Sadness Reincarnated

I lie here at 4 in the morning, eyes heavy and yawns forcing their way through more frequently than...well something that happens quite frequently.

So then why am I awake?

First off, know this. I try. I honestly do. I try to make the madness stop. And I thought I was moving in the right direction. I was concentrating on the things that were happening in my life in a more positive manner, I was establishing myself all across the town, I was recreating and living the life I should have lived upon first coming back to this fair city.

But still, I find myself recently brought back down to the depths I was at months ago...when I lost someone.

I'm sure you're sitting here thinking to yourself "Ah crap...here we go again..."

But the fact is i'm sad all over again and frankly it scares me. No not in that "I can't control it so i'm going to go do something drastic and stupid" scary. More of an "I don't know what else to do and i'm just so desperate to find some kind of consolation in the aftermath".

And I do partially understand why I'm feeling so low at this particular time of the year. You see, not that I was keeping track or anything but our one year anniversary would have happened a little less than a week ago. Now I know it sounds nutty that I still think about dates and stuff like that, but the only reason i know is because of how we met and the two people we....

Wait, I don't have to explain myself.

The fact is, everyday I find myself reminiscing about what I was doing this time last year; The cold walk through Nuit Blanche, taking care of her on Valentine's day (don't even get me started on how sad i'm gonna be on THAT day), hell even digging her car out of the snow, these are all memories that have really done a number on me (see: fucked me up badly).

And I don't know how to stop. And I don't know why I'm so sad now. Why the hell can't I move on? This is absurd. I still remain so strongly attached to her after so long. I heard news today that she's moved and is apparently happy in her life. How much of that is true, I don't know. Have a feeling she's moved in with that other guy. Poetic Justice just doesn't exist in this world. I'm angered at having so many of my general views on how the world is shattered by a mere 6 month relationship.

It's hurtful and it's frustrating.

I miss her.

And I don't know why because she treated me so badly.

I need to get away from here for a while. I'm tired of still holding onto this emotional burden.

I'm sick of always asking "Why me?"

I miss her.

Not doing the tagging thing this blog Tali, won't really fit in with the general mood of this update.

Anyone who says there's something beautiful in sadness has never had their heart broken.

Twas the night before Christmas...

And all I want is to not feel loss. I have so many good things going on right now, but I just can't appreciate them. And I think I know why.

All I want is love, a family, a feeling of desire, both being desired and also desiring that one. This is probably why I am still struggling with my loss despite all that has happened since. Because nothing, absolutely nothing can compensate for the emptiness of love...nothing.

Damn it.

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Aside from that, all is busy. Opportunities left and right however, opportunity has constantly arisen in my life and usually does not pan out. Potential is a nice way to remain somewhat optimistic in life, but when you're consistently unable to capitalize on that, it has an adverse affect - you can no longer feel the optimism that is vital in capitalizing. It's a catch-22, but I think i've gone through all that before....again.

I feel like a broken record. At least I'm consistent with my complaints.

Go See Across the Universe and I'm Not Here.

How I feel....

Bleh......

Things that make you wonder....

I was doing my usual reading of the English dictionary and I stumbled upon something that made me really question who runs shit in the English language.

pre·tense /prɪˈtɛns, ˈpritɛns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pri-tens, pree-tens] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun 1. pretending or feigning; make-believe: My sleepiness was all pretense.
2. a false show of something: a pretense of friendship.
3. a piece of make-believe.
4. the act of pretending or alleging falsely.
5. a false allegation or justification: He excused himself from the lunch on a pretense of urgent business.
6. insincere or false profession: His pious words were mere pretense.
7. the putting forth of an unwarranted claim.

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Now if the pretense means something false, why do use the term 'false pretense'? Would that not just be something true? All this time it's been ok to speak in double negatives? Or is this just a lawyer trick (because the phrase is fairly commong lawery-speak) so confuse matters.

So from now on, if someone uses the phrase, they better mean it the way it should be used. Kinda like people who use the word 'literally' in an un-literal way. But that's another story...

Bleh...

Just when you think you're moving forward, your mind refuses to let go of the things that are needed to be let go of. The moment I let myself believe I have made strides, something clicks in my mind that pulls me back underwater and I once again feel myself scratching and clawing my way to the surface of a new chapter in my life, struggling to breathe in new life. Much of it has to do with the weather as today was the first true winter's day, complete with heavy snow flurries and frigid temperatures. With that, my time in Montreal has come full circle. I came here in the middle of winter, and here we are again, thus signifying a completion of my time. My fondest memories of my job and especially my ex were in winter - a time when things were at their greatest and when I felt alive and renewed in spirit, especially after the fiasco of Edmonton. This time around, I feel...different. Again, I should be anxious about things, but.....this feels like a void that simply can't be filled. How do you replace something that is one of a kind? Sure, loves come and go, but each person is unique and special in their own way.

Anyways, it was just a downer, feel hopeless kind of day. They'll happen every now and then.

These lyrics really struck me. It's a song I heard once months ago, and it always stuck with me before during and also after the break-up.

National Product - Collision

Don't call me back, you said
I won't answer from that number anymore
Or at least until my will runs out
Then we're back in the same place
Racing down the same road once again
This wasn't supposed to happen

This curse is getting worse
You climb so high
It's such a long way to fall
Fine mess you can't assess
You just wanted for things to be simple that's all

I understand but I'm not fine
You've recruited the next in your line
But I leave the door wide open as you get inside

This road has caught fire
Miles of red pass under the tires
We paint the junked parts
Invisible blood stains from transparent hearts
Buckle your seat belt and shut those eyes
We race for collision blinded to bright yellow signs

Ask why we call it goodbye
It's a sick addiction to beating walls
Obsess, ignore the lesson
I wanted to cut all my losses that's all

We sing this lullaby
To sing with open lies
A tribute to mending once severed ties
The melody of years
Is music to my tears
Sweet dissonant harmony fills our ears
And we sing along to wasted songs

Lessons learned...

Why do I continue to drunkenly vomit in sinks as opposed to toilets?

I swear I won't do it again.

So I went to a...

So last night I go to check out DJ Vadim and Abstract Rude at this club and sure enough, true to any hip-hop show and the stupid stereotypes of unprovoked violence, a fight breaks out. Seeing as I was helping work the door, and seeing as there was the absolute minimum amount of security (read: none),I was left to break the thing up. Now let me tell you, this wasn't just a fight of two or three guys pushing or shoving, this was an all out, punches flailing, bloody, 'smash-through-the-doors' dance. It's unbelievable how strong a couple of guys could be when the adrenelin is surging through them in the heat of the moment. One guy was in a headlock and it took four of us to coerce the other guy to release him. Anyways, once the punks were all removed, the show went on without a hitch, but still the conversation didn't sway too far from the "opening act" if you will.

Sure enough, I get home around 3 and look down at my new jeans and see blood splattered all over them. My new jeans! Blood! It could have been beer or some other kind of beverage, but blood? Someone else's blood? Some random drunk douchebag's blood? Maybe the clashing of colors of the blue and the red will start a new fad? God I hope not. That'll mean I have to get involved in more fights.

I've been trying to make amends for my scarf faux-pas on Friday, but I still can't shake the image of that sad, lonely accessory lying there on the ground. I am still haunted in the wee hours of the evening of the visual of the scarf subtly falling from that guy's shoulders onto the ground nor can I block out the sounds of the scarf calling out to me, crying, in a child's voice, begging me to reunite it with its owner. And then I start to question how come I'm hearing this voice (oh yeah, i'm certifiably crazy). But I've been doing my best to be a good samartian because yes I do believe in Karma. I do believe everything evens out. My ex will get hers and I will get mine (only one will be a positive while the other....well good luck to her). Anyways, I hope the scarf forgives me and that all the people i've tried to help over the last 48 hours appreciate the help.

Does anyone else believe in Karma?