...about fucking time. It's also nice to be in a city that understands the importance of hockey (Vancouver i'm looking in your direction).

I need to get a haircut, or get em all cut (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....dollar highballs)

i'm still in the process of eliminating a lot of people from my past in order to concentrate on the future as opposed to what i wasted in the past. If that includes you, nothing personal, it's just temporary until I can findmyself. Some have already gone through life-altering changes in the past little while which will give them other things to deal with. That makes it way easier for me to completely erase them from anything but memories. Some people just cant seem to accept it but it's no longer my problem. If they can't sympathize or at least allow me to do what I have to do in a way I want to do it, then they need to get off their high-horse and swallow a dose of reality.

So you think you can dance - The Conclusion

2006-09-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

Estaban looks at me and mouth’s the words “Oh snap!”, and with that we both walk out and jump in pose right when Vanilla goes “Alright STOP!”

We tore it up.

We had the whole crowd around us in a circle. Some people thought we were just hired dancers who came with the DJ, but most knew we were just students when they saw Estaban. The whole school knew what he brought to the table, so most of the murmurs and questions surrounded who the hell I was. You could hear some of the kids screaming out phrases like “man, they kickin it!” or “those moves are funky fresh!” all while they all pumped their fist in the air like Arsenio Hall used to do. No one knew my name, but they clearly recognized me as I would hear people talk about how I am in their class but I never talk. I couldn’t spend too much time concentrating on them because I had to make sure I didn’t screw up any of the moves. It’s one thing to throw my own popularity on the line, but with Estaban dancing in sync with me, I didn’t want to take the chance of hurting his rep. Like I already said, I don’t know if my screwing up would actually damage him, but it would certainly mess up the bond I have with him. Would he still introduce me to the other cool kids or even worse, would he still think I was cool enough to hang around with? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that his camaraderie was way more beneficial to my rep than the dance moves he showed me. The dancing was a way to make an impression, but with Estaban, as long as he was still in high school, I would always have an ‘in’ with the cool kids. I could have made it without the dancing, but never without Estaban.

And it went just like it did at practice. We were on fire. We were tighter than gold-medal winning synchronized swimmers. We must have busted loose on six or seven straight songs and the crowd ate it up. We hustled to ‘it takes two’ by Rob base and DJ EZ Rock. We rocked the house when Dee-Lite told us where the groove was. We lit it up when Fresh-Wes’ ‘let your backbone slide’ bumped on the speakers. We broke it down when we were told to stop because it was hammer time. Heck, Bell-Biv-Devoe had nothing on us. We even put the humpty back into the humpty dance.

Everything went perfectly, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that a little guilt didn’t creep into my mind from time to time. I would start thinking about to the dance competition my mother was in and I started thinking about how thrilled she was when I came home the next day and told her I wanted to be a tap dancer. Back then I didn’t really know what tap was, but I did know that her father was a world class tap dancer and they had spent many nights talking about his achievements. My mother was almost as enthralled by his stories as he was! I would hide behind the couch (for no reason I might add!) and eavesdrop on their conversations as if it was some taboo subject that I couldn’t know about until I was older (truth be told, my grandfather told me much later in life that they both knew I was hiding and that is why they began talking about the subject. This made the guilt ever more unbearable and I never had the heart to tell him I purposely forgot how to tap).

And now look at me. I have completely abandoned my heritage and for what? What was so important that I was willing to neglect my roots and ruin the significance of what my grandfather worked so hard to achieve? The answer to that is acceptance. I basically slapped my family in the face so I can get a bunch of 12 year old kids to like me, kids that I will probably see again after graduation. Kids who would probably treat me like garbage if not for my dance abilities.

No.

I couldn’t do it any longer.

Estaban and I left the dance floor to a chorus of applause and hooting, and walked over to the forbidden zone – the cool kids. Everyone was talking and high fiving Estaban and I, but I wasn’t really paying attention. All I could hear were the voices of my mother and my grandfather chatting enthusiastically about my future as a world class tap dancer.

“He’s going to make us all proud.”

“I am so proud of my little tap dancing Raheem.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked back to the dance floor without saying a word to the others, and the moment the first notes of Wild Thang started playing, I did what I should have done from the beginning. I tapped my ass off. I poured my heart and soul into my tap routine.

And the crowd looked on silently. No one knew what to think. I closed my eyes and imagined myself at a competition and in the first row were my family cheering me on. I could literally here the cheers and applause. And then I opened my eyes, and the cheering continued.

I don’t know if it was just because I had already shown myself to be cool or if the kids just dug tap, but they loved every step, every tap, every swing of the arms. Well, the real answer was because in my moment away from myself, Estaban joined me and started to tap alongside me. I looked back and he nodded as if to say “hey man, I got your back. Do what you gotta do.”

And that’s where the story ends.

I achieved my popularity but it wasn’t because of the dance moves that Estaban taught me. It was the exact opposite. It was because of the dance moves I taught Estaban. The two of us made tap cool again. Once the other students saw Estaban dancing, they all wanted to learn tap. Burn-outs would be seen tapping while smoking a joint at the blue doors. The hippies found a way to blend in the style with the grateful dead. Heck, even the coach of the football team forced the entire team to learn it as a way to improve their footwork. Everyone and I mean everyone was desperate to learn.

And fortunately for me, I was the only one in town who would teach it, or at least the only person who could make it cool to learn. Estaban and I did what we said we were going to do. We taught everyone in the neighborhood. He kept his word and brought in everyone, but truth be told, I didn’t really need him. After all, I was the best tap dancer around.

the end

Mildly Amusing Observation from a starbucks

2006-09-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

So i'm standing in the waiting area, that little space where everyone wanders around restlessly until someone calls out a drink and you pick it up. It was unusually busy, maybe about 30 or 40 people waiting around, people unsure whether their drink is actually their drink so they kind of wait a little bit after a drink is called and if no one is stepping forward then they go and grab it. Basically you dont want to be the impatient jerk who rushes the counter whenever your drink is called.

Anyways, I hear this call come from behind the counter:

"tall, non-foam, soy milk Cappuccino!"

And this woman hesitantly wanders up to claim her drink. But before she actually picks it up, she literally does a 360 head spin just to make sure she wasn't taking anyone else drink, anyone else's tall, non-foam, soy milk cappuccino. Well, last I checked, that wasnt a very common drink (thats actually the first time ive heard those 5 words put together like that). I mean i could understand a latte or even a regular cappuccino, but this was a rarity indeed.

And then she proceed to trip on the way out the door and got smacked by a car, dying instantly (ok, maybe not, but after re-reading this observation, it is clearly one of those "had to be there" moments)

So you think you can dance - part 7

2006-09-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

The first half hour was excruciating. All the songs were unfamiliar and I was completely unprepared mentally. I mean technically I could have gone out and tore it up, but I just didn’t quite feel like I was ready. This was my big moment and it had to be perfect. If my dances were horrible or I blew the timing on anything, I was going to be labeled in a completely new group – the "weirdo who has absolutely no idea". There’s no group worst than that. I would rather be part of the weird Goth kids or the ‘mama’s boys’ than be one of the weird, loner types. My one shot at fame and I was gonna blow it. Well, I didn’t want that to happen so if I was going to do this, it was going to happen on my terms.

So what happened next? Well, again, Estaban happened. He, along with his cool crew walked in fashionably late as they start to make the rounds with the other cool grade ten students along with all the ultra-cool kids in lower grades. You see once you achieve a certain level of coolness at your grade, it is fairly common to start hanging around with kids in higher grades. But they were select company, and you had to do more than just dance really well to achieve that. These kids are like the pro bowlers in the NFL. Making the NFL is cool and a rare, humbling achievement, but being voted as the best amongst your peers puts you at a level not reached by many players. In high school, you had to do everything well – dress well, have the look, the style, the luxuries, the ability to get alcohol AND hold your liquor and sometimes, only sometimes, did good grades matter. If you were lousy at school, but are the Jeff Spicoli type who purposely gets under the teacher’s skin just for a good laugh, well then grades don't matter (although those students just end up hanging out with the other burn-outs in higher grades). I never dreamed of reaching that plateau, at least not yet. This all wasn’t going to happen at one dance, but this was where I was going to make my start.

Anyways, after making his rounds, Estaban looked over and saw me leaning against a wall looking anxious and overwhelmed. He said his goodbyes and walked right over to me. That alone put me at a popularity rate higher than about half of the grade seven class, that’s how much leverage the guy has. He looks at me, opens his arms and says:

“What the fuck are you doing man? This is your moment. We didn’t bust our asses all freakin’ summer for you to cop out now!”

“Don’t worry,” I told him in a relaxed, almost cocky way. “I’m just waiting for the right song. Everything they’ve played so far has been absolute crap.”

“Well, you do what you gotta do but remember man, this is your time” He jams a finger into my shoulder as if to literally jam his point home. “If I don’t see you on that dance floor soon man, I’m gonna steal your thunder. Remember, I taught you some of my secret moves and if you ain’t gonna use em man, I will.”

I nodded. We slapped hands. As he starts to walk away he says, “Listen dude, do this shit and it’s smooth sailing from here on in. If you pull this shit off, come over and hang out with me and my crew. If you do what I’ve seen you do, you’ll be in. And the babes,” He kisses his fingers like the way the French do, “the babes will be crawling all over you like you were Vanilla Ice himself.”

And, almost as if right on cue, out of the gym’s booming speakers, a voice makes one request…

“Yo V.I.P., Let’s kick it…”

To be Continued....

So you think you can dance - Part 6

2006-09-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well tonight is the night. Months of practice and years of anticipation and expectations have all led up to this one 5 hour period. It was going to make me or it was going to break me. And since the sheer mental and physical exhaustion over the summer already broke me, I figure I deserved to have it made. The week leading up to the big dance was an intense crash course as Estaban and I devised a list of songs that would probably be played at the dance. We scoured all the top 40 lists and he actually went out of his way to sneak into a rival schools (Riverdale) dance to see what songs were playing and what songs were getting the greatest response.

Was I taking this too far? Probably. But Estaban is to blame for a lot of that. It was his stories that inspired me and scared me into thinking that how I perform at a dance would be a gigantic peer evaluation of what kind of a person I was (sure, I mean forget about the 40 hours a week I spend with these people, it all comes down to how I am at special outings). It was Estaban that wanted to show his appreciation because of the sheer satisfaction he got out of our tap experience. It was Estaban that seemed to want to live through me vicariously and thus practically ran a dance boot camp which made things a little uncomfortable as the weeks waned. Heck, he even came up with some two-people simultaneous dances just in case he decided to show up. I don’t know how that would have helped his school cred but it would sure give mine a boost. Imagine this unknown little 7 year-old in a dance off with the self-titled best dancer in the school. He really had nothing to lose as he was already in grade 10 and his popularity was already at a high level. He would never have to worry about losing any steam because, let’s be honest, being a celebrity at some point in your life is equal to guaranteed status. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it and frankly nor did I. In fact he seemed downright giddy over such prospects. It is as if he took me under his wing and wants to be there the moment I skyrocket into social acceptance.

He was going to help me in one way or another, even though I kind of preferred that I did it alone. I don’t want too many people making the connection between him and me (read: my sister). Maybe after I bust out a few moves he could like jump in three quarters of the way through a song and that’ll really get the crowd moving. For example, I could keep it real throughout Bust A Move by Young MC and when the third verse starts (you know, the one that begins – my best friend Harry has a cousin Larry…), he could jump in and everyone in the audience would be hooting and hollering, saying stuff like Oh Snap or Check out my BOY. But most importantly, I want that moment in the sun alone; the simultaneous dancing would just be the icing on the cake.

So during the first few weeks of my high school career, I purposely gave myself a low profile leading up the dance because I thought it would be cooler if I didn’t spend the entire time boasting. If I did that, I know the hype would certainly exceed my abilities and that would for sure crush any dreams I had of popularity. It was extremely tough to do because I only knew a couple of people in the school (who went to the same elementary school as me) and everyone was clearly going out of their way to make an impression on the rest of their classmates. It is early in your first year at high school that you get categorized into the group that you will be a part of for your entire 5 year tenure. The nerds establish themselves early, as do the burnouts, the jocks and the bullies. It was easy to see many of the students try too hard too early and end up being stereotyped as wannabes, or those who will do anything to achieve popularity, but end up being the butt of everyone’s jokes. By the time the dance came along, it was clear that the boundaries were set. In one corner were the burnouts, standing near the exit as groups of two or three would meander out and come back slightly loopy, and then another group would go out. The Chaperones were none the wiser, and maybe playing the role of ignoramus as if they refused to believe that kids this young were doing this sort of thing. In another corner were the nerds brave enough to show up where they don’t belong. These are the unfortunate students who made the mistake of raising their hand and answering the teacher’s questions thus being permanently labeled as geeks or teacher’s pet. The other side of the gym was where all the jocks and the cool kids marked their territory. And naturally, where the jocks go, so too go the women. My biggest problem was that I didn’t know where I was supposed to go. Like I said, I spent so much time not committing to any single group; I was a man without a crew. I always felt that once I achieved what I came to achieve, I was going to have my choice of who I wanted to be hanging out with. I was going to be the prize free agent who was going to bask in the glory of fringe benefits and luxuries until I made my choice. But for now, I had to wander until I found a spot where I didn’t look like such a stranger.

Stuff From You Tube

2006-09-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Instead of writing some lame ass observations that dont make any sense, I figure I will let youtube.com do that for me.

This one I dont really understand but it was fun to watch, I guess its for the gamer or Mario lover in all over us.
Heres Mario2 - Another amusing Mario movie

Speaking of Nintendo, heres some guy ranting and raving about how much he hates the original TMNT game. In fact most of his reviews are funny so check em out

Another Hasselhoff favorite.

Cant forget the Christian Coalition either!
Pirate - I think this one is about religion

look, these guys are....leeping.

Loved Big Lebowski and Loved He-Man...So voila

Another milestone

2006-09-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I was dabbing through celeb birthdays and I realized some of these names started looking familiar (well not the celebrity kind of familiar, familiar as in I remember knowing it was like Holly Robinson Peetes birthday) and thats when it hit me, I have been doing this stupid blog thing for over a year now. No stunning revalations brought on by these writings nor any profound thought-provoking valuable pieces of knowledge that would change someones life. Just 365 days of crap.

Well, here's some more:

How come whenever I watch TBS (or Turner Broadcasting Station for you people who actually have lives), there is always a commercial for a different college on like all the time. High Tech Institute, criminal justice institute, Westwood college, you name it. Oh GMI - Georgia MEdical Institute, thats a good one too. I mean really in the middle of the afternoon, there are NO commercials selling products, just colleges. Sorry, I just find it weird.

The calm has taken over and I am once again a redskins fan (sort of), I will still root for them and I will not abandon them.....yet.But they are running out of chances and considering I invested zero time or money on this team, I would be an irreplacable member of the fan base.

Lets be honest, does anyone really love Raymond?I would love to stab him in the throat, but thats as close as I get to love.

I have a craving to start driving a motorcycle again. Every year I always get this overwhelming desire to get myself a bike.

It must be pretty tough to write a suicide note. I mean sitting there writing something because you know you are going to die. I would probably write something funny and right before I die, I start to regret not taking it more seriously.

Word...

So you think you can dance - Part 5

2006-09-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

I, on the other hand, was not the swiftest of feet as Estaban was. I tried my hardest to pick up everything that I was taught but in all honesty, I was so used to practicing tap and little else that I looked like a puppet with no knees and absolutely no upper body movement. Estaban would tell me I look too mechanical whenever I dance, but I can honestly blame that on my experience with the tap. It requires that you subtly swing your arms and concentrate on using the balls and the heels of your feet – nothing more. Estaban taught me all about learning how to feel the music and let my body move with the beat. The difference, he would tell me, between tap and all this other stuff is that in tap you are supposed to look stiff and uptight. What I am teaching is supposed to go against the grain of everything those tap pros believe in. I guess you could say we are the rebels, the James Deans in a world of Richard Nixons. While at my age, the names were just names, I got the idea. Estaban, while fairly immature in almost all aspects of his life, was wise beyond his years when it came to dance. He told me that in order for me to learn how to dance and dance passionately, I had to forget everything I had already learned, meaning tap. He also stressed that I basically had to deprogram myself and erase everything I was taught when I was younger. He said dancing involves not memorizing steps, but feeling what comes naturally. Basically, in order for me to make it as a dancer, I was going to have to forget my bread and butter, my meal ticket, the one thing that still connects me with the memory of my mother. I was going to have to forget tap.

So I struggled quite a bit, not because I was so used to dancing tap, but because it was very difficult for me to voluntarily let go of something that is so personal. I had to make a choice; tap or popularity. Needless to say I went with the choice that would be more beneficial in my high school days. Everyday I would get up an hour early, half an hour to forget the past, half an hour to memorize my future. The more that left the easier it seemed to pick up what Estaban was teaching me. What he had to offer was a million times better, flashier and more innovative than anything the other punks in my neighborhood tried to teach me. He would always have a story to go with every dance move he showed me.

- This one drove the girls wild in Europe, especially Spain.

- If you can master this one, guaranteed that you would be the most respected kid in Brooklyn, just like I was when I was forced to compete in an underground break dancing competition in between shows in New Jersey and Long Island.

I don’t know how many of these stories were actually true but it didn’t matter because they did their job. I was inspired beyond belief. Between Estabans tour stories and his school stories, I knew exactly what I wanted to be and what I needed to do to achieve that.

And Estaban was as determined as ever to see that I became a great student. He and my sister were constantly getting into fights and I can probably take a lot of credit for that. In fact, the more fights they got into, the more he wanted to hang around the house which meant he was relishing every moment of her envy. So he either wanted to teach me the best he could to show his appreciation, or just as an excuse to constantly rub it in my sister’s face. Either way I was the one benefiting the most. I was getting the best training and was able to enjoy the ire of my older sister.

As our two months together passed, I started to see a lot of changes in my dancing abilities. No longer was I restricted by the same almost robotic out-dated style. Now I was a new man and let me tell you, papa had a brand new bag. I was on the cusp of starting high school and thanks to the steps that Estaban taught me, I was bursting with confidence. The first day of class was on the 28th of August but the first school dance wasn’t until the end of September. I had little more than a month to prepare for what could transform me into what I always wanted to be.

To Be Continued…..

The official declaration

2006-09-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

I hearby denounce my fanmanship (if thats even a word) to the Washington Redskins for being complete and utter fucks and incompetant spoiled brats and blowing it against the Cowboys. Andre Carter - 30 million for being a star in the weight room and deadweight on the field
Lloyd-Randel-el - 50 million for sometimes running up and down the field

Fuck this, I changed teams and this is how I did it. I put the names of the teams with black quarterbacks into a hat and chose. That included; The Raiders (brooks), Eagles (mcNabb), Ravens (McNair), Falcons (Vick), Dolphins (Culpepper), Cleveland (Frye), Tennessee (young), and Jacksonville (Leftwich)

And the winner is...

Atlanta....so now my hopes ride on my new favorite Negro - Michael Vick. Come on Ron Mexico, make up for the years of oppression against your people. Prove them right of this stereotype that all black people are good athletes. Dont let that washed up never was Doug Williams be the only of your people to Quarterback a team to a superbowl win.

Big ups to my Boy Malik Yoba celebratin his 39th today. Some may know him from the great show NY Undercover, others may remember him from a classic underachievers movie called Cool Runnings. He was the black guy. Also big ups to the most unfunny women in showbiz, Rita Rudner turns some age I stopped caring because shes so unfunny.

Triple Digits

2006-09-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Well I didnt want to create a big hoopla over my 100th post so I wont.

So...this is post number 100.

Awesome

My new shampoo has torn my scalp to shreds. Not only has it NOT solved my itchy problem, but I am now left with the most digusting looking scalp ever. Life just keeps on getting better and better, doesnt it?

Um yeah

Celeb Birthdays I guess:
Um, none from today or tomorrow at least none that fit the bill. However I did miss one special little boys birthday yesterday. A special boy who opened up his life to all of us. A boy who taught us about love, and survival in the harsh environment known as school. A boy who let us all in on the secrets of co-existing with an older brother, strict parents, and a principal who lived next door. Yes, im talking about none other than Corey Matthews, Ben Savage turns 26 today. I hope Tapanga is givin it good tonight.

100, yay (sorry, cant really capture the intense sarcasm and lack of enthusiasm on a screen)

So you think you can dance - Part 4

2006-09-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

June 23rd finally came around, a day that both Estaban and I had been waiting for. His last exam came on the 18th of June but he wanted a few days to prepare for what he knew was going to be a long season of a lot of hard work and dedication. It also didn’t help that the last school dance of the year was taking place only a couple of days after his last exam (which he aced, so he told me on several occasions) and he wanted some time in order to prepare for that special evenings events. Êstaban also wanted both of us to spend a few days preparing lessons because, as he learned on the road, if there is a method to the madness then it can be learned much more efficiently. Complete chaos would mean a lot of wasted time trying to figure out what goes next.

The way our schedule was going to work was that he was going to spend a week straight teaching me and the following week I was going to teach him. That way we would both be able to spend a week practicing what we had learned. I will spare you the specific details of what went on week after week, but I will say this, our relationship blossomed into more than just companions on the dancefloor, we became life dance partners, not in a sexual way, but through a great amount of respect and admiration for one another. Week in and week out we spent the days helping each other practice and perfect what we had set out to do. There were moments where he would stumble or I would stumble (more often me than him), and there were times when the level of frustration would be too overbearing, but neither of us ever even thought about quitting. We had both overcome much adversity in our lives and neither of us were prepared to give up so easily. Whenever there were moments of tension, we would just remind each other of the goals and how the benefits of only a couple of months worth of hard work and one sacrificed season would last forever.

And I kept up my part of the bargain or at least tried to. I didn’t see my sister alone that much during the season. Estaban spent a great deal of time at our house (we managed to convert the basement into a fairly professional looking dance studio) as we spent the entire afternoon and many evenings working at perfecting our craft. Most evening sessions went late into the wee hours of the morning and he would end up staying the night, sometimes leaving early in the morning sometimes staying for an early morning tap bonanza. Those few moments when I was able to see my sister alone, I made sure she knew how well her boyfriend was doing. Ambling by her, very deliberate and lethargic, talking about how much Estaban had worn me out from our all night sessions and how I had never had a dance partner as sensuous as he. I am sure on more than one occasion my sister wondered whether I was teaching him to dance or having a torrid love affair. Truth be told, the way she would get angry by my compliments, I am sure she wished it were the latter. And it wasn’t like I had to lie either as Estaban truly was able to pick up tap faster than any other student I have ever had. By the end of our two month intensive course, it was not much of a stretch to say that he became as good at tap as I. Once he realized the simplicity of the basics of tap, everything else was gravy. Tap, like most dance forms, only requires a small basic understanding, and a whole lot of rhythm and practice. And Estaban picked up the basics much quicker than I could, had more rhythm than the jackson 5 combined, and gave a 110% in everything he does. I clearly remember the last thing he said to me on our last day together. We were sharing a kokanee and he looked at me and said,

-Raheem?

-Yeah?

-I don’t think your sister is ever going to talk to me again. But it was worth it.

To Be Continued….

Complete Boredom

2006-09-08T20:29:00.000-07:00

Im sitting here on a Friday night with absolutely nothing to do (technically I had a couple of choices, but they werent very feasable nor economical), so I decided to write a blog.

I finally found a shampoo that, at least at first use, seems to be effective against the giant mosquito bite I call a head. Some Neutragena coal tar-dry ice-sulfuric acid loaded bleach substance that induced an immediate tingling sensation followed by an insane burning sensation mixed with an insane cooling feeling. Ouch I said to myself, I was supposed to keep it on my head for 3 to 5 minutes, but perhaps my paranoia got the better of me and as the burning-freezing sensation took hold of me, I panicked. Theres a first for me. I started breathing quicker, looking around for an escape (from what I dont know), desperate to escape from this sensation. Quickly I washed it off, but it wasnt going away. it burned, it was cold, it itches, it burned it was cold, it itches....I didnt know what to think or do at that point so I decided to retry and be a bit more of a man about the whole thing. So I drowned my head in this moon rock-esque substance and waited, waited for the feeling to take over. Sure enough it happened. Ow Ow Ow...but i still managed to keep it in my hair for a minute before i couldnt take it anymore. I dont know if it is the burning feeling that freaks me out or if it is the thought of the long term reprecussions providing that the burning feeling isnt supposed to happen. What happens if I wake up and im bald, or my head is one huge blister? It reminds me of an episode of the Dick Van Dyke show where Rob put some kind of oil on his hair and had a dream that he woke up and his head was made of cabbage. I dont want that. I have a hard enough time enticing women with somewhat normal hair, dont know how well I would fare if my head were a vegetable. Could be worse though. It could be some kind of meat dish. Because that would spoil if not refridgerated. And no amount of shampoo could wash the smell out of rotting flesh. Maybe not a casserole.

I need to have more or a niche for this blog. I see some of the more popular blogs and they all have something to offer. Some offer money management advice or web tips. Clearly though they are all in it for profit. Me on the other hand...well yeah if someone paid me to do this I would in a heartbeat, but for the most part this blog is for stupidity and how much idiocy i could spew into a page. But really, I wish I had a real niche. Something to make people passionately come back. My friend has a good blog over at www.areyoumywife.blogspot.com which isnt necessarily a useful tool in the game of life, but it is engaging enough to make someone want to come back.

I have mentioned my supply of "free" stuff given to me through my hotmail account, lets take a more recent look at what I have been given :
4 - 500$ gift cards to Abercrombie and Fitch
2 - 1000$ ikea gift cards
I was the only two finalists to win a porsche (both emails said me and one other person were in the running)
a combined 14 inches
3 year memberships to some gym
1 rolex
3 imported coffee makers and cup sets
and some botox

If anyone is looking for any of the above, please send me an email and maybe we could work out a deal

What birthdays did I miss, hmmm lets go back a week:
Sept 1st - The Great Gloria Estafan who was the real star behind Miami Vice
Sept 2nd - Linda Purl who you probably dont know but was in a movie with my sister, oh and Keanu Reeves who may very well be the biggest douche in acting
Sept 3rd - Wild Thing Rickie Vaughn, Charlie Sheen was whorin it up today
Sept 4th - Um, Damon Wayans who um, jeez he is uhhh NEXT
Sept 5th - Wow, another shitty day, i guess i didnt miss that much unless you consider one of those Zappa kids worthwhile.
Sept 6th - Yeah, thats better. First of all, David Allan Coe, who brough such memorable songs like Divers do it Deeper, Take this job and shove it and of course Paranoic Hippie hit the big 67. Speaking of rednecks, Jeff Foxworthy perhaps the biggest of em all is celebrating today too (what is dec 6th hitch up the woman night in texas?). Dont talk bad about women though to this next birthday celebrator - Wendi Freakin Richter. The unsung star of SPACEBALLS, michael Winslow who lost the creeps, the jeeps and the seeps, is 47. Killer.
Sept 7th - Back to shit (Corbin Bernsen? The only thing worth mentioning for him is that he is the second cast member of the movie Major League that I have mentioned. Can you name the other one?)
Sept 8th - Interesting, a whole lotta porn stars and one of the kids from the show Home Improvement. Coincidence? I think not.
Sept 9th - Adam Sandler is 40? Dude grow up already. Some guy named Akshay Kumar who makes me think of the love child of Ashton Kushner and that dude from the white castle movie. And Michael Buble who will always be a fad and a shitty performer in my mind.

Whew that took way too much time.

a head scratcher

2006-09-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

For some strange reason, being back in Montreal always leaves me scratching my head - literally. Every time I am here, the dryness of either the air or the water leaves my skin completely bone dry and I always seem to be scratching away. I'm like a dog with a reoccuring case of fleas that only make their presence known at certain times. Anyways, I hate scratching, I have probably scratched my head to the point where my scalp would make a good stunt double for Freddy Kreuger. Anyways, I thought you all should know.

Call me a war monger, but i miss not having a war to obsess over nowadays. Sure the political stalemates being created by the men and women hiding behind the curtains is a fascinating look at the blatant disregard for human life, but it still doesnt mesaure up to the constant level of blood thirst I have thanks to my trusty plethora of visual media constant stimulating my eyes and desensitizing my brain. I need my Anderson Cooper stationed behind enemy lines with Katyusha rockets lighting up the sky. I need to turn on Hannity and Colmes as they discuss how such a war in Lebanon or in Granada affects American interests. I crave Wolf Blitzer asking pre-selected and pre-arranged questions to specific interests where the answers are so rightfully and obviously biased based on the specific position of whomever the question is being posed to. In the middle of a war, I felt as if I had a specific role that made me feel important. In the midth of a war, everyone, no matter how involved or informed, always feels compelled to pick a side. IT is imperative to at least have some platform on which to stand on in regards to a war. Yet at the same time I was able to allow myself to completely tune out from reality and endulge in one of the worlds most guilty of guilty pleasures. In some ways, I felt like this at 9/11. Call me heartless, but I wanted more planes, more buildings, more deaths. Everyone enjoys seeing a car wreck (look up Dane Cook's delight in finally getting to witness someone getting hit by a car - freakin hilarious), and the whole 9/11 was a car wreck on a much grandeur scale. But none the less, it was no different. People dying and a complete fascination in watching exactly how much chaos unfolds. Anyways, please someone do something stupid soon, I'll take another Malvo Sniper case at worst, but thats just like having a snack while dinner is being made.

Football season officially opens tomorrow. Another sport that I can rely on in my bid towards using sports for 100% of my procrastination. More updates, more fantasy pools, more injury reports to waste time thumbing through. Right now I can tell if I am being genuine or sarcastic.

I'll be updating my story in the next few days, so keep an eye out.

Word.

Later i'll do some celeb b-days.

Heroin

2006-09-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

I would be a good heroin addict. I have tried every kind of drug in the book. I have tried; pot, mushrooms, acid, cocaine, crack cocaine, mescaline, crystal meth, ecstacy, elmers glue, some kind of animal tranquilizer, and while I am not very good at handling drugs (especially in my newfound state of constant anxiety and paranoia), I believe the best thing that would help me out now would be heroin. Now I am not one to condone the use of drugs, but everyone needs a break from reality now and then, a break of hallucinigenic and potentially catastrophic (but still fantastical) proportions.

This is not to say that I am going to go out and do this, but I can picture myself worn down by life, lying a urine stained mattress that happened to be included in the roach infested closet space that I happen to be renting out in some ghetto in the world (something out of trainspotting I guess). I wake up at 4 in the afternoon with a line of dried spit leaving crust from my lower lip to the bottom of my stubbly chin. The taste in my mouth will be some mysterious metallic substance with a hint of lime (for some reason) and one that I cannot seem to shake even though the only thing I tried is a stale warm glass of water sitting on the floor that leaves an even dryer taste in my mouth and a couple of cigarettes, which burn the back of my throat and burns my eyes as the smoke oozes out of my mouth because I dont have the energy to exhale. I wait an hour to wash the blur out of my eyes and the moment I do, the smell of reality and blandness take precedence. I search the room trying to cross off things on the mental checklist of things that have value in my apartment, and whether or not I sold them for more junk yet. After about 10 seconds of scowering, I look for the most important thing in my life, the rusted, bent spoon, next to the syringe and the small baggy of brown chunks. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible fucking dinner. Now all of my senses are focused on one thing. The taste in my mouth goes from stale to hunger, the smell is like breathlessness and fresh air at the same time, my ears that before feared the sound of silence now embraces its beautiful lullaby, my eyes return to their blurry state but now I can see more clearly than ever. And the touch...the touch is both numbing and sensationalized. All of my senses have contradictary responses; the angels fighting the demons, the right and the wrong, the darkness and the light. The response is an overwhelming sense of confusion and complete serenity. Perhaps this eternal struggle is what leads all of us. We are always conflicted with opposite emotions, but normally a person has the ability to keep one in check. For every action there is a reaction. Any motion, thought, idea, movement, there are an infinite number of emotions that one could feel, it is just a matter of finding the one that best matches with the situation at hand. In my current condition, Every motion, whether physical or mental, is met by two completely contrary emotions. I am able to see the good and the bad in everything. I am confused because I have deprogrammed the expected emotions. The actions still have a reaction, however these reactions are foreign. And now I lie there on the flimsy mattress on my floor staring up at the ceiling trying to determine if this particular waterstain looks more like a scultpure by ManRay or the universal symbol for abuse (if there is one, it could just be my subconscious sending me discrete warning signs). I do not know what to feel about this waterstain. I was indifferent to it when sober, yet now feel a plethora of emotions pertaining to it. It is beautiful yet hideous. It is the result of destruction reminiscient of a battleworn building, but it is also created by the key to life and one of the potential of nature. This rush is almost too much for me to handle and my sensory circuitboard overloads and I shutdown. I feel as if I were determining the proper emotion towards this for hours, maybe days, but in reality the entire episode was no longer than 15 seconds. In this 15 seconds I experience more feelings than in a full year of sobriety; fear, love, beauty, intimidation, envy, anger, confusion, acceptance, understanding, relief, frustration, anticipation, anxiety...the list goes on and on.

And then I pass out.

The day is done.

I have survived yet again.

Tomorrow I have to get some money so I can decipher the waterstain. I have done this 54 days in a row. When I am not high, I completely forget the stain is there, even though it is constantly fixating itself upon me as I sleep. It is my guardian angel, my lifelong companion, my everlasting reason to find my sanity when I start to lose my grip. One day the stain will be fixed. The beauty of blemish will be removed at the request of the next junky that moves on. That is their loss.

I have no idea where I was going with this

Illegitemacy

2006-08-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

Weird, ive gotten a bunch of phone calls from the Centre of Excellence for child Welfare. I wonder what that means? None of my children are on welfare (at least not the ones I know about), and none of my kids are excellent. Maybe they are calling just to rub it in. I imagine their phone calls to go as such:

Me: Hello?

Them: Yes, is this Mr. Shakur? Father of (blank), (blank), (blank) and (blank)?

Me: WHO?

Them: Um, are they your children?

Me: Oh yeah, what do you want?

Them: We are just calling to remind you of how unexcellent your children are. In fact they are so unexcellent that they will never be eligable for Welfare should they decide to apply.

Me: Lady, I got my own problems, them little brats can take care of themselves. Besides, when they are old enough, they better be making enough to take care of me. Aint no way they gonna pay for my broke ass if they on welfare.

Click

On another note, when did I become so ghetto? Shows you how racist I can be. The moment i talk about illegitimate kids, my vernacular turns black.

So you think you can dance - part 3

2006-08-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

What also helped was the fact that this casual agreement came right on the cusp of summer and both of us had this unspoken bond of wanting to accomplish something during the time off. It was also fortunate that our goals coincided with what the other had to offer. He wanted to learn the only skill I had to offer while I wanted to learn everything else, and he happened to be knowledgeable in some of that everything else. And the timing could not have been better. I was already basking in the glory of vacation while he only had a couple of exams left before he could finally succumb to the pleasures of summer, although in our cases there wasn’t a lot of fun to be had. It was a summer of hard work with the result hopefully leading to something much more satisfying than whatever the two months off had to offer. He felt it was worth giving up the time in order to piss off someone close to him. I, on the other hand, had even more superficial reasons for making such a sacrifice – I wanted an opportunity to prove my worth in dance form, especially for when I make the transition to high school. And lets be honest, I was not going to win over anyone with my stellar tap dance routines. Kind of like making the adjustment from the minors to the big show, because of my ability to bunt – it’s a skill, but no one is gonna pay to watch it.

Because Estaban and I had spent a lot of time together, he had no problems in telling me everything about high school and some of the keys to succeeding socially. And of all of his stories, at least half of them had something to do with something that happened at a school dance. He told me how he remembers his first high school dance and how the only people that made any real attempt at dancing were pretty damn good while those who clearly looked as if they had no clue just stood off to the side and blended into the background. What I got from that is that cool people dance, losers watch. Estaban learned a lot about this specific age group from his days on tour and he gave me one of the most obvious yet valuable pieces of info about high school kids that helped me throughout my entire high school tenure – kids are extremely dependent on how others perceive them to be (well, he didn’t quite use such eloquent terminology. I believe his words were no one wants to look like a friggin moron in front of everyone else). He would tell me how it was always the popular kids who knew how to dance, while it was the dorky ones who just went for the punch while secretly ogling the girls. I always knew that if I was gonna get anything out of my 5 years of high school, it was gonna be popularity. Who really gives a fuck about knowledge when you are in your early teens? High school is more about teaching you how to survive and more importantly how to thrive amongst your fellow peers. And if I wanted that to happen I was gonna have to make an immediate impression. Besides, if I was able to sell myself at these dances, well just imagine would kind of business that would drum up? Not only would I no longer be limited to teaching tap, which isn’t exactly a big hit with the young crowd nowadays, but if everyone were able to see me do what I know I am capable of doing, then they will be practically kicking down my door just for the opportunity to have 10 minutes with me.

I told Estaban of these hopes and dreams and he seemed genuine in his excitement to see me become everything I hope to become. He also told me that if everything worked out and business does pick up, he would love the opportunity to work with me. He already had the credentials and would certainly bring in a broader clientele base. However first things first…I had to teach him how to Tap.

To Be Continued....

So you think you can dance - part 2

2006-08-29T01:48:00.000-07:00

I remember one day trying to teach my sister the basics of the Pierrefonds Pop n Lock, however she seemed to be lacking in what us pros call rhythm. For some reason I found this quite strange considering how passionate she is about music (only later in life did I find out she suffered from Refractiologism – a very rare disease in which the muscles in your body do the opposite of what the brain tells them to do). Our infrequent and usually short, tense sessions would go something like this:

You suck and you have no rhythm.

Yeah well you’re an asshole. I quit.

And by then one of us would end up stomping off to our room while the other would walk around the house triumphantly, as if they had won the mini battle of having the freedom to roam anywhere they wanted except for that one room where the other had stormed off to. And usually that one triumphant person would act very indifferent about the incident even though in the back of their mind, it would be eating them up inside. This internal aggravation would be caused by either the idiocy of how quickly the argument escalated or the ignorance of the other person.

Getting back to Estaban, he was my sister’s boyfriend for a brief period of time and was a fairly quiet and reserved young man. His persona was quite a contrast to my sisters outgoing, oblivious and ambitious sense of self and I think he felt threatened by that. Even though they were both young, their relationship was heavily influenced by their desire to act like adults. My sister, seeing as she was older, took the onus of being the one who should set a good precedence and serve as a good, responsible role model, and the only way to do so would be to act years beyond her actual age. Estaban had the competence of someone you would expect at his age, yet felt it was necessary to at least try to mimic my sister’s attempt at maturity. Thus, they ended up having adult problems on a regular basis. With Estaban, he was constantly being told of his inadequacies and inferiority and that he was not as polished and refined as my sister. And she let him know that, always telling him how he will never be ready to commit to a serious relationship or will never be capable of taking care of kids. And he would shoot back by criticizing her need to nag him all the time and that if she wasn’t careful he was going to pack up and leave (even though he didn’t live there).

Even though he was a couple of years older than me, we spent a lot of time together. I loved hanging out with someone already in high school and he needed an outlet for his anger and frustration. I was basically his opportunity to vent while he was my crystal ball for what to expect in the future. He would always tell me how his one want right now was to be able to do something my sister had never been able to and I made mention of her inability at mastering the art of Tap. I knew for a fact that Estaban was a pretty good dancer when it came to the more hip and urban moves because he had previously been in Boxers not Briefs, a local boy band that momentarily hit it big in the midst of the whole boy band craze. You may remember them for the hit Don’t snap my undies,, a song that was geared more towards the youngish crowd as opposed to the normal audience of boy bands alike. Anyways, they were known more for their vastly superior dance moves than their musical abilities and sure enough, as quickly as their rise to fame, so too was their drop. After the release of their second album was met with abysmal sales, Estaban decided that at the age of 12, he was too old to be living with a rock n roll fantasy and decided, to his parents delight, to re-enroll in high school, which is where he met my sister. So the moment I made mention of my sisters two left feet syndrome he immediately took me up on my offer to teach him tap in exchange for his training me in every other form of dance known to man (or at least known to him). For him, he didn’t mind spending all his free time with me so long as I made it perfectly clear in front of my sister how well he was learning and how I had never had a student progress as quickly as he. And of course I really didn’t mind devoting all my time to him as opposed to everyone else that I teach because very few of them actually did pay and those that didn’t had nothing on Estaban as far as dance skills go. Besides, no amount of money would have been worth giving up the opportunity to see my sister get so infuriated. It wasn’t those moments in which she made it obvious that she was upset that made it worth it, it was those moments where she tried admirably to make it seem as if she was proud of him. Her face would let off a nice reddish hue and you could hear her grind her teeth in the next house over as she put on just about the fakest little smile worthy of belonging at the Miss America pageant. And just because I could, I would take it just a tad too far to the point where she could no longer stand it and would tell me enough already. Call it a little bit of sibling rivalry.

To be Continued…….

Boredom....

2006-08-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am bored....plain and simple. I seriously have nothing to do. I walk, I scope out old areas of Montreal that I used to frequent when I lived here, but it all seems kind of redundant in coming back to locations that never really gave me all that much enjoyment in the first place. Oh look, check it out, I used to eat at this Harverys all the time and this exact spot in the corner of the Metro station, I must have peed here like a dozen times while stumbling somewhere drunk. It all just seems so tedious and pointless.

Britney Spears.... oh we hardly knew ya

Paris Hilton....so you have an album out now, eh? Word of advice, stick to film. You look so much prettier when your mouth is full.

Goddam I wanted the Trailer Park Boys movie to have come out by now. I am afraid that by the time it does hit theatres (Which is NOW scheduled for October 16 after an original release expectation of May something) I will no longer be living in this fine country. My plan right now is to head down to some small town in Maine, Vermont or New Hampshire, basically somewhere isolated from the rest of North America. The point is that these small towns wont exactly be the lands of movies both domestic and international. So basically, I wont have any chance to see TPB in theatres.

What ever happened to my once flourishing dancing career? I was by far and away the greatest dancer to ever come through the West Island. I remember one particular grade 7 dance where I really left my mark as a supreme dance artiste if you will. Our school was both socially and racially segregated. There was quite a large contingent of Black students, black stereotypical students who walked the walk, talked the talk and more importantly danced the dance. At the same time socially, the jocks hung out with other jocks, outcasts with fellow delinquents, skaters amongst the roller freaks and of course everyone else just struggled to survive in the most important years of a childs social development. When grade 7 came around I was a small fish in a large pond. Having lost both my parents to a tragic jai lai accident, my sister and I were left to take care of ourselves even though she was only a couple of years older. However, we thrived in our little environment, making the best of what we had. She worked various nigh jobs to pay for her portion while I taught tap dance. As expected from many of the kids of the inner city portion of Dollard Des Ormeaux, very few actually had enough money to pay for my invaluable lessons. Their compensation was role reversal in that I learned many of the more urban dance moves like the Big Slick Pierrefonds Shuffle and the Lapa-Rockland which is basically the running man mixed in partially with the robot partially with a fake epileptic seizure. I had always been extremely passionate about dancing ever since I went with my mother as she competed at the 73rd annual Tuskanee Dance fever competition. She may have finished out the running ( a more than respectable 13th out of more than 800 competitors), however from that fateful moment on, I was 100% inspired. I saw the pride bursting from her as she completed a triple toe loop double sow-cow after pulling a headspin for more than 30 seconds, it was magical. The judges seemed to agree, however, it is next to impossible to compete against performers who actually have the power to defy logic and gravity. Regardless of where she finished, I knew from that moment that my place in life involved gettin funky. However, seeing as I have been working in the job market since I was 7, I havent had very much time to perfect my skills. So when the opportunity arises to play the role of student as opposed to the role of teacher, I jump at it. Anyways, I felt it was my duty to keep this little dance exchange quiet from my sister because we were both equally responsible for maintaining the economic balance in the household, yet I wasnt really pulling my weight. Besides, I didnt want to deal with the ridicule of giving away my skills for free (my sisters thought process was more financially driven than mine). So this exchange went on for more than a year but it wasnt until I met Esteban that I trully understood the value of my talents....

TO BE CONTINUED....

Wow, dont know where that came from.

Celeb Birthdays...sigh, River Phoenix, star of such classic films as Stand by me and A night in the life of Jimmy Reardon would have been 36 today. He was like the edgier version of Christian Slater and was probably destined for much bigger things than people realize had he not junked himself out (apparently his whole family was cult-crazy as well). Oh Shelly Long, AKA Diane on Cheers is 57. Honestly, I dont know what Sam saw in her, he got so many babes that blew Diane away, yet he became completely enormed with her. He should have stayed strong on the sauce.

later

SOAP

2006-08-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, got my tickets to see what is already being hailed as the greatest movie of all time, a movie whos catch phrase is simply oozes so much awesomeness that it could potentially singlehandedly cure cancer AND prove the existence of God. Only one movie and while we are at it, only one man can spew such wickedness like - I dont wanna see no mother fuckin snakes on no mother fuckin plane! -. The man is Samuel L. Jackson, and of course the movie is Snakes On A Plane, and I can honestly say I have never EVER been as giddy about seeing this movie as I am right now. It is one of those movies that have had the nerd community abuzz for months, years if you will, but not in the typical nerdy way...this movie is so bad it is good. And it is also, from what i have read and been told by friends, the kind of movie you need to be in a packed theatre for. The audience feeds off the movie, while, unexplicably, the movie feeds off the audience. I havent seen it yet and seriously, I can honestly say it is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

As for me and my life, I am going to try and go back to my original goal for this blog and try to distance it from my real life bullshit (I have a new anonymous blog for that). No more drama, no more moaning and complaining, now its nothing but old fashioned senseless observations mixed in with the occassional update on my life.

Went back to the gym today with Ryan, well a different gym. I dont miss it. Thought I would, but frankly my laziness took a turn for the physical.

What if the real world were actually filled with Transformers, but they havent exposed themselves to the world yet? Imagine a day before the movie comes out, they all decide that today is the day. I would like a pet transformer guitar. That would be awesome. What other cool kind of transformer pets would there be? Im thinking, a transformer coffee maker, a transformer nintendo (the oldshool one) and hell, while we are at it, a transformer gameboy (again the old school one). Every time you plus it in, its like jamming a plug up their ass. Oh, a transformer cel phone would be pretty wicked too.

Is there anything tastier on a hot day than Mint Chip Ice Cream? Didnt think so

Be still my beating heart. After watching obsessively over the summer, all my DVD prayers have been answered. The first season of Beverly Hills 90210 is FINALLY being released on DVD in November. Clearly its gonna be christmas in Novemeber.

Celeb Birthday time...yes Im back to that and I picked a pretty good day to return. First off, Jonathan Frakes is 54. While that name may not sound familiar, he goes by another name - he also goes by the name William Riker. Still not familiar? Well he also goes by the name NUMBAH 2 (or the way Jean Luc Picard would say it). If you still dont know then it doesnt matter. Also, Uncle Jesse Kostapholous, John Stamos is 43. Ohhhhhh have mercy. And the future of No Limit, Lil Romeo (AKA Master P Jr.) is 17. Aint so lil no more.

Warped Tour

2006-08-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah...had a chance to go check out the last warped tour of the year and must say, it had its good points and its bad. First the good:

1) Valient Thorr!!!! Plain and simple the best fucking rock n roll band currently on the planet. I can safetly say that there were no other lead singers who jumped off the top amp into the crowd. Straight up rock that made all those emo bands sound like even bigger pussies than they really are. Sparse crowd to start but it sure as hell picked up as the set progressed. Its just too bad that each band only gets half and hour. Fortunately speaking to the band they are planning on a massive North American tour in the fall and as far as I know, my plans surround a little trip to Hollywood on New Years at the famous Viper Room. Sure I can get down there pro bono, I mean how hard could it be?

2) Joan Jett... wow she impressed the hell out of me. I didnt really no what to expect because frankly, outside of My Reputation and I love Rock N Roll, I knew nothing about her or her music. Well, since she is from the land of punk, New York, I should have known that I was in for a treat. I always wondered how she managed to get a spot on this tour, but now I know. The crowd seemed very into it too, thankfully keeping away the whiny emo brats for a good half an hour.

3) NOFX....still know how to keep the crowd entertained. I cant say enough good things about the masters of the pop punk scene at the moment. The best part was leaving half way through the set to the pool next door and just chillin out in the water as NOFX blasts out hits like Linolium. Way better than suffering through the mosh pit in the middle of a gigantic sand box. I couldnt tell what was smoke and what was sand being kicked up. Apparently we werent the only ones impressed as they were clearly the band most everyone went to see.

4) As I mentioned the pool. After walking around through the sand in the hot weather, I dont think there was anything anyone could have recommended that would have been better.

But of course, with the good comes the bad.

1) The kiddies...I dunno, maybe im just gettin too old for this shit, but goin to a festival where the average age is 16 makes me feel old. Hell, now i know how Joan Jett must have felt. What is really scary is that when I went to my first warped tour 10 years ago, most of those that were there this year were no older than 4 or 5.

2) All of the other bands except for the ones that I mentioned above...Why the hell did Emo become so popular? I just dont get it. When I went all those years ago, it was straight up punk (at the least the punk of a new generation). Bands like Down By Law, Rancid and pennywise ruled the day and anything with less than fast drumming and juvinile lyrics was simply unacceptable. Now, and maybe it is just the weak line-up (im hoping), there was far more crap than anything. I mean bands like thursday, Motion Shitty Soundtrack and Rise against all sound the same and that is in no way meant as a compliment. What really cracks me up is that they all whine and complain with no reason to. Rich white folks from the suburbs moaning about how terrible the world and their lives are. Boo fuckin hoo....cry me a river. I wish I had the rsources to be sad like these poor pathetic bastards. And, for some unexplainable reason, the fans eat it up and preach the same pathetic bullshit, which leads to....

3) Rich, whiny suburbanites...very little irks me as much as all those little punk wannabes complaining about how miserable their lives are. The very same kidies prancing around in 700 bucks worht of clothing bought by the happy family they live with. Whiny 15 year olds who have absolutely no clue as to how rough the world really is. These brats are so sheltered in their little conservative society yet for some reason they feel it is necessary to rebel against the very society that they will learn to embrace as they get older. I know I shouldnt be ragging on these kids because they are exactly that - kids. I was the same way so I am just be hypocritical. But At least when I was going through my rebellious punk stage, the music I listened to had more of a message, a cause that was more beneficial to the world than to the bands bank account. Plus, I never went out and spent a couple of hundred on a pair of shoes and a 50 dollar t-shirt while proclaiming how straight up street I can be.

4) Emo music...yeah i know I complained about the kids and I complained about the bands, but now I wanna gripe about the scene in general. How can anyone listen to this garbage? It is blatant exploitation of a kids desire to be everything a parent doesnt want them to be. None of the crap that these bands spew out is believable and I am sure that the bands laugh all the way to the bank everytime they hear about how the children are connecting with their message.

There is a bunch of other crap I could write about like the security, the litter, or the beer (and the fact that they sold it there), but I wanted to keep it short n sweet.

Bleh......

regrets

2006-08-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well for some stupid reason, I made my way eastward to Montreal. Didn't want to come here, didn't want to return to the place I abandoned in the first place, but unfortunately my complete isolation from the world along with my unwillingness to pretty much do anything productive in my life forced me to come back. I knew exactly what was going to happen when I returned; I would expect some kind of support from those that I grew up with whether it via friends or family only to find out that, for me, location is irrelevent. Well, it's true, just like I was miserable in Vancouver, just like I was miserable in San Francisco, the same now applies to the place I spent most of my life calling home. Alone, depressed, hopeless and looking for a way out. The worst thing about montreal being grouped with the others is that it had the best chance of getting me out of my misery. But in fact, the opposite applied. I have nothing out here, no support whatsoever. The same insecurities, the same lack of friends, just the same bullshit. It follows me wherever I go. I know now just like I knew before I left, hell even before I went to San Francisco - that coming back her was going to be a huge mistake. I feel like a boxer who gets beaten up very early in the roung to the point where they can't take any more abuse. But the only way to stop the abuse is to tell the ref that you quit. You don't want to take the loss but you are tired of the physical and emotional beating you take every second after. And it's all to no avail because you're still going to lose the fight, you're just prolonging the agony. I turn 29 today, and while part of me wishes that I was turning younger to right all the wrongs as well as take advantage of the youth that I seemed to neglect, a rapidly growing part of me wishes I was turning 100 so I can just fast forward through the next 70 years that I unfortunately already know will be wasted in spectacular fashion. It's weird how when looking back time really does fly, but in the moment, the seconds drift by at a snail's pace. I found myself staring blankly at the clock today trying to force the minutes to go faster so this day can end. People always question why I hate birthdays and I will tell you why - it's because birthdays signify what kind of mark you have made on the people you cross paths with in your life. And in my case, it's pretty clear that for the most part I am as irrelevent to the world as an ant. It is an even more difficult pill to swallow considering that I am in Montreal, where I spent the first 20 years of my life. It's a feeling I hope no one ever has to experience.

Still desperate for any ideas of places to go to. The sooner the better. My goal at this point is to be completely disassociated from everything related to the past 29 years of my life. Friends, family, locations, heck even life experience...I want it all to be permanently erased from my memory. Starting fresh is the only option for me at this point for two reasons. a) it lets me escape the expectations put on myself, and b) it will liberate me from the knowledge that I will always be the friend, son, brother, relative, associate, that they hope you never became. If I end up a homeless drifter on the street which, I hate to say, has a very good probability of happening, I don't need the extra burden of others feeling saddened by it. Let's face it, most "bums" do not come from broken or disfunctional families. In fact, I believe the opposite is true. They come from happy families but just happen to fall into a deep dark pit. Can I climb out of this pit, maybe, i'll never know. Do I want to? Not really...I know me well enough that no matter how well things are in my life I will never be happy. The more depressed someone gets the more unrealistic their expectations get. Right now my expectations got so high that I no longer have expectations. I understand who I am and what I will never be. So go ahead, call me a whiner, send me messages telling me to quit being a baby. Frankly I don't listen to any of you anyways. It is one of the few things that puts a smile on my face.

ummm....

2006-07-29T20:22:00.001-07:00

Not sure why I'm writing a blog right now. Maybe I just wanna seem cool by having a constantly updated blog. Maybe I just wanna keep the few consistent readers that I have by giving them something to read on a regular basis. Maybe i'm just bored and for the first time since i've been out here I don't feel like drinking (which I'm probably going to end up doing in about 45 minutes anyways). Sad way to end my tenure in the Bay area but fitting nonetheless. Drinking was my true salvation out here and if I ever hear anyone talk bad about alcohol then I will set them straight. Seriously, out of everything in San Fran, my bar and the people there are going to be the only thing I miss. That place was a sanctuary for me. Never caused me any stress, never made me feel insecure, never made me feel like an outsider. Unfortunately I can't say that for anything else outside of that little spot on Grant Street. Inside those walls I was a king. I was introduced to and by many people with people coming into the bar, slapping me on the back and asking how my week or day has been. People I enjoyed playing poker with, surfing with and especially drinkign with. A place where my money (when I had any) was no good and the drinks were alway flowing freely.

So what does that say? Some would assume me to be a bonafide alcoholic simply based around the fact that the one thing i'm going to miss from a two month expedition is a bar. I look at it differently though. They treated me good there. I needed a place where I was able to be the racist asshole that so many of my past acquaintances are familiar with. It wasn't just about the booze, although it is true that I have never gone to that place without downing at least a couple. It's a place where I could forget about all the shit happening in reality-land. Reality sucks, a beer-influenced reality is so much more pleasing to the senses. Alcohol makes the uncomfortable comfortable, which was very needed considering the circumstances of the people around me.

Well it's official. I now have debt in all faucets of my life. I know i was in debt before, but now I have an overdraft at my bank for about 400 bucks. Impressive! Even with my avings account I still manage to owe a pretty penny. Poor Royal bank though, thinking that I'll actually pay that. Good luck when they, along with all the other creditors come looking for me when i'm long gone. Suckers. It's funny, the whole debt thing used to bother me, but the more I realized and have become comfortable with the idea of living the life of a bum, the funnier I find the whole situation. Seriously though I feel like the heavyweight champion of the world, and all those i'm in debt to are contenders all licking their chops to get their shot at some kind of redemption. Just interested to see how i'm going to survive from here on in. I guess this will be my ultimate test in whether or not i am capable of living that kind of homeless life.

Like I said, they won't be able to find me. That's because, truth be told, I don't know where I'm going to be. Everyone assumes me to be going to Vancouver but really, I don't want to go there. I have nothing for me there That city is dead to me. At this point in time, that place is just a bunch of bad memories of my past life. If I had the choice, I would erase the memory of all the people I met along the way, start out blank. Nothing against any of them, they are just people that will not be included in the rest of my life. Once I figure out where I'm going, this blog will be abandoned. No point in giving people the luxury of reading up on me.

The only other thing i'm truly going to miss from this trip is my daily fix of Beverly Hills 90210. It's amazing how addicted I got to that show in the short time I was here. It was like David when he was on Meth, Brandon with gambling or Dylan and his addiction to booze, coke and heroin. And the worst part is, the way it is going to be left off for me is with Kelly and some Dyke trapped in a burning house where Steve and Griffin were throwing a Rave for Keg house. There' a couple of episodes on the weekend but they are from later seasons. And really, it's just not the same without Dylan, or that jap bitch Andrea.

Celebrity Birthday time: WIL WHEATON....the ultimate geek is thirty-something, I don't give a shit about him.

Anyways, this will probably be my last blog for a while seeing as how I don't know how much of a chance I'll have to use a computer.

No big goodbyes, just wish me luck, or pray for me, or some gay shit like that.

So much for my editing jobs

2006-07-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

I was looking back on a few of my recent posts and I'm starting to realize that the quality of said posts have gone significantly downhill. Not only is there no creativity in word choice or just the way my points are phrased, but the simple grammatical errors have significantly increased. There are numerous times where I have read lines that made absolutely no sense to me. I wonder if anyone out there reads my posts, gets really intosome of the crap that I am spewing only to get frustrated by the nonsensicality caused by my apparent unwillingness to go over what I have written. I know I made mention of this in a post already stating how I don't even see the point in going back and reading what I have written because it'll just remind me of how depressed I am, but that was then. Now, i'm just writing sheer studity usually having nothing to do with what is happening in my life. So my only excuse for not doing any kind of editing is based primarily on laziness. Thank god I don't put down this lowly little blog on my resume! Having a potential employer read this blog is like spelling my name wrong on a CV - it's instant rejection (unless I'm applying for a job that insists on lousy editing habits).

It's not hot out anymore, now I have even less reason to leave the house. Nothign worse than knowing i'm wasting my last few days in the area. What's worse is that I've already made plans for all next week with people out here.

I'm not going back to Vancouver I decided. I may take the flight back but I have no desire to walk out of the airport. Any suggestions?

Why the hell didn't anyone tell me that yesterday was Sandra Bullock's birthday?? I didn't even get her a card.

Surfs up

2006-07-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I decide to go out with a couple of friends down to a place called Baker's Beach (clothing optional I may add. Time to let the flea bites be free and one with the world) for a little surfing. I've only gone surfing a few times in my life and the people that I did go with happened to be novices in the field of standing on water so I was a little worried about being the one slowing them down. Not that I usually care about stuff like that but when you're hanging out with people who also happen to own bars around the Bay area, you tend to want to make a decent impression. It didn't help that I don't have my own board, but fortunately surfers who own their own drinking establishments can afford to have several. The one I got to use was a Robert August "what I ride" board which, realy doesn't mean much to me but is apparently something the owner of the board is impressed by. So we go down at about 9 in the morning which was pretty surprising considering we were all drinking until about 2 in the morning the night before. However, and maybe becuase it was so hot so early in the day, it made it easier to get up at the crack of dawn.

So we're down there, the beach was practically empty save for a few beach bums, early risers and fellow surfers looking to take advantage of an empty ocean knowing full well that with this kind of weather it won't be long until every square inch of the water is occupied. There aren't too many hot spots for surfing down in the Bay area and even those few aren't anything to rave about. The waves go no higher than 5 maybe 6 feet so you shouldn't expect a lot of action. Or so I thought.

So we're all out on the waves doing our thing, you know being all gnarly and hanging ten and quoting all the other lame surfer/Spicoli phrases we could come up with. I'm holding it down as best as I could, basically doing what I can to not make a fool of myelf and it seems to be working until I take one particularly nasty fall. This fall wouldn't have been so bad however had the jellyfish not broken my fall. Let me tell you something, if you've ever been bitten by a jellyfish, you can sympathize with me the amount of pain I had to deal with at 10 in the morning. Normally the only thing i'm doing at that time is struggling to keep my eyes open while flipping channels in between Full House and The Cosby Show, but today I was trying not to break down and cry from having to deal with the world's most useless creature jamming its tentacles in the back of my leg (that sounds a lot worse than it really was). But I decided to tough it out. I took some time off from the waves and decided to just hang out on the beach and pray for the pain to subside, which it unfortunately didn't. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin the rest of the day for the others so I just did what I could to prolong both their day and my agony.

After a while I decide to walk into the cold water just to see if I can maybe numb the pain. Sure enough I step right on a crab. Crunch!! While in the midth of crushing that poor thing, it managed to grab hold of my non-stung leg leaving a nasty gash. "Great", I said to myself, "what are the chances?". So now, i'm struggling to get through the water with one leg swollen and stung and the other sliced and diced. Needless to say that was the end of my day of surfing.

Fortunately the crew felt pretty bad about my bad luck (after an immense amount of laughing) and we called it a day. Apparently a sting doesn't constitute pity but a a nasty gash on the leg does. I guess it's true what they say - a picture says a thousand words. We still managed to get in a good 4 hours of surfing (well they did, my day was done after about 90 minutes). Besides, the beach was getting fairly packed by then. It was as if a couple of hundred people arrived for every degree it got hotter.

After getting all patched up, I met up with the crew for lunch and even though I'm not a seafood fan, the only thing I wanted for lunch was a crab salad. I may not have enjoyed the taste but I gotta admit, it was the most satisfying meal I've ever eaten. Too bad there was no jellyfish ice cream on the dessert menu.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

2006-07-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

Well, just what I need. While I have no official word but I have finally begun to put two and two together. The dog scratching all the time, me finding new bug bites all over my body, yes I can safely say that the mutt has fleas. Great. The two of us are scratching together. If I had known this before, I wouldn't have let her sleep on the couch with me. What makes matters worst is i'm finding bites in and worse on places that I don't want to have bites. I don't need to extra bumps thank you very much. Also, having company on the weekend didn't help either.

Went to a bbq up in Lo Gatos yesterday with said company. Fun for the first 10 minutes and then the heat set in. I have been to Mexico, I have been in the desert, I have spent many a summers in the Montreal humidity, but I can honestly say that never have I had the heat affect me like it did down South. I knew I was in trouble when i checked the weather for the day at it said it was going to be 44 celcius but will feel like 53 (which, for the Yank readers is 136. Well, it felt like it and my stomach felt it too. I felt awful. I tried to stay cool but couldn't do it. ICe cubes were melting on my skin and drying in record time. A buffet worth of quality food and I couldn't eat any of it because my stopping was doing it rendition of a dryer. Too bad, but the drive up with Jacqueline was nice. Next time someone decides to invite me to a bbq, better make damn sure it's not o hot. Sticking my hand out of the window during the drive made it feel like we were driving against a hair dryer. Ugh...

Well, guests are gone, time to start cleaning the place and getting rid of the insects. Stupid dog....

Burn in Hell

2006-07-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. For some reason, no matter how much time I spend in the sun, I can't seem to get any colour. I believe that I am destined to live the life of an albino forever. I swear I must stand out from all of the other Californian inhabitants because I am the only one who doesn't have that George Hamilton-esque tan. Today for example, I spend several hours at the beach (love the beaches out here, just a little boring to go alone), yet the best I could muster up is a moderate burn. I have one of those rare white sunburns where my skin still remains pale while I get all of the sensations of a burn. Talk about the best of both worlds! I would much rather have the embarrassment of walking the streets tomato red because at least I know once the burn is done and the peeling stops, I would have had at least some colour.

So technically i'm supposed to leave this city in something like 9 days which would bring my trip up to about 2 months. The problem is, I don't think I want to leave. It's not because I have so many fond memories of my time here, in fact it's quite the opposite. I , and that's if I leave, will be returning without accomplishing much of anything. I have so little to show from my time here. It particularly stings considering I came out here to start and establish a life. In fact my time here has probably regressed any positive way of thinking i may have had towards achieving these goals. I guess the next week or so will tell a lot as to whether or not I should be out here.

Beverly Hills 90210 update: Brenda has decided to stay in London while Valerie has moved in. Dylan is a drunk now that he lost his million in that family scam. Brandon and Kelly are officially a couple while Donna is having a hard time getting over David after David was caught shnogging Ariel. Fucking awesome show and so realistic too. I've figured out how the tivo thing works so now i don't have to waste 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon watching.

I have nothing else to say about the situation in Lebanon it's a digrace and everyday more non-muslim people are becoming aware of the tragedy. It's a shame our voices don't get heard. On the bright side, I found a place that sells yogurt covered pretzels so I guess the universe has a funny way of balancing itself out.

Big ups to Mr Frank Whaley for striking the big 43. Wow, he's old. That means when he did Career Opportunities, he was 28. So technically, i'm only a year behind Jim Dodge. Go me!

Take me out to the old ball lame.

2006-07-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

It's weird...people really love baseball down here. You see living in Canada all my life, and especially living in Montreal where baseball was further down the list (somewhere in between ice sculpting and mini-golf), I have a difficult time comprehending that a collective group of people can be so damn passionate about this sport. Don't get me wrong, I love the game as well. It may not be the most action-packed of sports and considering there's no salary cap, the salaries are astronomical which thus leads to a greater level of disparity amongst the teams. But, and maybe it has something to do with me being a lover of just about all sports (I'm the don juan of watching em), but there's some things about the game that separates it from the other major sports. The anticipation of knowing that a game can change dramatically with each and every pitch thrown. The importance of knowing where the fielders should stand and whether or not they should be guarding the line. I love watching great plays in the field and runners being sent home from third on a short single to left. Bottom line is I really do enjoy watching this sport, both on the tube but especially live. This is why on a whim I decided to go check out a giants game last night with a couple of buddies from my bar. As someone who has been spoiled by the beauty and history of the olympic stadium (sarcasm alert), it was definately a weird feeling going to a stadium as nice as AT&T Park (doesn't sound right, but i don't know what else to call it). First off, this stadium is completely outdoors and with the weather the Bay area has been having lately, it was simply perfect. The stadium overlooks the bay as i'm sure many of you may have seen watching Bonds home-run highlights. Sure the beer may have cost 8 bucks (I can get a 6 pack of Stella right next door for 11 bucks or get a crummy bud for almost the same price...sheesh) but it was all so relaxing that I can definately see myself taking in a few more out here before I leave, whenever that is. Hell, I may even go tomorrow night if i can find any takers. The game might have sucked-ass (10-1 for Milwaukee, like I really give a shit as to who won) but good friends, a few beers and a nice breeze coming in off the water on a 20 degree night was more than I could have asked for. Considering the ticket cost 8.50, it was the best 8.50 I've spent out here.

Anyways, my original point is that there is such a huge following out here. What kills me is that even though San Jose has one of the best teams in the NHL, no one really gives a shit about them. Hockey is't a big deal out here, which is really surprising when you consider that this state has 3 teams! More than any other state.

My favorite show finally started on ESPN out here - The contender. Fucking awesome season premiere but I must admit I am a little worried because I don't know if they're showing it in Canada. If I do leave here, how am I going to be able to watch it?

I'm gonna play some Kingdom Hearts. Later all.

Hmm....

2006-07-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

Interesting little fact that I learned. The president of Iran, one of the biggest oppressors of Israel is a holocaust denier. This was exposed actually late last year:

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Wednesday that the Holocaust was a myth, ramping up his rhetoric and triggering a fresh wave of international condemnation.

Last week Ahmadinejad first aired his doubts on the veracity of the Holocaust, in which six million Jews were killed by the Nazis. His comments drew a rebuke from the U.N. Security Council.

"They have fabricated a legend under the name 'Massacre of the Jews', and they hold it higher than God himself, religion itself and the prophets themselves," he told a crowd in the southeastern city of Zahedan on Wednesday.

The speech was broadcast live on state television.

European countries called the remarks unacceptable and said they could undermine plans for talks with Tehran on its controversial nuclear program.

The United States condemned the comments as outrageous while Israel said they showed Iran's "rogue regime" was acting outside acceptable international norms.

Ahmadinejad, a former Revolutionary Guardsman who was elected president in June, said in October Israel must be "wiped off the map," provoking a diplomatic storm and stoking fears about Iran's nuclear ambitions.

-------------------------------------------------

That's some scary shit. I'm really starting to believe that really deep deep down inside, no one NO ONE wants peace in the middle east. I know that may seem like an obvious statement considering the current destruction looming down in the area but think about it; Israel seems to prefer electing former war mongers and those who should be indicted on war criminal charges, Iran, well the holocaust thing, Palestine hires Hamas, an organization that has already stated its motive is the elimation of Israel and even Lebanon who has several members of the hezbolleh in parliament not to mention until recently a very pro-syrian government. Is it just a pissing contest now? If it all boils down to ego more than anything then this will never end because everyone knows that Jews and Muslims are alike and both are very proud but also very stubborn. Neither wants to look weak. I'm more like Rwanda. I let people come beat the shit out of me for a while, I talk a good game like i ain't gonna stand for it, but I end up letting em walk all over me.

Pirates of the Caribbean - one big fat long sneak preview for the third one. SPOILER ALERT: Johnny Depp can't play a normal person anymore. Let's see, he played a pirate, willy wonka, a pirate again(chocolat), a coke addict, Ed wood, Don Juan Demarco and someone who seems to have a little of all of those characters - Hunter S. Thompson.

I think my liver is finally shot from the immense amount of drinking I do. Not only do I get sharp pains when i start to drink, but it takes way less to get me drunk and the reprecussions seem to be getting more and more severe. Tack on needing a new liver to go along with a job, social life, direction etc. Right now though the liver is number one because with a liver I can at least drink to forget about my other problems.

I'm thinking of joining a group or something to kind of get some cardio excericse in. I've narrowed it down to boxing and breakdancing. If I can find a way to combine the two I would be invinsible. If I could combine those two with some kind of martial arts, I could be the next Jean Claude Van Damme. I already know my acting skills are better than his, not that that says very much.

I've missed a lot of good birthdays over the last few days so let me recap:

July 13th: Mr Jean Luc Picard himself Pahtrick Shteew-art hit, jesus, 66!!One half of one of the best teams in entertainment, Cheech himself is 60 and still gettin high. Lastly X-PAC is 34. Just the thought of him and Chyna together makes me shudder. I felt so dirty when I succumbed to watchign their video.

July 15th: The Body, say no more, is 55. As far as i'm concerned he stole the show in Predator. If you ask anyone who the coolest guy on 90210 is they would probably say Steve Sanders. But it's not his birthday. It's the birthday of the geekiest guy on 90210, the guy who just recently got over a problem with crank on the afternoon reruns, Brian Austin Green AKA David Silver is 33.

July 16th: The day of all days as far as i'm concerned. First of the lord of the birthdays is...the lord of the dance! Michael Flatley is still looking as gay as ever at the young age of 48. Wil Ferrell is ....boring. COREY FELDMAN on the other hand still rules and is still getting older, this time reaching 35.

I got some more stuff but i'll save it for tomorrow

CNN - Subjective?

2006-07-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

You know now that the war in the Middle East has started and escalated into something major, I have been tuned in intently to both CNN and Fox News just to get their "fair and balanced" opinions of this whole mess. While I am quite surprised at the objective reporting by Fox (really, they're not pointing blame in any direction, just stating what is happening without saying who needs to do what), I amvery disappointed with CNN's view. Constant promos being run claiming that this is now "Israel's War on Terror" and that they are only doing what is expected to be done after Haifa was bombed. There is very little mention of the intial Israeli attack on Beirut late last night. There is constant mention of Hezbolleh's supposed kidnapping of those two Israeli soldiers, yet there is little mention of the dozen's of Palestinian military officials nor of the unfair arrests of numerous Hezbolleh officials due to their connections to the terroist organization. Not to mention that the Israeli Soldiers were kidnapped outside of Israeli territory while the Israeli arrests happened on Muslim territory, which completely contradicts every statement that Bush made about Israel having the right to defend themselves.CNN has really dropped the ball on this whole situation and I am very disappointed as to their overtly right wing perspective. I now watch CNN primarily for humour, if there is humour to be found in this whole mess.

What do I think? Who do I think is to blame? Well, I try to keep myself fairly informed with what is happening over there whether with Iran, Syria, Turkey, Egypt, you name it, but I am starting to realize thatmost of the information I get from maor news outlets, I must be willing to take with a grain of salt. As to my original question, there is no one to blame. I have spoken to some Muslims that demand the death of Israel stating that they have gone too far (which they have) and I have spoke to some Jews who cite a growing dismay towards to bruatlity of Muslims (which is also true). In some ways, they are both right, however, one alarming thing I noticed about what everyone has said is that everyone pointed fingers towards a collective population or race. While most Israelis do support the occupation of land in Israel, most do probably agree that the Israeli Government has gone way too far with what the have done in Lebanon. Do you think all those in Haifa enjoy spending evenings in bomb shelters as bombs pour down on their heads.At the same time, and especially in Lebanon, most Lebanese do no support what Syria or what Hezbollah have done (at least not in the North). Imagine living along the damascus highway and being stranded with explosions surrounding you. Bottom line is that there are specific groups at war here, it is not, as is widely promoted to be, nation vs nation, religion vs religion.

So like I said, there is no point in putting blame on anyone. Playing the blame game has been happening in that area for hundreds of years and epitomizes the entire Israel/Palestinian crisis. Bottom line is that this will expand to greater and more apocalyptic actions from not just local fundamentalist groups but to what has been boiling over for decades. This is the beginning of the end and personally, I don't care what happens. I'm tired of hearing about it. Everyone has problems, it just seems the ongoing theme in both the US and especially the middle east is to blame your problems on your neighbours. All middle east countries should be like me. Depressed? Angry? Want to take your frustrations out on someone else? The Raheem way is to hide underneath a blanket, drink a beer and watch some Beverely Hills 90210.

Bottom line is I feel bad for Lebanon being in the position that they are in. This is not their fight. They have gone through this with Israel before and, from what I have been told, has done a good job rebuilding itself. But this is not their fight. This has become primarily a fight between the US and Iran, or at least this is what it will become. All Iran has wanted for the last 8 months is to be recognized as the primary power in that region and this is their opportunity to do so. Clearly the entire kidnapping by Hezbolleh was initiated by either Syria or Iran as Israel's response was clearly expected. This warzone is exactly what Ahmadinejad was hoping for and because of it, Lebanon pays the price.

EDIT: Ok, I was hasty at the top. I did not realize that the kidnapping of the two Israeli Soldiers was done through a cross-border raid. But that does not change my opinion, but it further raises curiosity as to why Hezbolleh would do such a thing if they weren't epecting some kind of massive retaliation by Israel. I am really beginning to believe that this was done for the purpose of inciting some kind of counter-action by Israel. I truly believe that there are some ulterior motives on the Islamic side. Lebanon is becoming the sacrificial lamb for what I predict will expand to something much bigger than we could ever have imagined. Being in the US doesn't give me a very secure feeling right about now.

Stuff to Think about....

2006-07-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinetics?...Raise my hand.
10. OK..so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapeno's'. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Band Camp

2006-07-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

I saw an ad on VH1 for a rock n roll fantasy camp, very similiar to the one homer went to on the Simpsons although the musicians at the real one aren't anywhere close to as profound as the ones on the show. I believe the most established musicians they had were like the the DJ for Gerardo and like the unofficial roadie for Steely Dan. Ok that's not true. Actually the real invites include some pretty cool guys including LEvon Helm from the Band, Dee Snider from Twisted Sister and Joe Satriani. Think about it, for a mere 8500 bucks, you too can jam with the likes of George Thoroughgood and Dickey Betts (bonus, camp counselors include Gunner Nelson, Mark Slaughter and Kip Winger!). While this cast doesn't compare with Tom Petty, Elvis Costello, Keith Richards, Mick Jagger et al, it is still a once in a lifetime opportunity. However, for close to 10 grand, I would want to be damn sure I got all the musicians I would want to be teaching me to be the best, uh, bongo player (???) I can be. So here is my list of the 10 living musicians I want at my rock n roll fantasy camp:

1) Les Claypool - That guy just seems like a bundle of fun yet at the same time is one of those guys that just has a bundle of knowledge and oodles of philosophical bullshit swimming around in that head of his. He would be the kind of guy you just stay up around a campfire and listen to him go off on all different tangents at 5 in the morning. Oh yeah, the guy is a pretty damn good basist too.

2) Willie Nelson - Although not anywhere close to as weird as Les, Willie is another guy you just wanna chat with at like 4 in the morning. He just seems like a super cool guy who just wants to talk shit and get high. He would be a fun guy to just jam with on guitar seeing as how even the most amateur of guitarists can strum along to his basic songs. I just hope he doesn't teach hair-braiding. That would be kinda gay.

3) Warren Haynes - Warren is the lead singer of the Southern Rock superband Govt Mule but has played with many other groups including the Allman Brothers and The Dead. He would be the kind of guy who would just start jamming out spontaneously in the middle of the day or night and you pretty much have no choice but to stand there in awe listening to him. He's got soul...and a healthy appetite. Make sure there's enough food if he does show up.

4) Levon Helm - OK, I agree with the real Fantasy camp's inclusion of one of the best drummers ever and a member of one of my favorite bands of all time. Levon....I don't think I really have to explain why LEvon should be there. His songs rule, and I could talk to him for hours about how much fun it was to film 'The Last Waltz"

5) Tommy Lee- Why? Because It's Tommy Lee.

6) Andy Cairns - Well they can't all be superstars now can they. Actually this is more of a personal choice as Andy is the lead singer of my favorite band of all time - Therapy?. Therapy? are an Irish band who's put out more than 10 albums, the last few primarily in Europe. These guys fucking rock and Andy just seems like a wicked guy to hang around. With the other people here though, chances are i'll be the only one hgning around with him.

7) Bob Weir - Yeah, it was only a matter of time before I mentioned someone from the Dead. Weir gets the nod for his work in Ratdog.

8) Ian Anderson - What would a band camp be without a flute instructor? I swear to God, if I were left alone at night with Ian and Les, I would be shitting bricks. Don't know why, both are just weird.

9) Rob Zombie - yeaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

10) Dr. Dre - it's good to have medical experience on site.

So that's my list. Does this mean these are my ten favorite musicians of all time? No, it just means that these guys would be fun to party with and learn from. I wanted to add so many more like Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, Tom Petty, Kid Rock and the Fat Boys, but since it was only ten, I had to hold off some.

So yeah, if there was a band camp that featured at least 7 of the following, I would be there, regardless. I don't care that I have no money, I would go. And then I would probably cry when it was over.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE COZ!!!! I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!

Jogging Rules

2006-07-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I went jogging just to get some air and let out some of my stress and anger via excercise. However, as I was jogging I began thinking and re-evaluating my life. The longer I ran the more I realized that I have nothing to fear but fear itself. I know i've said that before, but I also realized that actions speak louder than words, so I did something I never thought I would do before and something no one should ever do. I began to run in on-coming traffic.It may seem like a stupid thing to do but I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid any longer and that if I wanted to reach the level of happiness that I always wanted, then I need to force myself into believing that I am invincible, that nothing can phase me no matter how scary it may look in front of me.

So there I was, running along the embarcadero. Surprisingly the thing that took getting used to the most weren't the cars honking and swerving out of the way, but it was the people who stopped to watch my brush with death. I went from becoming invisible to a public spectacle. It may not have been the introduction to Bay area infamy that I originally planned on making, but it was definately a way to put myself on the map, whether daredevil or stupidity. As I am running, trying to be completely oblivious to both the people stopping, pointing and murmuring to each other and also the SUVs, sports cars and beaters driving in my direction I start to think to myself "wow, this is a really stupid idea!" But I refuse to quit and move over to the curb. I have gone too far to quit now. I was already both scared and humiliated but deep down inside I was also proud of myself for laying everything on the line to prove to myself that I can do anything I want, no matter how stupid it may be. After a while, my fear turned into an unfamiliar feeling, one that I couldn't really describe. Some may call it satisfaction, others may call it pride, I on the other hand, call a change in my life.

And then it happened...

I got clipped by a motorcycle. Apparently he was weaving in and out of traffic and wasn't really paying attention to the spectacle in the middle of the road and ran into me. It's not as bad as it sounds as he managed to slow down and swerve enough to just bump me in the hip. But he was going fast enough to knock me off my feet and let me
tell you, if you've ever been hit by any kind of vehicle, it hurts...a lot! But, the thing that bothered me the most was't the fact that I got hit by a freakin motorcycle. As I was lying there on the ground and there were cars stopped all around me and tons of people getting out of their cars and people from the curb rushing over to see if I was ok, I realized how much of an idiot I must have looked like. Here was this guy, lying down on the ground after purposely jogging in the middle of the street against on-coming traffic, what could I really say? So after about 10 minutes, I got up and continued running, although this time I opted to stick to the side of the road so I wouldn't, you know, be hit by any other hunks of metal going about 50 mph with a driver not paying attention to what is in front of their eyes. No thanks. I didn't realize how irresponsible some of the bay area drivers can be.

So as I'm jogging along, with people starring at me, I don't even look back, but I notice out of the corner of my eye that people are following me. I figured it was somebody who wanted information or just wanted to keep me around to explain to the authorities exactly why I was jogging against the flow of traffic. So I put my earphones on, pumped up the Avenged Sevenfold, and completely ignored anything that had just happened. After a few minutes, i get this weird feeling that i'm still being followed. I wondered why anyone would want to follow me after witnessing such a moment of stupidity, so I turn around and sure enough, there's a group of about 50 people jogging along with me in complete silence. I didn't know whether to laugh or run away in fear. I feltl like a prophet leading my people to the promised land....of jogging. Really, what do you do in a situation like that? I have never had any experience leading people and considering the situation, I didn't really know exactly what these people wanted from me. I mean what exactly did I do to warrent being some kind of a leader? So I just stop, I just turn around and stop. Everyone of the joggers behind me does the same (well they don't turn around, they just stop). They're all just silent, staring at me. It was way too surreal for me to handle. They weren't all joggers either. There were some in full business attire. So i'm just standing there and they're all looking back at me as if i'm supposed to say something profound and earth-shattering. So I take off my earphones and go...

"What!"

And that's all it was. I put on my earphones and continue jogging, a little trickle of blood dripping down my knee but not nearly enough to slow me down. My "followers" just sort of stand around, obviously disappointed in my harshness of reality but really, why the hell would they be following me? Because I went to the middle of the street and started jogging? BecauseI got hit by a motorcycle and continued my run? Big freakin' deal!

Interesting morning

Love Hurts

2006-07-09T15:15:00.000-07:00

I've had this pain in my body, in my chest, in my heart for as long as I can remember and I don't really know if it is a physical hurt or a mental one. It is a dull searing hurt not unlike that of burning shrapnel already embetted into my chest cavity without the initial pain from the penetration. It could very well be a physical pain brought forth by years of body abuse and neglect however I also know that this pain is primarily brought on by sentiments of depression, stress, regret, surrender or basically every negative emotion known to man. The depression and the stress are obvious to those who have been keeping up with this downwhirl spiral of a blog, however I feel it is my duty to explain the other two.

The regret has many different conotations in my mind. One is all of the things I have regretted in the short term but lately the regret that I have been feeling stems from what I guess you could call an early mid-life crisis (actually I guess it's not really early since I really don't plan on nor do I want to live past 50). This regret has more to do with what has already happened in life that can never happen again. I missed out on so much in my younger days. I was never the uber-popular kid in highschool nor was I any better in my university tenure. I was both neglected by my peers but also neglected by myself for not making the most of my youth, my innocence, but most importantly my time when I didn't have to deal with some of the more adult issues that are plaguing my now. Everyone and everything was so much more simpler and carefree and there was no such thing as "baggage" or "financial security". I missed out on a lot in my childhood and this is one of the things that I can never have back. The way I am thinking now, that was the only real time in my life that I had a chance to make my life content. I'm not just talking short-term I mean in the long-term as well. A better life at a younger age would have set the tone for who I become as I get older. I guess it's a little bit of soft-determinism. Some philosophers argue that the decisions we make in life are completely separate from one another. The paths we choose for ourselves are not contingent on past decisions but I am starting to realize the complete bullshit in that way of thinking. My life ended when I become void and isolated during the most important years for a child's social development. Since then, I have unsuccessfully tried to recreate what I never had and because of that, I am years behind the mentallity and maturity those my age. I am trying to live the life of a 17 year old while trying to survive as a 28 year old. And speaking from experience, this is impossible to do. It is one or the other. Do I want to neglect training myself to be socially comfortable or do I want to concentrate on future success as an adult? I want both...badly, but the next emotion that I listed forces me to work on neither.

Surrender...I know some people might not like what I have to say, but I can safely say I have surredered my life, my hopes, my dreams (whatever they were). I no longer want anything anymore. I want to fast forward my life until I get to the credits. I want to pull the tape out and destroy so no one will ever get a chance to see it again. But at the same time, I want everyone to see the tape as a kind of public awareness. The key to life is to do the opposite that I have done. I want to crawl out of my skin and slap myself for being so stubborn and self-conscious. I want to look myself in an insolated room and smoke cigarettes until my lungs are jet black and my teeth and fingers are as yellow as a yolk. I want to erase my name from the history book and pretend that there was no Raheem. I want to cut myself just to see what the blood of a coward looks like. But I also want to make the best of my life now, for perhaps every chapter in a person's life is a chance to atone for what was ignored in the past. In a book, each chapter is separate from one another as each tell its own story. However, they are all connected in that the same characters and storyline are apparent in each. But I'm tired of turning the pages. I no longer want to see how this story will end. At this point, it would be much more beneficial to me to close the book and take whatever value I could from what I have read. It is much better than continuing along while complaining the whole time to the people around me and to myself about the worthlessness of the story and how it doesn't go anywhere. So, I surrender my book. I have read many novels and regrettably finished them while questioning why. People are like books. Some works of literature have a good beginning, a good middle or a good ending. Very few have two of the three while it is extremely rare to be all three. Most books I have read with a lousy beginning, I have given the benefit of the doubt and will continue to read and most of the times they get better. This is my life. However, in this instance, the middle is worse than the beginning.

What will become of me? I don't know. A combination of isolation, loneliness and a lack of direction have made me ponder what it is I should be doing right now. I don't want to be anywhere but I don't really have a choice. Everyone has to be somewhere, don't they? I just want to be left alone in a gutter and never have to talk to anyone again. I don't want to see people being successful or enjoying life because I no longer care for the feelings of others. It's a strange feeling, this being a complete emotionless wreck. I feel bad for the people that have to know me because they now know that I don't give a shit about any of them. I want them all to wish illwill on me. I want everyone i know to secretely want me out of their life. I want to be forgotten by the people who claim will never forget me. Every time someone tells me they miss me or they love me or anything like that, It's just another dagger in my heart. I would feel better if someone for once just said to me, "would you please just fuck off?"

Wow, i'm a whiny bitch.

Wicked day for birthdays though. Start off with a complicated man who no one understands 'cept his woman. That' right, i'm talkin bout shaft, Richard Roundtree is 64 today. Also, the star of a`little movie called Gladiators, Brian Dennehy is 68. And it doesn't stop there, `the juice, OJ Simpson is 59. A few other good ones but by far the capper, is Mr. Kevin Arnold himself. The star of the most excellent movie The Wizard (with such lines like "yeah, well just keep your powerglove off of her"), Fred Savage is 30.

That's it, please don't leave any comments as I won't bother reading them.

End of the road.

2006-07-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, i think it's finally gotten to that point. I am officially flat broke. It was a good ride while it lasted, but now i have officially exhausted all of my available funds. No more impulse buys put on credit, no more stupid toys compulsively bought for no reason, hell no more late night drinking binges (wait...there's no way i'm crossing that off my list. If i'm gonna be a homeless alcoholic, I sure better be willing to drink!). So now what? Well, if I had a dollar for every time i asked myself that question, I wouldn't have to worry about debt. The answer still escapes me. I have had people offer places to stay for free and they always assume that, for the most part, is the answer to all my problems - a free place to stay, some meals, some moral support etc. Sure this may help with my issues for the present time, but it does nothing for my future. Sadly, there is no amount of help that can be given to me by others for the benefit of my future. I have nothing invested in my future, and with the amount of debt I have managed to accumulate, it will be a long long time before I can even start investing in my future. So I have decided to just stop caring. I've had a good run, some good memories, now i'm just gonna let nature take it's course. Wherever I end up will be in no way my doing. So if I stop writing blogs in the next little while, it's probably not because i'm dead, but instead it's because internet is not readily available in the gutters.

I'll keep you all posted as to when i'm gonna have my big firesale. I've already given away most of my possessions and if i'm gonna be roaming the streets for the rest of my life, i have to learn to pack light. Let's see my creditors catch me now!

More nonsensical thoughts on Yanks

2006-07-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

1) they sure do love their fireworks!

2) Old drunk guys really do air guitar to zeppelin and sometimes (if you're lucky!) Thin Lizzy

3) Apparently nothing beats cook outs on the roof with a spatula in one hand and a beer (preferably rolling rock or bud) in the other.

4) kids really do dress like rappers, talk like em too. I'm not talking about the blacks, I mean EVERYONE

5) As said on the Simpsons, there is no black or white, the only colour that counts is green. Everyone is money and status upset and that makes me sad. I don't know if it's an envy kind of sad or just a pessimistic observation on the shape of the world today. If financial status, look and personality didn't matter, I would be the world's most eligible bachelor.

Another Guilty Pleasure

2006-07-04T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today I had the luxury of going to 'Sizzler' for the first time in my life and I must say, this place manages to reach both end of the scale. In other words, this is the greatest AND the worst restaurant of all time. I won't bore anyone with details, all I can say is that it is restaurants like these that show why so many Americans are so obese. It's like I said to my sister, going to Sizzler is like going to as brothel. You go with great anticipation, and the moment the food is on the table (so to speak), you feel dirtier than ever before. And you know you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, but you already paid so you feel compelled. An entree "salad bar" if you want to call it that with everything from chicken wings and onion rings all the way up to tacos and various mexican platters. Oh yeah, there were some veggie for the whole salad thing, but honestly, judging by some of the people there it seems strictly for show to have the salad illusions.

Today is America's 230th birthday and really, I couldn't care less. So sue me.

Well i'm off to sleep, gotta wake up early enough to work off some of the shit I ate.

Late night TV

2006-07-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wish I could somehow transform my life into an infomercial in which I try to convince the world of my efficiency and potency by having everyone marvel at some of the past achievements in my life. I would start out with the standard image of me cutting a shoe with a knife or making a smoothie with carrots, grapefruits and said shoe, all while bashing my beloved audience by asking how come I have everything and they have nothing. Then, the usual mid-thirties blond chicana would come out and casually act completely clueless about whatever the hell it is i'm doing (yet for some reason, she would be absolutely amazed by how effortless it is for me to slice a sneaker in half). I would fill her in with very small words and wait a good 15 minutes so that the information fully absorbs into her head and would then proceed to remind her of the benefits of my life via constant flashbacks of my successes as well as through non-stop experiements. I will tell her (and the audience) how successful I am because I have an art degree and a huge debt to show for it, and they will all applaude and murmur amongst each other in an approving way. I will introduce a catch phrase early on in the program, something like "we're all a bunch of insatiable assholes", and throughout the program, when I give the cue (something like, "but no one will ever be content with what I have accomplished. Why? Because..." and then I will open my arms and use them like a composer uses a baton or whatever it's called), they will repeat this catchphrase with great enthusiasm, sometimes laughing at the simplicity and logic of it all. I will never actually have a specific product for sale. Instead, I think I will just random use an amalgamation of products (AKA crap) from all different infomercials and spew useless facts about my life while using them. My idiot blond co-host will clarify everything, from the transition of product to product to making sense of the mentions of personal facts as metaphors for the products being used ("so what you're saying is, life is like a food dehydrater and, like memories in life, it is important to dry the food and store it for use later on, and by dehydrating it, you are preserving its freshness like you are preserving memories. And if you feel you have no hope, like when there's no fresh food in the fridge, you rely on the past, or the foods that have been stored! It's so simple!"). As I said, I will arbitrarily move from one product to the other as if it is no big deal. I will be cooking that rotisserie chicken while dumping various food articles on my carpet and vacuuming them up. And when dinner is done, I will buff my car and do some ab crunches with Chuck Norris. I will get people to send in money even though they're not sure if they're even getting a product or not. They will send in a cheque or money order for 3 easy payments of 29.95$ because I am either a master pursuader or because they feel sorry for me. Then I will serve pizza pockets and hamburger helper, everyone will laugh, eat and of course repeat my catchphrase. It would be the best informercial ever.

I'm a heterosexual man.

2006-06-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

I do'nt know what's happening to me. I swear the stress has gotten to me and I feel like i'm slipping further and further away from reality. My sanity is rapidly dwindling and because of it, I feel my manhood is tagging along. Yes, I, Raheem, came close to bawling during an episode of beverly hills 90210. I don't care who knows it and I don't care who rags on me because of this. Honestly, compared to some of the other shit i've written, this is no big deal. But this was a particularly emotional episode (not that that is much of an excuse). So before you rag on me, let me explain why it was so emotional. It had the drama and emotional energy of a movie like Rudy or Brian's Song. This particular episode was the graduation one where the flashbacks are in full effect. Hightened moments of family and friends first meeting each other while the david silver-esque keyboards accentuated the drama of the moment. The climax was when Kelly started crying becaue her father, someone who never showed up, came to her graduation. I was as shocked and choked up as she. Jenny Garth is a phenomenal actress. Other emotionally-charged moments include David remembering his friend Adam who shot himself and Andrea's very touching speech for the class. I'm not ashamed of my moment of weakness as I know very few people stoic enough to withstand such drama. Maybe I was just looking for a reason to let go and ust start crying like a baby, and this was an easy outlet. But alas, I couldn't bare to let go. Crying is like touching yourself, no one has a problem with it, yet no one will ever admit to doing it.

I think I am ill. Not just physically ill because of the lousy way I take care of myself. But I think there is something mentally wrong with me. I have turned into a typical bitter old Jew as I get closer to the magical 30. I'm depressed, afraid, a hypochondriac, neurotic, paranoid, lazy, unmotived and i'm sure sooner rather than later I will become agoraphobic. But it's not just that. I feel sick all of the time. Maybe it's the stress of life out here, but I really do think that I have something. Blech...I don't wanna really blog about this now do I?

Saw Superman...meh, 2 hours and 37 minutes long, could have cut it down into a really REALLY good 35 minute film. I started to realize that sidekicks are cool. There just hasn't been any real sidekicks introduced yet (at least none based on the very limited superhero knowledge that I have). The closest to a cool sidekick that I know of is Choder-boy from the movie Orgazmo. But I don't know if he really counts. How strict are we talking about here? Do satirical superheros like Orgazmo count? Why am I asking you since it was my question? Anyways a cool sidekick would be like B.A. Barracus who just has good one liners every now and then, drives me around and kicks some ass. Maybe i'd get a really racist sidekick. One who does't like any race or religion (cuz i'm into the whole equal opportunist thing). He just spews out really bad racial remarks like "ain't no spics gonna take over my city" or "it's bad enough we got chinks on the road, it's nice we gonna finally send them gooks to the slammer". I would let him do all the talking and the bad guy would look at me and be all like "is he for real?" and I would respond with a stone cold stare, "you better be a white guy under the mask because if not, may God have mercy on your soul".

Celebrity day, Mr. DON DOKKEN of (you guessed it) DOKKEN is 53 today. He'll alway be the original dream warrior. Mr. Unfunny ("I have a mole?") Richard Lewis is 59. Why can't he be dead already? Speaking of people I wish to be dead, one of the skanks from the pussycat dolls is 28. I bet it's the one that thinks she's all that but is really a 2 bit skank who will be going back to her regular routine at Hooters once the tour is over.

Only 16 more days until the birthday of Alex Karras. If you don't know who that is, I suggest you look it up.

Also, if i were all of you, I would look up the movie "farce of the penguins" written and directed by Bob Saget.

peace

Ghetto land

2006-06-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

Well after spending the day at Paramount, whatever-the-fuck-its-called amusement park with Sis and Nick, I have come to the conclusion that the States, maybe just California, I do'nt know, is completely ghetto. Every Black or Latino stereotype in movies, books, music, hell stand-up comedy, it was all legitamized in Santa Clara this afternoon. I felt embarrassed for them, and frankly a little saddened by the pathetic shape of this continent. Ghetto moms with gang tattoos and tacky roses scarred into their unflatteringly large chests. Young blacks and latino guys with their braids, bling bling, throw back jerseys and hell, even names ( I heard a Shaniqua today, I swear on it). It was a sight to see and to be honest, as much fun as I had today, it was something I never want to witness again. I knew I was in for something special based on the extensive security checks entering the place. Guaranteed that if there were no metal detectors or security, some one would have gotten shot. I mean they wasn't frontin', if tha mutha fuckers wanna step up and get all in my face, then they balls be bigger than they grills. Seriously, i've seen more R.I.P. tats than in every video i've ever seen on BET combined. Obnoxious, loud, just plain annoying, now that I think of it, if I would have known, I probably would have shot someone.

What I learned today

2006-06-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

If you start doing a goofy dance at prom, eventually everyone else will start doing it as well. It doesn't matter how stupid it looks.

King of the B list

2006-06-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

Why am I such a sucker for crappy movies? I only bring this up because it's 2 in the morning and i'm eagerly watching the end of Ski School even though i've seen it about a thousand times already and it doesn't get any better. Most of the time i am able to suspend from reality while watching such movies, but every now and then (like now for instance), I can't seem to be able to do that. How come the owner of the mountain can't kick a crew off of the mountain without risking something of their own in a dangerous race? Can't they just charge them with disordly conduct or something like that? And how come every race involves cheating on someone's part? Where the hell are the officials? I mean they have banners up and a huge audience, but no officials to make sure such immorality doesn't happen? And seriously, don't the rich, snooby jock types who challenge the slacker/drunk to a race to end all races for all the marbles, don't they realize that they can't win? I mean don't they watch all other 23 ski movies and realize they can't win? I just don't understand it. Gotta love the premise though. It's a metaphor for life. Get drunk and slack off and you can STILL whollop the seasoned pros. It speaks to me on so many levels. Don't judge a book by it's cover. Don't assume because it makes an ass out of you and me. Never underestimate the power of da shwartz. Wait i'm getting off topic. Spaceballs though....good movie. My point is that movies such as this send the wrong message to kids today. It shows that you don't have to work hard or play by the rules so long as you know that there's an opportunity to reclaim your faith with a race down a deadly mountain (which if you ask me didn't look THAT dangerous. I mean if it was such a big deal, they shoulda had like mines and trip wire and stuff, make it like vietnam- aspen style). That's why Animal House was so successful. They got expelled and there was no chance for reinstatement. They still got their revenge and while they all went on to successful careers, they never did graduate.

Anyways, my original point is that I love crappy movies. I don't mind a good mind-blower every now and then but really, give me a movie like Old School or Hot Dog over oscar winners like English Patient or Dances With Wolves any day.

Christian Slater, I don't know why but that man should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he's too good to be in the Film hall of fame (is there such a thing?). Very few have the resume he does in movies like The Wizard, Pump up the Volume, Heathers, and of course Gleaming the Cube. Sometimes I think he's a cooler Slater than A.C. and those who know me know how much respect that means I'm giving Christian.

South Park - Still makes me laugh

Howard Hessman - Cooler as Mr. Moore or Johnny Fever. Your call

I said it was a good day for birthdays and now you'll see why. First off, the Goonie queen (and she did some other stuff), Mrs. Cyndy Lauper is (gasp!) 53 today. Also, the greatest actor in the history of the WORLD, You know him as ASH, yes Bruce Campbell is 48. Give him some sugar baby! And the original Ryan Secreast, Mr Carson Daly is 33. Yeah, now that I look back, it wasn't THAT good a day for birthdays. No Corey Feldmans or Urkels. Sorry to get your hopes up. Now I feel bad.

That's all yo, nothing whiny today. I'll get back to that tomorrow.

Brain empty

2006-06-21T00:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah, no real update today because it's hard to have anything exciting to say without really leaving the house. I could have written another drama-blog about stupidity like the last zillion have been, but I would have been better off just cutting and pasting an old one saving time. So why didn't I leave the house? Well, i'm still trying to get over this cold but, as we all know by now, I seem to have temporarily given up on life in San Fran. I seem to be enjoying hiding behind the blinds in the friendly confines of home even though deep down (well maybe not that deep) I regret every passing minute that I spend home. I wish I could be more ignorant. I wish I wasn't such a thinker. Everything that I do always has consequences and potential drawbacks. That's one of my problems. Every action has a reaction and I always only consider the negative reactions. The cons in my mind outway the pros a zillion to one even though I know that it is the opposite that is the truth. Like I said, I wish I was more ignorant. I wish I didn't care about consequences. I wish I was completely non-chalant about everything. I'm like the dude from the movie "office space" who gets hypnotized and all of a sudden doesn't care about anything. Yeah, I wish I was that dude. Where was I going with this again? Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I may go do some shopping just to make me feel better. Sometimes I can be such a chick.

Wow, stanley cup and the NBA finals end on consecutive days. Now what?

I am seriously considering shaving my head despite everyone telling me not to do it. Just makes things easier since my hair gets completely out of control in the mornings.

Holy shit this blog is making me sound like such a woman. I talk about my dreams and my hair. What next, unicorns and who's hot?

Speaking of hot, man that sinbad is one sexy comedian

The dog still doesn't seem to be getting the concept of going outside to do her duty. I take her out for a walk, she comes in and pees right on the floor. Sometimes I wish I was a dog.

One more reason to regret not being in Montreal right now. My boy Baby Joe Mesi will be fighting on Friday Night Fights this upcoming Friday at Uniprix stadium. Hopefully this isn't his last appearance in the country.

Watching Boy Meets World made me realize that life was so less complicated back in the day. No, i'm not just basing that on the show (because who really has a Mr. Pheeny in their life?), i'm just reminded of expectations then as compared to now. For example, at my age, women look for things like stable financial well-being, a home, a job etc... along with the usual quirks. Back in the day, shit like that didn't matter. In fact, having no sense of direction and just being plain rebellious was the way to go to meet chicks. I guess it worked at 16, but at 30 it's kind of pathetic. There were no long term commitments or expectations and you took a day by day approach. You could act like an ass either in private or in front of friends, but as you get older, having a good social standing beats all. Oh well, no matter how broke I am, I bet I'm still richer than Ben Savage.

Speaking of flashbacks, one of my TV moms growing up, Mrs. Elysa Keaton, AKA Meredith Baxter from Family Ties is 59. Wow, for some reason I thought she was older. Also, one of the four dumbasses from HalfBaked and one of the most underrated stand ups of all time, Jim Breuer is 39. I hope I remember to write a blog tomorrow as there are some good birthdays. If you wanna know who, you gotta tune in.

Adios Muchacho

Good times...

2006-06-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

I figured you all should know that my nose finally stopped running. Time to get on with life.